Not to put father's name on the birth certificate?

(78 Posts)
chesterberry Sun 30-Jun-13 20:18:18

Ex-partner and I had been together just over three years when I found out I was pregnant (32 weeks along now) and living together for 6 months. We definitely were not planning on having children yet and baby was not planned but I was excited when I found out.

Unfortunately ex did not share the excitement. Initially he insisted it couldn't be his as we were using contraception (condoms) and then when he finally came around to the idea that it was he started trying to persuade me to have an abortion. Things came to a head when he came home one night having had too many drinks and started threatening me, saying he's been hoping I'd miscarry and that if I didn't have an abortion he'd get rid of it himself. He didn't actually do anything to physically hurt me and that was very out of character for him (I realise finding out he was going to be a father was putting him under a huge amount of stress) but after that things ended quickly and he moved out. He has since gone back to his home town over 300 miles away (we met at uni and had stayed in our uni area after graduating, along with lots of our friends). He has been quite clear that he wants nothing to do with me or the baby and has gone back to saying it isn't his. He's 26 (as am I) so young but not young enough to excuse this behaviour IMO.

The baby is definitely his, but even so after he left I decided I won't be putting his name on the birth certificate (I will leave it blank) as he clearly wants nothing to do with the baby and I don't think I would trust him with the baby if he were to turn around in 6 months and say he wants access. Most of my friends and family agree that after the way he has acted it is reasonable not to put his name on the birth certificate as he has been very clear that he does not want to be a father to this baby, however I have one friend in particular who feels very strongly that it would be very unreasonable of me not to put his name on the certificate as it means if he realises in years to come he has made a mistake it will be more difficult for him to gain parental rights and see his child. My feeling is that this would be a good thing - I don't really want him to turn around and demand access to my baby in the future, disrupting our lives, because it suits him after he has so definitely decided he wants nothing to do with us now and am worried he could use those access rights to make things difficult, for example were I to find a new partner.

I will always be honest to my child about who his/her dad is regardless of whether his name is on the birth certificate, I would not deny my child that right, and if when s/he is older they want to meet him I would not be against that. I have stayed in touch with his mother also and she will come down to visit her new grandchild with his sister when the baby is born, so I am not denying the baby that side of his/her family either. Is my reasoning for not putting his name on the birth certificate, largely because I don't want him to be able to turn around in 3 years time and start demanding to see his child just because he's heard I'm with a new partner (for example), purely selfish? Am I being unreasonable? People's thoughts or own experiences would be very welcomed. Thanks.

ninani Wed 03-Jul-13 10:30:15

If OP claims CSA won't it make it easier for her ex to claim parental rights? Knowing what he is like is it worth it? <clueless>

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Jul-13 10:48:18

Do yourself a huge favour and don't tell him anything until your baby is born and registered. Definitely give the baby your own last name - don't hand away all your rights to someone who will use them to control you.

And be careful of his mum - she may well be lovely, but in the end, he is her son and when push comes to shove, she will put him above you. She is being supportive, not only because she is ashamed of his behaviour, but also because she knows you hold all the power here. The only person who doesn't seem to know that is you.

I honestly also think you should lose the 'friend' who seems overly preoccupied with your ex's 'rights.' Harsh as it is, sometimes people do have to pick sides - this person is not on yours.

Remember, your baby is relying on you 100% to do the right thing by them - that includes not saddling them with a loser of a father who can scupper your plans when you genuinely have the best interests of your child in mind. He doesn't and you need to protect your baby from him, to some extent.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 03-Jul-13 19:20:39

Ninani,

I'm pretty sure it makes no difference at all unless she's going to attempt to claim he's not the dad.

But it may be worth a quick call to somewhere like rights of women (free legal advice line) to double check but last time I checked it didn't make a jot of difference.

Also if he goes to court to do so he has to have the get up and go to be bothered firstly to get legal advice then to stress about it do the paperwork if he self represents or reconsult if he doesn't. Then theres costs as legal aid for family law no longer exists ( unless you are a victim of provable domestic abuse or SS are trying to remove children)

So your talking a few grand and a fair bit of time. Most blokes who do the whole walking away from pregnant gf saying they want nothing to do with the baby wouldn't bother beyond a half arsed call to cab (where they will be told legal aid no longer exists and that its not a slam dunk certainty) and it will even take them about 6 weeks just to get through to the cab as the lines are manic so they give up.

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