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to resent my husband's employer?

(57 Posts)
lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Fri 28-Jun-13 21:06:00

My husband is a teacher. Generally all is well - he really is fantastic at what he does and enjoys it. The teaching part is not an issue. What I do resent, however, is the extracurricular bits that he has to do.

His contract says that he will assist with a 'reasonable' amount of extracurricular activities. As he has always been a very outdoorsy person he was assigned to the Duke of Edinburgh award and Army cadets. Fair enough, he really does enjoy these activities. Ah, but hang on, all teachers have to have a 'sport' (apparently, it seems the definition of sport is lax where some people are concerned) so, as he used to kayak, he's been made a rowing coach! Boats and water, yes, but that's where the similarity ends.

As a result of this he has to do the following outside of a full teaching timetable and associated planning/marking etc:

2 nights a week rowing coaching until 6pm
Rowing regattas (approximately every other weekend during term time)
DofE weekends - about 4 per year
CCF Weekends - about 2 per year.

In addition to this he is also expected to help out on CCF and Army camp...both of which run in the Easter holidays!

Now yes, I know I'm going to get the 'teachers get loads of holidays' from some people, however if any of you know/are teachers you'll appreciate how much of that is actually 'holiday' (especially with dear Mr Gove changing the rules every 5 minutes). I always knew that we'd be restricted on when we could go on holiday but this encroachment on our personal life seems ridiculous. I think I would be more relaxed if it was half terms, as they're only a week and arguably within term time.

None of this is helped by the fact that I have always had serious wanderlust and a lot of the places my husband and I want to go - Vietnam, Cambodia, India (I'm part Indian) are northern hemisphere which means that summer is a write off, Christmas is, well, Christmas and Easter is non existant. Even worse, next Easter is my 30th and we'd always agreed we'd spend it in India but, oh wait, we can't.

AGH! SO frustrated - AIBU to really resent his work for taking the absolute piss? I'm currently sat at home just feeling miserable about it and I can't even moan to DH as he's on a ruddy school trip to Belgium!!!

P.S. For those of you that saw my previous AIBU, I'm pleased to report that advanced toilet training is going well...

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Fri 28-Jun-13 21:06:17

Oh dear...longer than expected blush

Cailinsalach Fri 28-Jun-13 21:45:55

Yanbu. Your husband's employers sound as if they are all bastards.

I didn't read your other thread but I am delighted to hear your dh is doing well with his toilet training. Especially now that he is so involved with DOE etc.

redexpat Fri 28-Jun-13 21:53:12

YANBU. THat is quite far above and beyond duty. I don't know any other teachers who do that much. Why do they have to do a sport? That's just nuts.

Sounds like a bloody marvellous school to send your kids to though!

mummytime Fri 28-Jun-13 21:57:43

I assume it is a private school? This is the downside of private schools, especially if you don't stand up to them.

Are you SURE it's the school? Most teachers I know get to say what they do a bit more. Is your DH opting in to some of this because he likes it?

DH is exactly the same - teacher in an indie school. School seem to think they own him and that we should be grateful if he's allowed home ever.

Evening meetings particularly piss me off. There used to be a fixed structure of parents evenings being on a set evening a week. Now for a whole load of tedious reasons meetings are set at random. One week it's Friday night, the next Monday then the following week Tuesday. I can't ever commit to an evening activity as there is not a single day of the week that I can be sure DH will definitely be at home.

Does your DH do Saturday school as well?

orangeandemons Fri 28-Jun-13 22:04:05

This must be a private school..I work in a massive comprehensive. 3 teachers run DoE.

No one does clubs until 6.00 pm, and no one does stuff at weekends excepts the very very odd trip

And the inherent sexism of the school pisses me off too. Female teachers are allowed to request special arrangements on the timetable so they can collect DC from school, but male teachers can't (and end up with odd timetables to fit around the women).

LynetteScavo Fri 28-Jun-13 22:10:48

If this is a private school, he's getting off lightly.

I'm friends with wives who's husbands work at boarding schools, and while they try not to complain, and frequently say "I'm not complaining, but.....". I guess it's a life style choice, rather than just a job.

If this is a state school, you should book your trip to India, and let the school pupils know you have a prior engagement.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Fri 28-Jun-13 22:31:18

Thank you all so much, I did wonder if I had unrealistic expectations.

therein Owning is definitely the expectation of the school, and there is no consistency across staff. The outdoorsy/sporty ones end up doing so much more. Fortunately no Saturday school anymore, he did in his previous job though. Mind, the rowing might as well be saturday school.

Lynette There is a distinct difference between boarding and day - DH actually worked at a boarding school before his current job and his duties weren't that much more than they are now. Plus his increased duties meant he had accommodation on site rent free, so he was effectively paid a darned sight more than he is now. Whilst he did do more weekends at the boarding school, they had longer holidays, about three exeats a year and any extra curricular stuff was done to a defined timetable. Yes, it was more hours per week but there was a distinct divide between school time and holiday time - they would never have trips outside term time.

