To want to reestablish this friendship sorry this is long

(88 Posts)
vacantStation Sun 30-Jun-13 19:50:54

DH had a horrible surgical procedure earlier this year. We didn't want to tell anyone about it as 'twas intimate surgery. We did tell a couple, close friends of ours who were quite supportive.

Above friends were having a party for birthday. (Meal and drinks/dancing) which we planned to possibly shuffle along to for a few hours. This was about 4 days after DH was discharged from 3rd hospital admission.

Due to this surgery we basically went into hiding for what ended up being a couple of months! To avoid questions.

Friends knew that this was really private and we were avoiding people.

There was only one mutual set of friends going but above friends were short of numbers so invited a couple, friends of OURS that they have only met socially a handful of times... with us.

I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this,. To add to this

above friend had told them he was 10 years younger than he actually is. When we became aware of this, it was really a bit embarrassing. We told them that he had been dating a 16 year old girl (quite a few years before) and that he had lied about his age for about 3 years while this was going on. We didn't know he had actually decided to contiue this!

The disturbing thing was he has also continued this lie into his marriage with his lovely wife who became a great friend.
He told lovely wife that he wanted to be 27 as he had 'lost years' of his life to being depressed. She accepted this though all her family now believe him to be 27.

DH and i used to worry about him visiting this 16 yo girl who lived with this huge (and somewhat hard) family in rural wales. i.e if they ever found out he would get a pasting at best, at worst chucked in a hole never to be seen again.

The most uncomfortable think about this scenario is that at their wedding, the father of the 16 year old girl he was dating (he remained in contact with the family for years) got up and gave a speech about what a lovely 'young' man he was. (Friend and the 16 year old (now 21) are no longer in contact. 16 year old didn't want anything more to do with him. This was before the expensive wedding.

So anyway, i absolutely lost my rag with this bloke .. so did dh and said that we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery, Then this whole barrage of 'what the fuck do you think your playing at' re the age thing and lying and stuff came out....(which I know was a bit nasty and perhaps none of my business) I just feel that we were being brought into this rabbit hole of lies..(there were quite a few more too)

I am really glad to be away from it all. The guy was really controlling and hard work at times. Would walk around our houe like he owned the place and would be really aggrieved when we socialised with other people. He also turned up when we were on a date and would expect to be invited to family occasions.

It's our own bloody fault really . I think over years that the friendship needed to change as our lives were changing.

Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away.

For all his flaws. (were all flawed right?) They were still people we cared about.

I regret not setting boundaries better and losing my temper. WIBU ? Shall i try and patch it up?

I have been in contact via text with wife and saw her briefly, it was lovely to see her and we rammed alot of talking into about 5 minutes but her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever. ~She says she needs to respect his feelings. She looked upset. I fee really sad. I don't want to harrass them but at the same time years of friendship are hard to erase. What would you do?

GiveMumABreak Sun 30-Jun-13 21:05:57

Huh?

Tbh you sound like the controlling one dictating who can and cannot socialise with each other while you hide for months but still go to parties

PolkaDottery Sun 30-Jun-13 21:09:02

Okay so have I got this right?

You are good friends with Mrs A. She is married to Mr A who you are less keen on and feel uncomfortable around as he lies about his age.

Mr and Mrs A invite you to a party. You are trying to avoid people you know due to DH's surgery but agree to go for a bit as none of your normal friends are going. You then find out that Mr and Mrs A have invited several of your other friends who they don't know that well.

This causes an argument, where the age thing is raised, this causes bad feeling for everyone.

You bump into Mrs A sometime later and want to resume friendship but she says Mr A won't want this.

It all sounds a but odd. Can't you just see Mrs A as you were good friends but not do couple things anymore?

fuckwittery Sun 30-Jun-13 21:13:27

I can't get past the
you're going to a party
but you don't want the party host friends to invite mutual friends.

So, your DH is well enough to shuffle along to a party, but you don't want the mutual friends to know about the surgery and this is something to be furious about? This is fucking fruit loop, let alone the rest of it
You are hiding for a couple of months, but can go to a party? Come off it.

