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Raging with DP - am I allowed to be?

(74 Posts)
TheDudeAbides Tue 02-Jul-13 10:03:37

Have namechanged but am a regular. Need your consensus MN.

DP rang yesterday and asked if I would mind if he went for a few drinks after work with some mates who were then going on to the cinema so he'd be leaving at 7.30pm-ish and heading home (he works in a different city).

All fine with me. I told him to have fun.

By 10pm I was a bit confused so text him. No reply. Rang him. Phone was off.

I then saw that he'd been on FB and added 2 new friends (presumably from the group he'd been out with) so I sent him an arsey message telling him he was a thoughtless prick eejit sometimes.

He gets on the train at 11.30pm, utterly hammered, and falls asleep going past our city and onto another city 30 miles away hmm.

I ring him on the train back to our city (at 2am - he gets up for work at 5.30am) and admittedly I was angry. He curses at me, tells me I've overreacted and am far too inflexible and instead of coming home he stays on the train, goes back to his work city and kips on a mate's sofa.

AIBU to be annoyed at him? He's 30 fecking years old. It's a Monday night ffs.

reggiebean Tue 02-Jul-13 10:08:36

I love the name change grin.

Now to go read your post...

Bejeena Tue 02-Jul-13 10:10:12

Do you have children that he should have been seeing to and this is why you are annoyed or are you just mad because you spent the evening on your own when he seemingly had a good time?

I am not advocating his behaviour but I dunno pre pregnancy this could easily have been something I might have done myself, one out, socialised, had a nice time and just lost track of time smile

reggiebean Tue 02-Jul-13 10:11:03

Okay, I'm back.

Does it happen a lot? What was actually the reason you were so angry? Was it because you were worried about his safety, or was it because he was irresponsible?

chrome100 Tue 02-Jul-13 10:12:04

Errr? I don't get why you're annoyed unless you have kids and you felt he wasn't pulling his weight.

If he stays out late, he stays out late and is hungover. He's 30, as you say, and can make his own decisions.

Eyesunderarock Tue 02-Jul-13 10:13:28

He's being an immature prat, but think of how he's going to be feeling at work today and laugh.
However, I'd have gone to sleep and not been aware of 2am at all. He needs to work on understanding the difference between being a single and being in a relationship.

libertine73 Tue 02-Jul-13 10:13:34

If it was a one off I'd let it go personally, you've already told him he was a selfish prick, I'm sure he feels a bit of a dick today anyway.

Teeb Tue 02-Jul-13 10:14:12

He was probably annoyed with himself about missing the train. You are allowed to feel however you want to feel though, is this a regular occurence? I think I'd just let it go if it wasn't an every day thing, he knows you are annoyed but what is done is done, there's no use in dragging out an argument over it.

DarkWinter Tue 02-Jul-13 10:16:18

He's been a dick, no wonder you were annoyed! However, you're gonna have to let it go, if it's a one-off.

livinginwonderland Tue 02-Jul-13 10:16:32

I wouldn't wait up for him, honestly. I'd be annoyed he wasn't back when he said, and he should have text to say he'd be staying out later, but other than that he hasn't really done anything that bad. He'll suffer for it at work today and he'll probably come home tonight with his tail between his legs.

shushpenfold Tue 02-Jul-13 10:17:38

He's being a twonk but I think you're more annoyed because of the maturity level shown (i.e. you wouldn't dream of doing this) than the actual harm done.

My DH occasionally does this, but he works damn hard for the rest of the time and frankly, he's a bloke and he's not me.....each to their own.

reggiebean Tue 02-Jul-13 10:18:37

Agree with the others. When DP does go out and get smashed, and I can't get a hold of him, he knows j get angry only because I get worried about him. Yes, he's a grown man, but I still don't want anything to happen to him!

Sometimes, I get annoyed because I want a fun night out too.

If its not a regular occurrence, chalk it up to a drunken night/stinking hangover and be glad he's safe (and hurting a little bit!).

