To find attachment parents pretty blooming judgemental and smug

(214 Posts)
rowtunda Thu 04-Jul-13 16:01:32

Or is it just me.

Raise your childhowever you want, different mums & different babies etc etc but at the moment I seem to be getting exponents of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, co sleeping, baby wearing ramming it all down my throat, sharing links on facebook to articles about how much they pity parents who use CC, etc etc

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding your
toddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Maybe its just all the mums I know who are doing this 'parenting style' are a teensy but self righteous. I think it really annoys me because of the insinuation that I have failed my child (not responding to their needs/breaking the maternal bond etc) by
doing it another way.

I am prepared to be flamed - but does anyone else out their feel the same.

Fine if you want to be an attachment parent but please stop preaching on about it like you have reinvented the wheel!

marfisa Sat 06-Jul-13 16:00:41

Oops, x-posted with k8middleton!

exoticfruits Sat 06-Jul-13 16:23:01

That is why you should take out of books the bits that suit you. If you find it harder then they obviously don't suit you, or come naturally.

tholeon Sat 06-Jul-13 18:30:51

Have I pad. Can mumsnet while holding toddler's hand as they fall asleep... Fab.

Haven't read whole thread, but generally against judgyness either way on this type of thing, reckon you need to come up with best approach to whole family.

Goldenbear Sat 06-Jul-13 21:57:58

I personally didn't subscribe to any particular style of 'parenting', especially prior to having my 1st child but once my DS arrived I knew that I didn't think it was right to do CC or CIO as to me it didn't seem to prioritise the baby's needs. My DS went to bed in his own bed but woke up in ours until he was about 4. My DD co slept as she would breast feed from 3 -7 in the morning until I stopped breast feeding at 22 months. I can't say that I did it to make my life easier as the co sleeping gets quite uncomfortable as they get bigger and the placating of a toddler with a breast doesn't give the effort enough credit. I know as DS stopped breast feeding at 4.5 months and in no way did it require as much energy to stick a bottle in the baby's mouth, for a start other people could do it!

IMO it is a lot harder carrying a baby around the house in a sling and doing chores than just having them contently watch you in a chair. I had a couple of slings but was always much keener for DD to be in the swinging chair as despite believing in the principles of the closeness of AP it was too much like hard work to actually do it all of the time. Plus, I found it draining in that DD just wanted to feed all of the time.

However, I was wrong in my last post to say it is ever right to be 'smug' as it is not. My point was just that I think a lot of it is harder to carry out than say doing textbook Supernanny methods.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 03-Oct-13 19:03:02

I know what you are saying OP.
When I had dc, I didn't even have tinternet, and I was a bit in denial so hadn't done much reading. I had no friends with kids yet, and so had to struggle with, on the one hand Mum and Aunts and their very 1950's ideas of the Right Way to Do Things,and on the other a non sleeping baby who would only sleep on me for the first couple of months.
(I kept the sleeping on me thing secret from the HV as I was failing to put him on his back!)
Anyway, muddled along (baby bjorn and outward facing pram, mix feeding, cot for half the night, my bed after the night feed because he wouldn't settle) until I started going to a toddler group, and met some women who astounded me with their martyrdom and smuggery, because I genuinely didn't know that "parenting" could be a verb..
Playpens were bad, buggies were bad, SPOONS were bad FGS!
One of them became a friend of mine, but God was she invested in the whole "family bed", BLW stuff. The problem was, she was sooo grumpy all the time, as she never got any sleep (or sex!) and actually never seemed to have much fun with her kids, probably as she was so exhausted.
I certainly would never claim to have all the answers, and would love to do it all again, now I know what I am doing (I was soo clueless) but there IS a certain breed of Attachment parent that makes me roll my eyes because trying to stick religiously to ONE style of doing things no matter what kind of is like saying that anything else is just wrong, and damaging to the child, which is bollocks.

marriedtoamoron Thu 03-Oct-13 19:36:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parkin2010 Thu 03-Oct-13 19:41:06

It's because they are sad & have little else going on in their life.

chocolatemartini Thu 03-Oct-13 19:42:31

Another one who does all the AP stuff because I'm a bit lazy and it's the path of least resistance. I have never once even sat up let alone got out of bed for a night feed, I went all over London with dc 1 in his sling, could go anywhere, up & down steps, on crowded buses... While my friends were batch cooking and puréeing I was just chucking bits of my own dinner at him. Extended bf= instant and reliable remedy for tantrums, pains, over stimulation... I'd have to develop a lot more parenting skills without this weapon. I am sometimes judgy about sleep training (although never about weaning styles or transport choices fgs) but more often astonished by the lengths other mums go to to get their dcs to do things at times and in the way that they think is right. Someone was telling me she'd returned her dd to bed over 100 times in one evening to teach him to stay there... Another friend developed an rsi from shh patting. Non AP mums work hard!! But tbh I think most AP types have had a fair amount of criticism aimed at them esp from older relatives and I'm not surprised if they sometimes let rip about how they are right pleased the AP approach works for them

Fakebook Thu 03-Oct-13 20:51:56

I like to mix it up a bit. Done combined feeding with both my babies. Done "baby led weaning" (hate that term) and spoon feeding with both. Co-slept with both and breastfed through the night because I'm lazy and didn't want my sleep disturbed. I used to breast feed whilst sleeping.

Tbh, I'd never heard this attachment parenting phrase until I joined MN.

IamSlave Thu 03-Oct-13 21:34:40

I have also mixed it up, I read Baby Whisperer with first but could never follow another doctrine to the letter, as others say take what works for you.

I too only heard this AP term on MN but I have definalty floated through ease, towards it this time round. I have found being the mother to a small child far easier too going with the flow more.

choclate your comment made me laugh about the 100 times.

BramshawHill Fri 04-Oct-13 07:33:46

I think smug, know-it-all, preachiness is a personality trait rather than a parenting style.

in the group of friends I've made from baby group, I'm the one who co-sleeps full time and has since the beginning. Another woman co-sleeps a couple times a week, a couple women have had their babies in cots in a separate room since birth. Same with breastfeeding, I'm still doing it, a couple women stopped a few weeks ago, another couple stopped nearly a year ago when the babies were weeks old. We all have different styles of 'parenting' but no-one, even for a second, has judged or preached or commented that their way is right.

Compare that to my baby's father's family - I'm not even sure what their parenting style was/is, I just know they like to tell me I'm doing it all wrong (with lots of 'making a rod for your own back!' thrown in). Its because they're douchenozzles, not because we parent differently.

VinegarDrinker Fri 04-Oct-13 07:44:46

Erm this is a thread from July

Nannyplumismymum Mon 03-Mar-14 17:41:45

On the contrary - my experience is that the " yes I put my baby in his own room at 2 weeks old.."are the most smug.

AP parents often find themselves in the minority and can be easily open to attack ... I find AP parents are generally a lot more private about their parenting style.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Mon 03-Mar-14 17:48:17

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding yourtoddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Bollox to both of these - sitting in a darkened room is sleep training and in a purist sense non AP - and AP is about forming secure bonds with your child and living a child centred life not about being glued to your child 24/7.

If you are going to attack a group of paremts then at least know what you are talking about.

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