DoJo Sun 30-Jun-13 21:18:47

I'm not sure how the relationship with this couple is related to the whole operation and party situation and even less sure about why you were furious that friends that you had introduced had struck up a friendship independently of you.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you can be friends with the wife without being involved with the husband, and as long as he influences her and doesn't want her to be friends with you there's not much you can do about it except let her know that you still consider her a friend and let her do with that what she will.

sweetsoulsister Sun 30-Jun-13 21:23:02

I was worried I had had too much to drink!
Whew!
Off for another glass of wine!

Thank you polka dottery for the summation!

Yeah, just be friends with the wife, if pos.

Husband sounds like a twat.

You and your DH sound like you have an odd approach to surgery etc but hey.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 30-Jun-13 21:25:08

What was the surgery?

Xiaoxiong Sun 30-Jun-13 21:25:49

You lost me at

"I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this"

They're not mind readers. How were they supposed to know you were avoiding seeing the other friends? And yet you went to a party? Did you not think that maybe there would be other guests at the party besides the hosts?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 30-Jun-13 21:26:28

Wow. Ummmmm - summary anyone? Please?

MalcolmTuckersMum Sun 30-Jun-13 21:28:36

Ok - I read your summary Polka and a sterling effort it was too but I'm still kind of lost. grin - where does the 16 year old girl fit in?

DoctorAnge Sun 30-Jun-13 21:31:09

Wonder what the blazes the surgery was grin

She was the husbands ex. He lied to date her - but the carried on lying to nice wife.

I used to love comprehension at school - this brings it back.

I can't answer the surgery question I'm afraid.

Viviennemary Sun 30-Jun-13 21:38:44

I found this really hard to follow. I don't think you had the right to be annoyed at someone inviting people they had met through you to their party. It sounds way too complicated. I think I'd just find some new friends who are more straightforward and don't lie about their age. It would be easier for everyone.

BerylStreep Sun 30-Jun-13 21:40:24

Long and confusing. I really don't know why you want to be friends with them at all.

As an aside, my Granny knocked 10 years off her age when she met my Grandpa, and she managed to keep up the lie for the rest of her life - no-one had a clue. I think she was actually 33 when she got married, but said she was 23. It only came to light because they weren't able to marry up the death certificate to her birth certificate.

We're all quite fresh faced as a family, so I think it's down to good genes grin.

Going into hiding for two months to avoid answering questions is very strange though. Not on a par with knocking ten years off your age, but maybe like three or four?..

Hydrocele?
Willy rot repair?
Penis extension?

hmm Three ops you say...

I've got it!

Twenty stone testicles.

Xiaoxiong Mon 01-Jul-13 10:00:07

Beryl my grandfather knocked 20(!!!) years off his age when he married again at the age of 75. He managed to get a real passport from another country with the fake birth date. My cousin managed to catch a glimpse of this passport once and apparently according to that birth date he is a year younger than my mother, his eldest daughter confused

When his 3rd wife found out she divorced him. Needless to say he was cut off from the rest of the family at the time - I don't think he even mentioned his kids (let alone grandchildren and great-grandchildren...) How she could ever have believed it though...I don't think "fresh faced" could stretch to cover a 20 year age difference!

What?? So you are annoyed your friends invited another couple of their own party??

How old are you?? 15?

You and DH ABU and ridiculous.

TalkativeJim Mon 01-Jul-13 10:09:40

I've thought really hard about it all and no, it makes no sense.

However I am impressed by the guy (whichever one he was) who simply decided to be 27 again... and lo, it was so grin

And I've never heard of 'the rabbit hole of lies' but again, sounds impressive.

Good luck with sorting it out. I think you're right. Make up. Life's too short. You had a long friendship, you want it back. Nothing to lose. She's sad too (disclaimer: not sure who she is in the story) - so go for it.

Branleuse Mon 01-Jul-13 10:46:26

gerbil removal surgery?

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 01-Jul-13 10:50:48

No idea what you're saying but what was your DH's surgery?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 01-Jul-13 10:52:08

OP I'd like you to come back and explain. Plus, what surgery was it that meant you had to hide away for months?

EarlyInTheMorning Mon 01-Jul-13 10:53:03

Castration. It's castration isn't it? You DH is now your DW. No shame in that.

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