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AIBU?

To have a nagging doubt that my MIL isn't being truthful

43 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 03/07/2013 15:23

My MIL is a very possessive, controlling type and we've had a lot of issues with her in the past. I won't go into all the details as there is far to much to say.
Recently my MIL has looked after my 3year old DS on three occasions on her own, but only for a few hours a time. All was going well (or so I thought).
My son isn't particularly keen to be left with her on his own as she can be a bit bossy with him and he tends to cry when I leave.
When I pick him up she makes a massive point that he kept asking for Daddy. Each time she made a big deal of this. When in the car on the way home my DS told me 'I wanted you Mummy, where did you go'. So, already I'm feeling like my Mil is playing games at my sons and my expense.
However, recently something more concerning has been said. Since she has started to have DS on her own he has been saying 'we love only one, we love daddy' whenever we say we love DS. I let it go for a while but then asked him 'why do you say that'? He straight away said 'Grandma told me off, we love only one, we love daddy'. He said this on two separate occasions, once to me and once to my DH. I was shocked, but didn't disbelieve it was possible (she has been shockingly malicious to me in the past).
I spoked with my DH about it who mulled it over and without me knowing asked her about it. She claims to only ever talk about Mummy and Daddy and denied she would have said what my DS suggested.
I asked my DS nursery leader what she thought. She said my DS says he loves MUmmy, Daddy and the dog etc as you would expect. She said that the disclosure from my son sounds like an adult has said it as its out of context.
I still have nagging doubts that my son is telling me the truth. He is so definate about it. Am I being reasonable to doubt her and does anyone have similar experience of this?

OP posts:

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WafflyVersatile · 03/07/2013 15:30

You already know from experience what she is like. I'd try to minimise contact.

thebody · 03/07/2013 15:33

I would go with your instincts and by all means visit but don't leave him.

On a general point I always wonder why people seem to need to leave their kids for hours or overnight with mil or own parents.

Why the need. He's 3 so stay with him.

Ticklemonster2 · 03/07/2013 15:37

I've had 3 hospital apps (ultra sound scans for new baby) so had to leave him, but never have before that. My own parents are dead so had little choice!

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 03/07/2013 15:38

thebody - sorry but what a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know what reasons the OP has for leaving her son. Parents do need a break from time to time

AgathaF · 03/07/2013 15:38

Small children don't tend to invent things like that, they repeat what they hear other people saying. I would think that his Grandma has said it to him. I think you need to reconsider leaving him with her, especially since it appears to upset him.

LemonBreeland · 03/07/2013 15:39

Are you leaving your DS with her because you need childcare? I personally would not be leaving him alone with her. He doesn't enjoy it and you know she is not kind to him.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 03/07/2013 15:39

Trust your instincts on this.

Don't leave her with him. She can see him by all means, but not unsupervised.

katiecubs · 03/07/2013 15:39

Sounds like she said something so I'd be wary.

thebody what do you mean? Isn't it nice for them to have a good relation with their grandparents? Also it's childcare if you are at work or time to go away for the night or do something as just a couple.

LemonBreeland · 03/07/2013 15:40

I would take my DS with me to hospital rather than have her look after him. You do have a choice, hospital would prefer you didn't take him but they can't stop you turning up with him.

Ticklemonster2 · 03/07/2013 15:45

Because of my pregnancy having complications the hospital advised he didn't attend the appointments. Otherwise, I would happily take him along.

OP posts:

thebody · 03/07/2013 15:49

Sorry didn't mean to offend this op.

Just commenting on the numerous posts re posters being unhappy leaving children with nasty/ drunk/ entitled grandparents. Who insist on having grandchildren overnight or for hours. That's not necessary.

Tickle, can't you take him to the scans? Any friends? Mil sounds not nice.

CaptainSweatPants · 03/07/2013 15:49

Op it's no good asking for advice & having an answer for everything!
Get Dh to take time off to look after him if you don't trust mil or put him in nursery on those days

Ticklemonster2 · 03/07/2013 15:52

Captain I can speak for myself you know. It doesn't preclude you asking for advice..or shouldn't anyway!

OP posts:

Tailtwister · 03/07/2013 15:53

It doesn't strike me as something a 3 yo would come up with by himself. I would be very wary of her and not leave him with her again.

In general it's lovely for DC to have a good relationship with their GP's and I don't see a problem with leaving them for the day or even overnight. My 2 have a great time at my PIL's, with the eldest (5) having spent the night on 2 occasions and the youngest a day once a week.

I think this is a different situation though OP and I would follow your instincts no matter what your MIL says.

NatashaBee · 03/07/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megsmouse · 03/07/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davsmum · 03/07/2013 16:01

I would have a word with her myself and tell her that I believed my child and I would ask her not to say such things again as you have placed a great trust in her by asking her to mind your son.
I would also ask her why she feels the need to do this.
I wouldn't care whether she was offended or not because I would rather not leave my child with someone so horrible.

GiveMumABreak · 03/07/2013 16:06

tickle I think you need to trust your instincts, she probably did say that to him. Try to limit the time he is alone with her, possibly find a childminder or babysitter you can rely on a bit. It will probably be hard to stop him staying with her at all (as this would probably cause all sorts of problems and she would probably cause a big scene) when your DC are a little older and less influenced I am sure she could spend more time with them. Good luck, it must be hard.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 03/07/2013 16:09

If the doctors have advised her not to bring her son along because she is experiencing pregnancy complications, then she can't flaming well take him!

OP, I would go with your instinct. It doesn't sound like normal childspeak, iykwim. Do you have a friend who could have your ds during your appointments?

wineandroses · 03/07/2013 16:23

There will be other times that you need someone to look after DS. I think you should start looking for a reliable babysitter/childminder/nursery who would be willing to do this on an ad hoc basis, if you don't have a friend that you can ask. From what you've posted, DS isn't happy staying with MIL and you aren't happy that she appears to be saying strange things to him. Then there's also clearly a back history of controlling behaviour and problems with her, so you need an alternative. Doesn't mean DS can't spend time with her, but I wouldn't leave him alone with her anymore.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 03/07/2013 16:28

I would stop your mil having him without one of you there

Childcare can be a nightmare I know but you shouldn't leave him with someone you can't trust. If your mil was unable to have him you would find another solution so maybe you need to find one now

thebody · 03/07/2013 16:43

If he's 3 is he in any kind of child care?

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formicadinosaur · 03/07/2013 17:27

Have a long break from babysitting with her then review the situation in 6 months

Thumbwitch · 03/07/2013 17:33

Definitely sounds like it came from an adult and MIL is the obvious choice here!

My DS1, when around 3, started telling me he "couldn't have beautiful eyes mummy, only girls have beautiful eyes" - what a load of shit. Must have come from MIL or one of her potty friends - certainly not from me or DH! I told DS1 that it was a silly thing to say and that ANYONE could have beautiful eyes.

However, what your DS has been told is far more potentially damaging and confusing and he shouldn't be exposed to that sort of influence more than is strictly necessary - so I'd be trying to limit it as much as you possibly can, given your situation. And just reassure DS over and over that it's ok to love you both, and you both love him. The poison trickle from granny won't be able to outweigh your own input.

LucilleBluth · 03/07/2013 17:34

I nearly always stick up for the MILs on here but this behaviour is seriously odd. What is the MIL gaining from this weird behaviour, doesn't she realise that he will grow up one day and ponder about the odd things grandma used to say to him.

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