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baby name wars

(37 Posts)
EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 22:41:23

DS1 (DC3) will be here in 8 short weeks. DH and I have not agreed on a name. In fact we have been actively avoiding the topic and when it has been brought up it has resulted in a rather sharp rise in bad feeling on both sides.

Before i had DD1 we had 3 sequential miscarriages which really shook me up. Then when my pregnancy got past the 12 week "safe zone" they picked up some anatomical issues on the scan and i got sent for a CVS which was quite horrific. Apparently DH felt sorry for me and so when i told him my name choices he just grinned and bared it and agreed. I now know that he apparently hates DD1's name and cringes every time he hears it.

With DD2 he felt he should have free reign to name her whatever he wanted as "compensation" for DD1. I objected as i never even knew i had this apparent license with DD1's name and also, the name he wanted to give her was just bloody awful (i am synesthesic and am very sensitive to names). In the end we "negotiated" and found a name be both agreed on but it was grudging agreement and i think neither of us are particularly happy with it. He has told me he feels cheated out of naming DD2. The process was excruciating and very nearly marriage ending.

So now we come to DS1. In the discussions we have had i have told him names that i quite liked and he has attempted to veto every single one immediately. No thought or discussion, just a sharp No and then a refusal to talk about it any further. In a contemplative moment after a few ales he complained that he has not ever been able to name any of his children and feels that this time (the last time!) he should have his way.

He has a 11yo DD (my DSD) who he had no input in naming as the pregnancy was the result of an affair shortly before we were married (whole other story!) and unsurprisingly the mother wasn't really interested in his opinion when it became clear he wasn't going to jump ship.

I had no idea he didn't like DD1's name and would have offered other suggestions ( though i do LOVE her name and think it was the perfect name for her) and listened to his ideas if he had ever offered any. He never did.

would i be completely unreasonable to tell him to just suck it up and deal with the fact that he made a mistake (sweet though it was) in agreeing to DD1's name and that DSD's name is his cross to bear.
To in fact, grow the fuck up and start participating rather than sulking and just generally adding to my stress levels.

I am tempted to go as hardline as he is and just tell him what the baby will be called but i probably would be being unreasonable though it is my fucking fanjo on the line.

Apologies for the length of this post. It is epic.

Chottie Fri 28-Jun-13 22:44:25

Can you both sit down and compile a list of names together, there must be some names you both like? Or compromise and agree one will chose the first name and the other the middle name?

SodaStreamy Fri 28-Jun-13 22:49:00

Are you totally sure it's simply about babies names?

thegreylady Fri 28-Jun-13 22:50:17

Let him choose this one as you chose the others.

He's being petty and immature. He should have said at the time he didn't like dd1's name instead of dumping it on you then demanding to name dd2 ' bringing it up again and trying to guilt trip you whilst mentioning how 'hard' he has it not naming his love child is revolting to me. Sorry to be harsh but I'm furious on your behalf here angry not helped by being 33 weeks pg myself and really really hormonal and angry Anyway

cees Fri 28-Jun-13 22:51:18

Oh tell him to grow up and then put your heads together and BOTH of you agree on a name you both like.

I am due my third in 3 weeks, we have 2 names sorted, if I hated a name then dh would back off and we would get on with picking one we both liked and I would do likewise.

Your dh is behaving like a child, this is not his decision alone and as you said it's your foof about to be savaged by this unnamed little angel so in my eyes he can start getting it together and stop acting like a brat.

reelingintheyears Fri 28-Jun-13 22:55:00

I chose DC1 and 2 and let DP chose DC3.

I don't mind it but it wouldn't have been my first choice as there are loads of them about and it's boring.

I wanted to call him Sebastien which would have suited him much better but DP hated it.

LynetteScavo England Fri 28-Jun-13 22:55:49

Sit down with a baby name dictionary, go through it systematically, and circle any name you both like. If you get to Zorro without agreeing on even one name, you are in trouble.

cees Fri 28-Jun-13 22:56:15

He sounds so immature ''well you got dd1 so I want this one'' and SupermansBigRedPants is right, how dare he moan about his oldest child and her mum not consulting him on her name, he was a bollox to her and you at the time.

MsHighwater Fri 28-Jun-13 22:57:08

Regardless of what went before, you have a child to name now and it would be ridiculous to fall out over it.

