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SIL and holiday - aibu to be pissed off?

(73 Posts)
rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:12:38

It's my FIL's 60th birthday soon and he is going to Las Vegas with my MIL. We have all been to Vegas a few times, last time was with DH, PIL, SIL, her DH and their 2 kids. My DH and I have decided we will fly out to Vegas to surprise my FIL for his birthday. He really wants everyone to go, but DS was born 11 months ago so we have told FIL from the beginning there is no chance we will come as I don't want to take DS or leave him with anyone. So as far as he is aware, he is just going away with MIL. MIL knows what we have planned but is sworn to secrecy.

I am leaving DS with my mum as we are only going for 5 nights - they are going for 2 weeks. DH and I booked our tickets back in April and told SIL of our plans. We asked if she and her DH wanted to come too. We said we would be leaving DS as it would be adults only as it is only 5 days. She said she would think about it due to the financial cost but was very excited at the possibility of an adults only holiday.

She has now said she is coming, but doesn't want to leave the kids at home. They are 17 and 15 so not exactly tiny. Their other grandparents live 5 mins away and they were going to stay there, but SIL has now decided she can't possibly leave them (this would be their first holiday without the kids. Ever.) They will also be going out for a week, so will get there 2 days before me and DH.

AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL can't possibly leave 2 teenage kids with their grandparents for 5 days, and will be completely changing the tone of the holiday? The fact that they are getting there 2 days before us means that the surprise will be ruined when DH and I turn up as SIL will be there already. We have spent best part of 2k trying to organise a surprise that FIL will really appreciate and now it feels like we are going to have to spend the 5 days doing stuff the kids can do and helping with babysitting so my SIL and BIL can have a night out. I love my SIL and the kids to bits but this has really annoyed me. AIBU or should I just grit my teeth and bear it?

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:43

I suppose that all that matters really is whether FIL would rather have them there or not, even if it means altering their holiday behaviour slightly.

I would bet anything that SIL has discussed this with MIL and been told that FIL would love them to be there.

Just make it clear that you were looking forward to an adult holiday and won't be doing any babysitting this year (although they are a year older now & SIL might be happier about leaving them in the room occasionally).

Well don't babysit them this time then. If sil won't leave them on their own it's her problem isn't it? If she asks I'd be politely saying this is the only time you get without your child so you won't be looking after anyone elses.

I see why you're irritated. But there is nothing you can do about it. Just don't let it spoil your time out there and be clear to sil that she is not to spoil your surprise by telling fil you are coming too.

MaxPepsi Mon 01-Jul-13 12:33:39

oh sorry, x post. They are really strict.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:34:14

yes, this is about the FIL and his birthday. What will mean the most to him is having everyone there. Nothing like AIBU to give you a bit of perspective!

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 12:36:48

Wow I've heard of AIBUs where the OP admits that she's BU, but don't think I've ever actually seen one.

I think you'll have a fab time OP - as others have said, just make sure they know that if any babysitting is required, they will be doing it themselves!

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:25

Yanbu, if it was anywhere else I would probably feel differently, but as you were planning on enjoying the casinos and bars, it may be a bit restrictive. As you made it clear to sil it was supposed to be an adult holiday I think she is being a pain.

With regards to the surprise element, unfortunately flights etc may have meant they didn't have the option to go on the same day as you? I think unless you are willing to ask them to delay meeting up with fil until you get there, there isn't much you can do about that.

I feel yanbu though.

Pigsmummy Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:29

Just do what you were going to do anyway, have a fantasic time with your DH and in laws. Your SIL will soon realise that Vegas for under 21yo is dull, just let her get on with. She won't leave them at home now they know that they are going so just plaster a smile n your face and say "I told you so" a few times in your head (not out loud).

You will be able to have a few nice family meals (if you want to) with the teens but they won't be allowed anywhere gambling.

Cravey Mon 01-Jul-13 12:39:46

But it shouldn't matter to you. They are not your children so you can still do what you want. Yabu I'm afraid. Let her take her kids and leave them to it.

GiveMumABreak Mon 01-Jul-13 12:41:12

I would not have a problem leaving a 15 & 17 year old at home for 5 days.

But I would not leave an 11month old for 5 days either.

Everybody has different feelings and we all parent in different ways, we should all respect and not judge each other.

