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Am I unreasonable to be livid about this?

(149 Posts)
Eliza22 Sun 30-Jun-13 21:46:15

I'm divorced. Ds (ASD/OCD) goes to dad twice a month or, every other weekend. This weekend, he was allowed to sleep in a tent in the garden, by himself, whilst ex husband and partner slept in the house.

I'm so annoyed. Ds is high functioning, more Aspie but, with OCD, has massive anxiety issues. However, SD wanted to do it.

Was that a safe thing to do? He is described in his Statement as being " extremely vulnerable with very poor danger perception".

Serialdrinker Tue 02-Jul-13 22:34:48

*been

Serialdrinker Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:52

Shit! Yanbu! I don't by in to everyone's a pedo, I'd've more worried about him leaving the tent, getting into a road/ lost etc. not to mention the anxiety issues that could come after!

pigletmania Tue 02-Jul-13 22:13:41

My goidness your ex cannot e trusted to keep,your ds safe. He sounds very blase about everything

ANJALI777 Tue 02-Jul-13 21:54:33

Apologies for call calling EX-H your DH. That was insensitive of me, and unintentional xx

ANJALI777 Tue 02-Jul-13 21:53:10

I'd say it depends, but you are his mother and mums know their children best.

We all have our over protective moments, but I am sure a there is a compromise in there somewhere, otherwise you are going to the one that spoils a party.

My husband is far more adventurous with DS and sometimes I don't want to know what they have been up to.

Maybe insist that DH should sleep with him, they are supposed to spending quality time together. Or he can camp in the living room, or buy some walkie talkies???

Good luck, and stop questioning your judgement, that's when it all goes pear shaped methinks xx

Eliza22 Tue 02-Jul-13 21:42:58

Thank you Pixel. And although I don't reply specifically to wannabe, what actually happened was, that ex and his partner had put ds on a pullout bed in the lounge. It was the first night and disorientated, he'd left the couch, to use the toilet. The door slammed shut behind him. Ds (he told me this) was calling, then shouting, then crying and was found in the corridor, by the man. but, the man didnt speak English and took him back to his room and it was the man's girlfriend who took ds to Reception. ^the enormity of that sickened me. more so, because ex's viewpoint was "it could have happened to anyone and he was fine". [Shock] What happened that night caused me to (as I said in my last post) STOP overnighters. School got involved. Psychiatrist got involved. It was some time before we gradually returned to where we are now.

monicalewinski Tue 02-Jul-13 21:40:21

Really sad reading about your boy (trying to fit in etc); with regards to the camping YANBU, his dad should have bloody been camping in the garden with him - even if he was NT (not because of the stranger danger, but for the shared experience).

Have you camped out with him btw? Would maybe be a good way to diffuse the 'you being unreasonable about the camping' idea that was put in his head by his dad. You've already said you're proud of him, maybe he'd like to camp with his mum in the garden?

Hope things improve with his dad soon though.

Pixel Tue 02-Jul-13 21:35:12

I agreed with most of Wannabe's post except this bit
Now, I can see why the incident in Spain may have made you more anxious, however, if you look at it from a different angle, your ds locked himself out, he didn’t wander off, he didn’t go anywhere else, he merely knocked on the door to be let back in, and although he became anxious and had to be taken to calm down, the fact is he didn’t behave irresponsibly on that occasion either or put himself in danger.
You see I think the fact that he let himself be taken into a room by a complete stranger shows that he doesn't really understand 'stranger danger' and all that. Luckily that man was merely trying to help but what if he had had different motives? A more worldly wise 12 year old might have gone straight to reception and asked about a key.

Eliza22 Tue 02-Jul-13 21:22:34

They were stopped for a short period 18 months ago, after the events I've outlined. The psychiatrist spoke to ex as did the school SENCO because ds 's behaviours meant he was hardly in school and when he was, he was incapable of learning. Ds was unhappy. My DH was unhappy. My ex was furious. We then went to just one overnight twice a month. Things settled.... And we're going well so, we returned to two nights twice a month. Now this.

Sockreturningpixie, what haven't we tried "socially" over the years? Gymbabes/Gymkids. Gymnastics. Jujitsu. Football. Beavers. Bowling group for kids with asd. Swimming. Private one to one swimming with a lovely lady, when ds was particularly unwell. Table tennis (he will go occasionally), tennis (will play with me or DH but not with anyone else. A drama kids group which I loved and he hated. An Aspie social group. He went twice and then declared in a loud voice "the thing is, I'm just NOT a group person. Ordinarily, I prefer to just stay home. That's it, so far.

I don't give up easily but we have tried most things.

Emilythornesbff Tue 02-Jul-13 20:57:36

Not saying thatyou should stop overnights, but maybe give it another think.
It must be very hard. I do feel for you.