Your DH chose to defer to you first time without telling you he was doing so. His choice. You are not responsible for that.

When I was pregnant with dd, DH and I agreed that we would each come up with suggestions. DH could veto any of my suggestions without restriction and vice versa. It's a strategy I can recommend.

SavoyCabbage Fri 28-Jun-13 22:58:12

So the last time, when you negotiated a name between you it nearly ended your marriage? And you have a name neither of you wanted.

He clearly feels very strongly on this issue. And so do you. You can only control what you do.

holidaysarenice Fri 28-Jun-13 23:00:31

Both put down your top 10, choose the one that matches.

Any pissing around eg 1 liked name and 9 he knows u will think are horrendous in order to get the one he wants and its GAME OVER.

sweetestcup Fri 28-Jun-13 23:01:56

I would be seriously worried about my relationship if my marriage nearly broke up over naming our children.

honeytea Fri 28-Jun-13 23:08:16

Could you ask him for a list of 10 names he likes and you pick 1?

I suggested ds's name when I was about 20 week's pregnant and dp just outright said no, we then spent the next 18 weeks talking about names and writing lists ans eventually dp suggested ds's name ( he had forgotten I had already suggested it) so dp believes he named ds we both like the name and we are both happy.

Ds's name had to work in Swedish and English, there are not that many names that work in both so I spent lots of time suggesting ridiculous ideas like Elf, Torquil, Volvo, Jesus, Merry or pippin I think dp was afraid I might insist on one of my daft suggestions that he suggested any name he could think of the worked in Swedish and English and ds's name was found smile

EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 23:13:22

Thanks for the replies. i would really like us to both come up with lists and try to find a middle ground. That is what we tried to do with DD2 and it was just excruciating. I felt at the time (and still do) that he was vetoing names i liked not because he didn't like them but to punish me for not agreeing to him having carte blanch. I just dont want that to happen again. This is my last baby and i dont want that kind of bad feeling.

God that makes it sound so awful. Honestly we do have a good relationship normally (we have our issues but who doesn't).

The argument about DSD's name and his lack of participation has never really washed for me. I did feel bad after he told me about DD1's name but increasingly i am coming to the conclusion that it was his choice and he can ram his entitled attitude where the sun doesn't shine.

whatacrappyweekendthatwas Fri 28-Jun-13 23:29:39

Can I clarify...he had an affair with another woman shortly before he married you, got her pregnant then went on to marry you. Sorry Op but your husband sounds like a prize dick based on all the information you have given here.

EntWife Fri 28-Jun-13 23:39:39

whatacrappyweekendthatwas yes, he had an affair just before we were married. It was obviously a catastrophic mistake and one that happened nearly 12 years ago now. We went through hell putting our relationship back together over a number of years and i am happy to say we have both grown enormously since then. There is an 8 year age gap between DSD and DD1 for that reason.

I will happily agree that he was a prize dick back then but he is a prize dick for different reasons now.

He has told me he feels cheated out of naming DD2. The process was excruciating and very nearly marriage ending.

If naming a child is causing this much hassle, I think there's more to worry about in your marriage than your unborn child's name

WorraLiberty England Sat 29-Jun-13 00:04:21

Exactly what Pattie said

Unless you're both particularly prone to drama?

WafflyVersatile Sat 29-Jun-13 00:20:06

Let him build a list of suitable names but you get veto.

I'm massively curious about what your oldest DC is called now.

Before he compiles the list go around putting up signs with your chosen name on them in conjunction with things he likes then tour round so he subconsciously clocks them.

''Biscuits
Nom
Graham''

''Arsenal
winners
Graham''

etc.

EntWife Sat 29-Jun-13 08:20:16

dd1 is called Eden. winkgrin

BoundandRebound Sat 29-Jun-13 08:23:46

He writes list

You veto

Simple

Flobbadobs Sat 29-Jun-13 08:29:06

Get the DC's to make a list of names.
We got our older 2 to make a list of names they liked. DC3 has a first name chosen by DS and her middle name was chosen by DD1. It really worked for us, they had a knack of coming up with names we didn't think of.

Snog Sat 29-Jun-13 08:33:06

What name dies he want for his son OP?

megsmouse Sat 29-Jun-13 08:37:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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