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Tue 02-Jul-13 10:18:43

That's pretty irresponsible of him considering he has work today. He must be feeling pretty shite and not being terribly productive. Beyond that, while I can see that it's frustrating for him to say x to you and actually do y, you can't reasonably stay angry at him. If it's a one-off, let it go. If this is a regular occurrence, he needs to grow the fuck up.

Eyesunderarock Tue 02-Jul-13 10:18:55

My dad did something early on in his marriage, because he hadn't sorted out what being in a relationship meant from a worried wife POV.
It was a lovely October evening and he decided to walk home from work, completely sober decision, without contacting mum. No phone in the house.
Except it was a beautiful night hike of around 30 miles and he got home at 4am. She lost the plot, he slept in the garden.
They talked the next day and although he has made many other mistakes during their 55 year marriage, he never made that particular one again.

TheDudeAbides Tue 02-Jul-13 10:19:52

Nope Bejeena - I had a lovely evening watching trashy telly and enjoying the peace smile

I have no issue with him having big nights. It's just they're usually at the weekend and very sporadic.

He does have history for doing stupid stuff like this. Maybe a few times a year. Last night he blamed the guys he was with for getting him drunk which annoyed me as I didn't realise he was incapable of independent thought and decision-making hmm.

He's great 99% of the time. I was cross because

1: he changed his plans and went off radar without having the courtesy to let me know he might be late.

2: he got horribly drunk on a work night. He's self-employed and has a very high pressure job.

3: he put himself in danger by titting about on trains and falling asleep.

3: Instead of being contrite he turned it on me. If he hadn't done that I'd have probably let it go without issue.

It's not what you do when you're a grown-up and a Dad, surely?

He's dying today which is giving me a sadistic giggle grin.

TheDudeAbides Tue 02-Jul-13 10:20:47

Oh and it's nothing to do with thinking he's still single.

We've been together 12 years and DD is almost 5.

reggiebean Tue 02-Jul-13 10:21:46

I think in regards to number 3, it was more down to the hangover and already feeling like a dick, than it was actual anger at you.

Mycatistoosexy Tue 02-Jul-13 10:22:06

You were right to be annoyed. He's 30 years old with responsibilities etc. you can't just go out, get pissed then turn your phone off and go AWOL for a bit before stripping and refusing to come home!

However in the grand scheme of thjngs, I it's just a one-off, call him a twat, ask that in future he lets you know if he is going to come back way after he said he would and move on.

Eyesunderarock Tue 02-Jul-13 10:22:08

'He's dying today which is giving me a sadistic giggle. grin'

Oh yes!

Mycatistoosexy Tue 02-Jul-13 10:22:42

Stripping? I meant stropping sorry

TheDudeAbides Tue 02-Jul-13 10:22:55

I think so reggie. He has form for lashing out at me when he's cocked up.

MsVestibule Tue 02-Jul-13 10:23:11

I'd have been annoyed that he hadn't told me his plans had changed, but apart from that, no, I don't think I'd have been that fussed.

<thinks back wistfully to when I was allowed to be irresponsible>

bleedingheart Tue 02-Jul-13 10:23:16

I would be pissed off because my night would be disturbed, worrying about him.
If you are in a relationship, living together and someone tells you they will be home by X o'clock, when they don't turn up you are allowed to be concerned. When they don't call or text to say why they are running late yet have the presence of mind to go on FaceBook, you are allowed to be pissed off.
It's just courtesy to let someone who loves you, know that you are safe.
Do what you've said you'll do or just say 'I don't know when I'll be back, don't wait up!'

bleedingheart Tue 02-Jul-13 10:23:56

Ah, I missed loads of posts while making a cup of tea and replying.

I think YANBU.

TheDudeAbides Tue 02-Jul-13 10:23:58

grin grin at stripping!

Are there strip clubs for plastered, beardy, IT workers?!

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