baby name wars

(37 Posts)
EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 22:41:23

DS1 (DC3) will be here in 8 short weeks. DH and I have not agreed on a name. In fact we have been actively avoiding the topic and when it has been brought up it has resulted in a rather sharp rise in bad feeling on both sides.

Before i had DD1 we had 3 sequential miscarriages which really shook me up. Then when my pregnancy got past the 12 week "safe zone" they picked up some anatomical issues on the scan and i got sent for a CVS which was quite horrific. Apparently DH felt sorry for me and so when i told him my name choices he just grinned and bared it and agreed. I now know that he apparently hates DD1's name and cringes every time he hears it.

With DD2 he felt he should have free reign to name her whatever he wanted as "compensation" for DD1. I objected as i never even knew i had this apparent license with DD1's name and also, the name he wanted to give her was just bloody awful (i am synesthesic and am very sensitive to names). In the end we "negotiated" and found a name be both agreed on but it was grudging agreement and i think neither of us are particularly happy with it. He has told me he feels cheated out of naming DD2. The process was excruciating and very nearly marriage ending.

So now we come to DS1. In the discussions we have had i have told him names that i quite liked and he has attempted to veto every single one immediately. No thought or discussion, just a sharp No and then a refusal to talk about it any further. In a contemplative moment after a few ales he complained that he has not ever been able to name any of his children and feels that this time (the last time!) he should have his way.

He has a 11yo DD (my DSD) who he had no input in naming as the pregnancy was the result of an affair shortly before we were married (whole other story!) and unsurprisingly the mother wasn't really interested in his opinion when it became clear he wasn't going to jump ship.

I had no idea he didn't like DD1's name and would have offered other suggestions ( though i do LOVE her name and think it was the perfect name for her) and listened to his ideas if he had ever offered any. He never did.

would i be completely unreasonable to tell him to just suck it up and deal with the fact that he made a mistake (sweet though it was) in agreeing to DD1's name and that DSD's name is his cross to bear.
To in fact, grow the fuck up and start participating rather than sulking and just generally adding to my stress levels.

I am tempted to go as hardline as he is and just tell him what the baby will be called but i probably would be being unreasonable though it is my fucking fanjo on the line.

Apologies for the length of this post. It is epic.

Emilythornesbff Sat 29-Jun-13 10:30:42

Poor you.
My tuppence worth:
Your daughter's name is lovely. I think your DH is being manipulative.

When I run my dictatorship all women whose children have their DP's surname will get their choice of first name wink grin

Seriously, your son needs a name and it probably shouldn't be just about a battle between his parents. I agree with others who have suggested each of you writing a list and looking for common ground.

We had a struggle naming our dd (ds was easy) and there were times I felt my dh was being difficult (because he was, although he may have thought the same about me. But I'm right grin).

We didn't know the sex so started choosing after she was born. It took a month of making and re writing many lists.
I often worked what ppl were on about when they said that a marriage requires compromise (just sounded like I wouldn't get my own way). But exercises like that we're an interesting illustration for me.
Good luck. Get making your list. Don't go over old ground.

thebody Sat 29-Jun-13 10:11:07

It really doesn't matter because by the time your kids are teens they will have either shortened versions or nick names, especially boys. My dss are 23 and 21, I know all their friends since early school days and not one of them is called by their proper name.

Think wolves( big fan) Brownie, Santa and rice cake.

All named at school.

Have to say your dh sounds a right knob though and to see naming a child as marriage ending is just wierd.

PrincessScrumpy Sat 29-Jun-13 09:59:10

After dd1s rather horrific birth dh (despite having a name he loved in mind) turned to me and said he didn't feel he had any right in naming her after what I went through (although I did choose as name I knew he didn't mind). Dtds he chose both of dtd1s names but I do love them (and guided a bit) he also thinks he chose dtd2s middle name hee hee
I think you need to be clever and make him think it us his name.

Finola1step Sat 29-Jun-13 09:55:22

Agree with Witt and other posters who have suggested that this is not just about baby names. I hope your daughter never finds out that her father cringes every time he hears her name. How awful. Both of you need a bloody good shake.

Witt Sat 29-Jun-13 09:50:00

I now know that he apparently hates DD1's name and cringes every time he hears it. Both sad and childish to bring it up now. He should have said something at the time if he didn't like it, not use that now as a bargaining tool to have his way. He can't just apply retrospecive rules to suit himself.

God that makes it sound so awful. Honestly we do have a good relationship normally (we have our issues but who doesn't) Sorry but comments like these always make me cringe. It depends what your issues are but (cynic that I am) I expect by saying this you are trying to justify issues that actually aren't part of a functional relationship.

TimeofChange Sat 29-Jun-13 09:42:07

I now know that he apparently hates DD1's name and cringes every time he hears it.

That's quite sad.

StuntNun Sat 29-Jun-13 09:33:17

We had a similar battle of wills over DS2 when DH and I were adamant about the names we each picked and refused to even consider the other's choice. In the end we got his birth certificate on the last day possible using a different name from either of our first choices. So our baby had no name for the first few weeks of his life! Please don't get yourself into such a ridiculous situation. I chose DS1's name - a first name we both liked and middle name after DH's dad. I chose DS2's name after a long battle of wills - random first name and middle name after my gran. So it was really only reasonable for me to let DH pick DS3's name and I suggested a middle name that meant something to both of us. I don't like DS3's first name, I think it's boring an it's not one I would ever pick. But in the grand scheme of things it's not an awful name, just not one I would have chosen. I think when he's older I will choose a special nickname for him that only I use. Ultimately if you can't agree on a name one of you is going to have to compromise. Could he choose the first name and you choose the middle name?

