To either not to go the party or expect adults not to smoke around my toddler

(136 Posts)
Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:16:51

I haven't been on in a while but I am hoping I can have some opinions as to whether I am expecting too much or been abit precious...

So my mum is hosting a baby shower for my sil....apparently it's going to be nice weather Sunday it may be held in the garden. Most of my family smoke as do sil's family and friends and I am quite fussy about smoking around my toddler. There's the obvious don't make around her indoors....but when its outdoors my mum thinks I am been fussy expecting people not to smoke around her 'as it evaporates after 10 seconds'.

So my mum has stated that she wants sil family to feel welcome so they will be allowed to smoke wherever they want outside in the small garden. I don't want my toddler running in and out of people's smoke and I can't expect her to sit still for 2-3 hours or sit indoors when all the action is outdoors so I am thinking about not taking her? Tbh I am so annoyed my mum is not bothered about my daughters health I am considering not going myself....

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area...that way I don't have to worry about my toddler breathing in the smoke as i would make sure she didn't go play over there but this idea was laughed at as apparently I can't expect my lo to live in a bubble.

I just find it really awful that people would even want to smoke sat near a toddler anyway...no she isn't newborn but she still has developing lungs and its gives me a headache sat near passive smoke so I don't want her exposed to it even if it is outside. Of course I can't keep my child in a bubble but I just think family, especially GP's should be abit more understanding about me not wanting a family party to have smoking around children.

So AIBU to not take my little girl with me as even though its a 'family/child friendly' party I don't see nowt it is if everyone is puffing away around her and my mum won't consider a 'smoking area'. When I told my mum I was considering not taking my daughter she said 'well what do u think is more important, X mixing with her family or you been fussy about abit of smoke' my answer to that was that 'if my family are so bothered about seeing my daughter they will hold off on the ciggies or smoke away from her while she is at the party'

I am not anti-smoking...most of my friends smoke...they just know not to do it near children.

Opinions much appreciated as no matter how I try and explain the dangers of passive smoking in children to my mum she thinks I am ridiculous as long as its not blown in her face!

Thanks :-)

ZZZenagain Sat 29-Jun-13 13:12:03

If they are occasional smokers, they probably do think about where they smoke but heavy smokers will probably smoke around your dc.because they are outdoors they will assume the smoke is not harming anyone if they think about it at all. In dh's family there are some heavy smokers and it is anightmare for me, I hate smoke. But to them if a window is tilted open somewhere, they wouldn't see the problem in smoking and certainly not outdoors. I don't think when people are heavy smokers they even take in anymore how unpleasant it is or how much smoke there is in a room. THey genuinely don't seem to notice the smell either.

Pigsmummy Sat 29-Jun-13 13:06:00

I went to a garden party last year, me and another lady heavily pregnant were happy that people made a point if stepping away when they lit up, it's that simple to me, they should.

Take your child and try to keep away from people when they light up. If it doesn't work then leave. No one wants a face full of smoke, just because you are outside doesn't mean that it magically disappears.

ApocalypseThen Sat 29-Jun-13 12:38:48

Well it sounds more smoker than pregnant woman friendly to me. Smoking around pregnant women - at an event to celebrate the pregnancy and insisting that it ain't no party without free smokin' is bizarre to me.

If I were invited to a baby shower, I'd assume it was a non-smoking event. I'd make the same assumption about a toddler birthday party too.

HeySoulSister Sat 29-Jun-13 12:37:46

Smoke from the 'smoking area' can still blow into other areas.... You won't ever be away from it

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 29-Jun-13 12:34:30

Apocalypse, you make that sound like the theme of the party. Im pretty sure it will just a baby shower with people attending who happen to be smokers

ApocalypseThen Sat 29-Jun-13 12:32:54

I think the idea of having a smoking baby shower party is simply bizarre.

CockBollocks Sat 29-Jun-13 12:30:43

I wouldn't go tbh.

I'm sure most smokers (ex smoker here) wouldn't mind sitting in a smoking 'area' they have to do that everywhere else.

CaptainUndercrackers Sat 29-Jun-13 12:26:14

bowlersarm well it seems that the OP is only concerned about this particular party when it comes to her family smoking. When I was a smoker I would have avoided smoking around kids, and I think it's quite reasonable to have a smoking area in the garden rather than people doing it everywhere. If her family can't make that very small adjustment then I think they're the ones being precious. The dangers of passive smoking are well documented, and so what if the effects are cumulative? Why should children have to be around it at all?

mrsjay Sat 29-Jun-13 11:55:24

I smoke and I wouldn't do it near non-smokers, outside or not. I would feel much more at ease with a separate area with ashtrays off to the side, rather than being in among everyone else.