Emilythornesbff Tue 02-Jul-13 20:42:44

So i'veread more and I'm all upset now.
I think in your position I would consider stopping overnights with his father. Issues being safety and emotional well being.
Sorry.

Emilythornesbff Tue 02-Jul-13 20:37:56

Oh sorry. I haven't read the whole thread but I agree with mortifiedadams I wouldn't have wanted any 12 yo to camp alone in the garden.
So I guess YANBU

notanyanymore Tue 02-Jul-13 20:26:39

YANBU

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Jul-13 20:18:40

What do you do to attempt to help him socialise? Perhaps that's something worth expanding to increase his interactions with others.

Are all of dads worrying actions during the night time?

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Jul-13 19:44:20

It doesn't surprise me because I know that some people get respite.

But it isn't the 'for everyone' that you seem to think it is, nor is it simply a matter of 'shouting the loudest'...if only.

Eliza22 Tue 02-Jul-13 19:34:34

Sockreturningpixie ... Welcome to my world. Thing is, when ds is well and functioning reasonably, he loves spending time with dad. He's quite a lonely boy and doesn't have grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends he sees so, if I stop contact (and I'd have a fight on my hands) it'd be me.... And him. And DH when he's home (usually working away at least 3 nights a week). That would be tough for him. And me.

There have been massive cuts and they're not over yet.

Fairyegg Tue 02-Jul-13 19:24:52

It may surprise you but I can assure you its true, at least here is. Dh is currently out working with a 15 year old with asd. I'm no Expert but I woould guess higher end of asd, eg can talk fine, reads, writes but struggles in some social situations. My dh says The louder you shout the more you get in terms of hours though.

Ghanagirl Tue 02-Jul-13 19:24:04

OP YANBU, can't believe some of the silly and condescending posts on here, if you want you your kids to sleep in tents in the garden by all means let them but don't lecture others whose children have disabilities to do the same!

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Jul-13 19:07:05

Yes Fairyegg, I know it exists, but who can actually access it is another matter.

...and what Sockreturningpixie says.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Jul-13 19:00:42

Fairy that would surprise me as the reduction in respite funding is national as is the huge drop in providers and limited circumstances you can get it.

Its a well known fact that it is almost impossible to get with certain hidden disabilities where no other family issues occur.

Fairyegg Tue 02-Jul-13 18:47:27

In this area they do amber leaf. The more you push the more hours they get, normally it's at least 3 hours after school twice a week and 4 at a weekend.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Jul-13 18:46:30

Yanbu.

One of my dc's sounds quite similar to yours he's almost 14 and is unlikely to ever live inderpendantly we also tried a controlled walk to school but it ended up in a&e. and your right about getting a sitter the only ones who ever will agree to do so are paid professional carers,one would be forgiven for thinking he should be easier to cope with than the dc's with LF ASD as he's HF but nope he's harder.

No way would I allow him to camp in a garden without a responsible adult he is supervised when ever he is awake or likely to be.His dad used to let him in a tent in the living room whilst dad slept upstairs until dc burnt his house down sneaking about making toast.

We had a nightmare with his dad firstly refusing to believe anything was different about him even going as far as to write to the school and state he didnt give consent for dc to recive any of his prescribed medication unfortunatly the school have a if one parent refuses consent for something then we have to go with the refusal (apparently most LA's do this as well) unless the other parent produces a court order.

Dad was constantly putting him in situations where he was quite at risk where a child without his disability wouldn't have been it got to the point where court was the only way to resolve it after dc repeated his weekend activities to his school and the school made a referral to SS who spoke to me and after investigating basicly told me they would take further action if I was unable to either get dad on board with accommodating dc's disability or prevent dc going there.( that pissed me off as they were clear that there were no issues with my care but made dad my responsibility despite a contact order being in place they should have taken the matter up with him or the courts)

The solisiter was only interested in incidents of actual harm but when we got to court the judge was very interested in dads stupidity.

Several years down the line after trying contact but with many prohibited steps orders/ instruction/ support from qualified supervisiors in place dad was still unable to accommodate dcs disability or make any adaptations towards doing so and after one last try he assaulted dc so now not only does he have a no contact direct or indirect order he cannot even take me back to court without permission.

CalamityJ Tue 02-Jul-13 18:39:42

I'm surprised his dad didn't want to camp with him. Would have been a lovely bonding experience.

ukatlast Tue 02-Jul-13 17:10:56

YANBU It only takes one weirdo. Call me a cynic but I would wonder if his father is hinting that he doesn't want access so regularly at weekends by shunting him into the garden? Could also be the adults wanting house to themselves so they can carry on their sex lives etc without your son cramping their style.

AmberLeaf Tue 02-Jul-13 16:34:14

My son is very intelligent, but there is a big difference between intelligence and useful intelligence.

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