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sat 29-Jun-13 09:18:38

What are his suggestions? Do you like any of them?

loopyluna we tried that, my 11yo DS wanted to name our newborn DD "Jimbob"!! grin

loopyluna Sat 29-Jun-13 09:11:42

So DSD is about 12 and DD1 about 4? Why don't you ask them to find 10 names for baby brother and see if you and DH could agree on one of them. That way it won't be a contest between the two of you and it would be a nice way to involve them...
Or you and DH make your own lists and agree to let the girls choose?

We never named a baby until they were nearly 6 weeks old. When they were a couple of weeks old, we felt that we "knew" them a bit. Then we both wrote a list of names that we felt would suit them and found that there was nearly always one name that came up on both lists! (apart from the one DS who ended up being named after a goal keeper in a football match blush! Don't talk about it for a while, if you think about it, you've got 8 weeks before your due date, and then you have another 6 weeks to choose. That's 3 months away. Let emotions cool down for a few weeks, there's hopefully plenty of time to worry about details like names.

OhMerGerd Sat 29-Jun-13 08:50:57

Why not agree to not to decide until after the baby is born? Each have a few names you like and just share them...put them on the table so to speak ...but agree not to agree to anything yet and that this baby is just going to be called ... Baby, or darling or sweetie or whatever until at least a week after he arrives.

By then a little entente cordial will have developed and you may find your Wesley looks like a Brian or his Ronaldo looks like a Dylan or the squishy faced little cutie looks like none of the above and you both go ahhhhhh Tarquinius!

Our DD1 was named before birth, in full her name does not really suit her and never did... We liked the name and just went with it regardless...but the short version she uses is cute and very much does suit her diwn to a tee( she and her friends coined this short version in year 2 primary and that is who she now is apart from formal documents).

We couldn't decide for DD2 she was just 'baby' for a few weeks nearly the legal limit.. But with no pressure she has a name that is just right.

Hope that helps.

megsmouse Sat 29-Jun-13 08:37:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snog Sat 29-Jun-13 08:33:06

What name dies he want for his son OP?

Flobbadobs Sat 29-Jun-13 08:29:06

Get the DC's to make a list of names.
We got our older 2 to make a list of names they liked. DC3 has a first name chosen by DS and her middle name was chosen by DD1. It really worked for us, they had a knack of coming up with names we didn't think of.

BoundandRebound Sat 29-Jun-13 08:23:46

He writes list

You veto

Simple

EntWife Sat 29-Jun-13 08:20:16

dd1 is called Eden. winkgrin

WafflyVersatile Sat 29-Jun-13 00:20:06

Let him build a list of suitable names but you get veto.

I'm massively curious about what your oldest DC is called now.

Before he compiles the list go around putting up signs with your chosen name on them in conjunction with things he likes then tour round so he subconsciously clocks them.

''Biscuits
Nom
Graham''

''Arsenal
winners
Graham''

etc.

WorraLiberty Sat 29-Jun-13 00:04:21

Exactly what Pattie said

Unless you're both particularly prone to drama?

He has told me he feels cheated out of naming DD2. The process was excruciating and very nearly marriage ending.

If naming a child is causing this much hassle, I think there's more to worry about in your marriage than your unborn child's name

EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 23:39:39

whatacrappyweekendthatwas yes, he had an affair just before we were married. It was obviously a catastrophic mistake and one that happened nearly 12 years ago now. We went through hell putting our relationship back together over a number of years and i am happy to say we have both grown enormously since then. There is an 8 year age gap between DSD and DD1 for that reason.

I will happily agree that he was a prize dick back then but he is a prize dick for different reasons now.

whatacrappyweekendthatwas Fri 28-Jun-13 23:29:39

Can I clarify...he had an affair with another woman shortly before he married you, got her pregnant then went on to marry you. Sorry Op but your husband sounds like a prize dick based on all the information you have given here.

EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 23:13:22

Thanks for the replies. i would really like us to both come up with lists and try to find a middle ground. That is what we tried to do with DD2 and it was just excruciating. I felt at the time (and still do) that he was vetoing names i liked not because he didn't like them but to punish me for not agreeing to him having carte blanch. I just dont want that to happen again. This is my last baby and i dont want that kind of bad feeling.

God that makes it sound so awful. Honestly we do have a good relationship normally (we have our issues but who doesn't).

The argument about DSD's name and his lack of participation has never really washed for me. I did feel bad after he told me about DD1's name but increasingly i am coming to the conclusion that it was his choice and he can ram his entitled attitude where the sun doesn't shine.

honeytea Fri 28-Jun-13 23:08:16

Could you ask him for a list of 10 names he likes and you pick 1?

I suggested ds's name when I was about 20 week's pregnant and dp just outright said no, we then spent the next 18 weeks talking about names and writing lists ans eventually dp suggested ds's name ( he had forgotten I had already suggested it) so dp believes he named ds we both like the name and we are both happy.

Ds's name had to work in Swedish and English, there are not that many names that work in both so I spent lots of time suggesting ridiculous ideas like Elf, Torquil, Volvo, Jesus, Merry or pippin I think dp was afraid I might insist on one of my daft suggestions that he suggested any name he could think of the worked in Swedish and English and ds's name was found smile

sweetestcup Fri 28-Jun-13 23:01:56

I would be seriously worried about my relationship if my marriage nearly broke up over naming our children.

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