I would too I wouldnt smoke in somebodies face and I would slink off to a smoking area, smoking is vile we all know that and why should a toddler have to breathe it in,

EstelleGetty Sat 29-Jun-13 11:49:01

I smoke and I wouldn't do it near non-smokers, outside or not. I would feel much more at ease with a separate area with ashtrays off to the side, rather than being in among everyone else.

Blessyou Sat 29-Jun-13 11:01:02

YANBU
I would feel exactly the same, and not take her and probably only stay a short time myself.
I don't get the it's OUTSIDE comments...if I can smell it, which I can, it stinks, then I am breathing in the particles, which are toxic. I wouldn't be too happy about living near a factory pumping out toxic fumes that I could smell outside either.

claraschu Sat 29-Jun-13 10:48:35

I hate smoking, but you are being silly. Your toddler will be fine. I agree with fromparis-

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 29-Jun-13 10:45:46

I hope that alcohol isn't being drunk around toddlers in this day and age [DM sadface]

insancerre Sat 29-Jun-13 10:45:15

I am very anti-smoking, have never smoked and never will.
I still think you are being very PFB though.
If you don't want your dd to be exposed to other people's smoke then don't take her.
You really can't expect everyone else to be dictated to by you when it's not even your house garden or party.

HeySoulSister Sat 29-Jun-13 10:38:37

It not actually illegal to smoke tho.... So how is it 'not on in this day and age' ?

Bowlersarm Sat 29-Jun-13 10:31:57

CaptainUndercrackers so OP's DD should never see her relatives because they smoke?

The trouble is, the OP is taking advice from a load of strangers on an Internet forum who don't have to live with the fallout and hurt it will cause her DM and family. Their relationship may never recover, and I think that's a huge consequence to putting up with a few hours of smoke disappearing above a toddlers head.

I need to leave the thread, it is making me very sad

CaptainUndercrackers Sat 29-Jun-13 10:21:17

Don't go. There is nothing that normalises smoking like seeing your relatives doing it. And smoking around children is just not on in this day and age. (I am an ex smoker and my mum died of emphysema so I am slightly militant biased when it comes to taking an anti smoking stance around kids.)

Bowlersarm Sat 29-Jun-13 10:07:43

I am a non smoker but think you are being unreasonable about this.

You will be causing a massive upset to your immediate family, it sounds like, by not taking your DD, to an outside party where smoke will instantly disappear. I don't think it can be as simple as this, you are looking for a reason not to go.

MrsMook Sat 29-Jun-13 09:54:50

Baby shower- let's celebrate the approach of motherhood by blowing lots of smoke around the heavily pregnant mum-to-be. Lovely!

YANBU, sounds perfectly sensible to keep DD away.
I'm the only one in my family who has never smoked. Those who still smoke will avoid children, and don't smoke heavily so there is plenty of time when there isn't fresh smoke wafting around. I wouldn't want to take my young children to a gathering with a lot of smoke constantly- indoors or out.

What's SiL's stance on all the smoking? One day, she may appreciate you making a stand.

Weemee Sat 29-Jun-13 08:58:26

Glad to be of service grin

Lazyjaney Sat 29-Jun-13 08:47:21

This event is about your SILs baby shower, not your toddler. Fit in, don't go, leave your toddler at home - whatever - but it's someone else's day.

Hawkmoon269 Sat 29-Jun-13 08:46:15

Yanbu. At all. For all the reasons listed above. To be honest, I wouldn't go to a party in a small garden with lots if smokers. (Big garden, not so bad). Revolting.

Weemee, it has made me happy this morning that there are still people using the word 'stramash'. Thank you!

YANBU. I wouldn't take my dds somewhere I couldn't avoid people smoking around them.

Weemee Sat 29-Jun-13 08:19:31

YADNBU!! Smoking is harmful!!!! When dd1 was born I refused to take her to my parents because DM smoked. Caused a stramash but so what? As her mother it's my job to protect her from stuff that is harmful. Having grown up in a smoking household and having asthma I wasn't about to expose my child to that. Both of my parents have had cancer (and are both well now) but that's what it took for them to stop! At the end of the day it sucks to upset people but you have to do what is right for you and dd. And I wouldn't really want her in the garden when there's loads of smokers either- I cant even walk behind someone smoking them smell just makes me feel ill.

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