Think we're going to have to put India on hold for a while - it probably will be a while too as we're thinking about kids in the next few years. Whilst I have friends who took 6 month olds to India, I'd rather wait until they're a bit older and can appreciate it properly.

orangeandemons Fri 28-Jun-13 22:32:07

And that is downright blatant sexism and should be bloody reported to the equal opportunities people. Everyone has the right to request that not just women.

Is this some kind of 1970's place he works in. All the men doing macho sports stuff, and all the little women scuttling off to pick up dcs

Cannot believe this is allowed to happen in this day and age....but I guess that's what you get when you work in private school

Chottie Fri 28-Jun-13 22:37:20

It does seem a lot of extra work to me too.

SisterMonicaJoan Fri 28-Jun-13 22:52:20

Cailinsalach I didn't read your other thread but I am delighted to hear your dh is doing well with his toilet training. Especially now that he is so involved with DOE etc.

grin

HormonalHousewife Fri 28-Jun-13 23:00:31

I would expect this from my childrens teachers.

Sorry but I would <shrug>

So we are talking about 2 nights till 6pm wow and about 24 out of 52 weekends ?

The state system is your alternative if you / he are not that committed. No, that sounds awful, as I would have thought state school teachers are fully comitted to their schools too, its just that mayvbe they dont have the same opportunity.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain Fri 28-Jun-13 23:08:37

HormonalHousewife Yes we are talking about 2 nights a week of scheduled activities from 8am-6pm. That does not include the 3-4hrs per night DH spends marking that days work and planning for the next day's activities. It's certainly not a question of 'commitment', if anything that's part of the problem as he's incredibly dedicated. What gets me is the school's abuse of that commitment and the unfair way in which some staff have absolutely no time to themselves and others get away with bugger all.

He's worked in the state sector too but was fed up of spending a large chunk of his time on crowd control and rather than teaching. I wish it weren't the case but sadly the smaller class sizes in the IND sector mean that this isn't as much of an issue from the girl who very proudly went to state school and wishes there wasn't such a divide

Hormonal - without wanting to turn this into a competition, my DH works 8-5.30 mon - Fri, 8-4 on Saturdays in term time, has 1 or 2 evening meetings 7-9 or 7.30-10 most weeks and most non meeting nights does school work for 1-2 hrs after the DC are in bed.

Yes it's great that teachers are committed - but it's shit being the DP and and having your life dictated by the demands of your partner's demanding job.

Mimishimi Sat 29-Jun-13 10:27:53

Does he get the summer holidays off? Can you go then?

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 29-Jun-13 10:42:50

Agrees with hormonal housewife. My DH works 8am - 9ish every day and is working right now. Regularly expects to give up at least half his weekends to work. And takes only about five weeks holiday a year. If classes are smaller than in the state sector why is your dh spending 3-4 hours a night every night marking and planning. We know a couple of secondary teachers - one maths; one geography. Both say they have to plan and mark. Both say that once you have prepped a lesson on Trig or rock formation you have prepared it and can teach it year after year with the odd tweak.

cricketballs Sat 29-Jun-13 12:23:55

married - its not the same with all subjects you know - my subject changes on nearly a yearly basis in terms of the areas I have to teach.

In defence of geography and maths; the constant changing of specifications means that yes, whilst you have the basis done, you not only have to change it depending on the children you are teaching at that time but also the different expectations from the exam boards, Ofsted etc etc

lurkerspeaks Sat 29-Jun-13 12:39:57

This is part of the job. Private sector = huge amount of extra-curricular stuff expected.

If you don't like it you need to talk to your DH about moving somewhere it isn't so expected (state sector) but presumably that will also have downsides.

I hate to break it to you but most demanding jobs (teaching/ law/ medicine etc) have a tendency to break into what would be classified as "social" time. Only people who work clock on clock off jobs don't have such intrusions. The downside - they tend not to be paid very much or get much job satisfaction.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 29-Jun-13 12:55:31

Yes I expect this from DD's teachers, but then I work 8.30 to 7pm three days a week 48 weeks of the year and 26 weekends per year. I work overnight 1 night a week too and only get 28 days holidays. It's worse than some jobs better than others.

ComtessedeFrouFrou Sat 29-Jun-13 13:00:26

I think it's unreasonable that ALL teachers at the school are expected to put this much extra in - surely that's their choice. It would be interesting to know how much of this was discussed/made known at the interview stage. Surely, as in other sectors, it should be up to those who are keen in an area/particularly ambitious or whatever to put the extra in and be rewarded accordingly and those who aren't, don't get the additional pay or promotion?

While a certain amount of "extra-curricular" stuff is expected in my job (also a demanding professional job), it's up to you whether you want to progress by putting in the hours. My DH does (he's in the same field) me, not so much. And proportionately, my DH is more rewarded than me.

LynetteScavo Sat 29-Jun-13 21:02:15

So how much holiday does your DH actually get, OP? How many days of the year doe he not work at all?

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