What I am saying is she is entitled to her style of parenting without judgement from you just as you are to yours without judgement from her.

Katnisscupcake Mon 01-Jul-13 12:48:18

rubbyducky24, I think you are just going to have to suck it up, but absolutely don't do any baby-sitting. Be there for your FIL, have a great (child-free - for you anyway wink) holiday and don't worry about them.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 12:50:52

just to address the flights question - they can get the same flights, they just don't want to go for 5 days as they (understandably) want to make the most of flying all that way. The cost is pretty much the same for 5 or 7 days. I think what upset me in relation to that is that it was my idea and they will be flying out before us so it kind of takes the shine off us going a little bit. FIL will still be surprised and touched when we turn up though so I just have to man up and accept it! We will have a great time anyway. I wouldn't ask them to delay their meeting up with the PILs as my SIL is very close to her parents and would want to be able to spend the full 7 days with them.

Bearbehind Mon 01-Jul-13 14:20:54

Why can't you go for 7 days? I did be pissed off at the surprise being ruined by SIL if they arrived before you but not too concerned about her children going- they are her problem.

Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 14:25:27

SIL is mental

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Jul-13 14:32:21

Yanbu at all.

2 teenagers will totally alter the dynamic of the holiday.

I would be very very pissed off.

And theres not a prayer id be 17yearoldsitting.

rubberducky24 Mon 01-Jul-13 14:32:45

hully grin

bearbehind we could have gone for 7 days but we booked 5 back in April and now my DH and mum don't have enough holiday left for us to book an additional 2 days away. Also this will be the first time I have left DS so 5 days was a compromise between me and DH as I don't want to leave him for too long.

everlong Mon 01-Jul-13 14:42:39

No no yanbu. Don't listen to those saying you are.

Your SIL is pathetic.

Jesus you wouldn't have to ask me twice. Kids would be off to granny's!

adeucalione Mon 01-Jul-13 14:50:54

I think I'm sympathetic to your SIL because I have three DC of a similar age. They're great company and I'd definitely prefer them to join us on holiday than stay at home - we have plenty of child free holidays looming in a couple of years when they head off to university. We have weekends away without them, but Vegas is a different matter. In your SIL's position I wouldn't really care whether you wanted them there or not, I would only be interested in whether my parents were happy for them to be there.

BegoniaBampot Mon 01-Jul-13 14:53:37

YABU and a bit controlling. Thought your FIl was the important one here - not you.

Hullygully Mon 01-Jul-13 15:03:57

I don't know why you care what your sil does tho

let her babysit her giant babies and you hang out in the bars.

ajandjjmum Mon 01-Jul-13 15:14:17

My DC are 20 and 21, and we've deliberately held off going to Vegas until they are both 21, and we can enjoy it together as adults (unless they get a better offer at the time!!) I agree that a 15 and 17 year old will change the dynamic of the holiday, and that's a real shame.

I would be disappointed/upset too, but I don't see that you can do much about it without making yourself look really mean.

Incidentally OP, we left our DC whilst we had some super holidays when they were very young, and it would have been unsuitable for them. It did them no harm, although now they're older and we enjoy similar things, we always want them to come with us - as do they!

melika Mon 01-Jul-13 15:22:49

We took our DSs when they were 15 and 11. There are lots of things you can do with them in tow, but go anywhere near a bar or a slot machine and you are moved on. Luckily the family we went with had a 3 yr old so it wasn't annoying for anyone, we were all in the same boat.

I would leave SIL and BIL to deal with it, cling on to you FIL and MIL, its's not your concern. It's still a fabulous holiday with or without kids.

Ashoething Mon 01-Jul-13 15:26:11

YABU-we cant even afford a holiday this year never mind 2 grand for 5 days in vegasshock Your sil is not spoiling anything-you are just being silly.

LIZS Mon 01-Jul-13 15:28:00

Can they not stay 7 days starting on same day as your 5 ? That way he gets a big surprise and you both get to stay as long as you wish. Whether they take dc along is up to them surely - who's paying ?

I think YABU my children are similar ages to your SIl if I could afford to take them I would, they would be gutted if I left them at home, as they have never been to America, it wont change the holiday they are old enough to stay up or hang out in the room for adult nights. As to the surprise she doesn't have to say you are coming you just turn up tow days later so two surprises.

why would a 15 and 17 year old need babysitting..?

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