To have nothing more to do with my SIL?

(47 Posts)
BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:09:36

Hi mns,
I've been on here for years but have name changed for this.
Don't want to bore you with an essay so going to make a long story short(ish).
I have been with DH for a few years we have 2 DC 3yrs and 5yrs.
My DH has a sister who over the years she was a bit of a nasty cow to me(I'm a decade younger than her and I think she thought she could look down on me and patronise me etc).
Her nastiness got SO bad a couple of years ago I decided to keep her at arms length,ignored her messages or responded with 'a meet up would be great but I'm busy' etc and kept that going for months.
Anyway my SIL has had a child in the last year(even though she never wanted children didn't really like them!)and she seems to have mellowed and made an effort for us and our DC to meet up.

My SIL is in her 30's and she is married to an extremely wealthy man (older than her parents).
She tells me constantly that she is very lucky as she never has to work again(nor does her DH),how she has SO much money and all the time in the world.
On the other hand my situation is VERY different and my DH is struggling.He has been told recently he may be made redundant in 6 weeks.
We have huge money problems and I have spent the past year looking for a p/t job but it has been hard as any potential jobs don't pay enough to justify the cost of childcare.
I have even tried to get night time work(carer jobs) but with no luck.

Anyway earlier this year I confided to SIL about our money problems and debts and how I was desperate to get work but have no 'support network' to help with childcare (I've lived in the area for a few years now and my family live hundreds of miles away).
She said to me that she is willing to look after my little one until he starts nursery this September. She also offered to do the school run for my eldest.
I told her I was applying for 2 day a week or 3 day a week jobs and in the industry I work/ed in most days would be Saturdays and Sundays so it would be just one day a week that she could help me with childcare.
I was so pleased that she offered me the help.For the next 5 months I applied for around 30 jobs.
The whole time we stayed in touch(weekly) and she constantly asked me how my job searching was going, asked me how my 3rd interview went,and so on.
I kept on double checking that she was still willing to help with childcare and she promised she'd help.
Anyway last week was offered a job!
THEN SIL says by text that she 'may' be able to help but only now and again.
My DH asked her to confirm as it was my first day(the other day) she said that can help 'a bit' ??
She ended up having him and we had to pay someone to have my eldest after school.
We texted her to ask how dc had been and she ignored the message.
In the afternoon while we were still at work she left voice messages saying how she was driving around our block checking our house to see if we were in(she'd had enough of looking after him and was having a major tantrum) of course we weren't in we were coming back from work she KNEW our hours she AGREED to have him.
Anyway DH picks up dc and she is upstairs she is fuming (says her dh) he says 'she is so angry at having to look after dc2' and my husband said that she had offered. She has sent messages to us promising that she wants to help us. How she wants to get us out of our financial mess.
How she has all the time and money in the world and that a day of a childcare a week is nothing plus my DC can play with her little one.

I don't understand. She has done this before many years ago when she promised to have our cat and last minute changed her mind. I feel stupid now.

I now have to call my area manager and explain that I can no longer worksad

She promised and didn't deliver.I deep down knew this would happen a week ago when she found out I had finally been offered a job and she went from 'I promise I'll help you just get a job.I'm there for you I promise' etc to 'oh- well I guess I can help 'a bit' .

She never meant itsad

Why did she do this?My DH wants to speak to her and tell her that she has wasted our time.

DH did question how helpful she really would be as he thinks they're very selfish and look down on people.

Only recently we were visiting them and were half an hour late when SIL opened the door she started crying.
When we asked her what was wrong she said that her DH couldn't believe that we would be so rude to be so late and so he's driving around the area to see if we've had a crash and died!

Anyway sorry I tried not to make it an essay and I thank you if you got this far!smile

CaptainSweatPants Fri 28-Jun-13 10:13:31

Don't give up the job !

Get childcare sorted & in the long run it'll be financially viable

You'll get tax credit help

Chikdmibders are cheaper thannursery

It's only one day please don't resign sad

CaptainSweatPants Fri 28-Jun-13 10:14:17

Forget about sil & channel your anger into finding childcare

Good luck thanks

3littlefrogs Fri 28-Jun-13 10:15:37

Don't give up your job.

Can you try and find a CM just for that one day? You may not be able to keep much of your salary, but your younger child will eventually go to nursery, then school, it will get easier.

I hardly kept any of my salary wen I first went back to work, but it was worth it in the long run as I have stayed in work for 15 years since, and been promoted during that time.

Is there any possibility of flexible working for either of you?

I agree that you must leave your SIL out of it completely.

expatinscotland Fri 28-Jun-13 10:17:59

Sort out childcare but drop SIL.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:18:41

The thing is the money is just over minimal wage(I said yes to 'get my foot in the door')it's an amazing company but after travel I'm left with £30 a day.My eldest before and after school club comes to £10 which leaves me with a tennersad

That's why I was SO happy when she kept on promising to help.
It was only going to be beneficial if I had help.

emsyj Fri 28-Jun-13 10:19:32

£10 says she wasn't crying because you were late, but because she has something going on at home. A further £10 says she told her DH that she had offered you childcare and he said 'no way'.

<pure speculation>

Is her DH quite controlling? Sounds a bit weird to me all round really, I think there is more going on in her life than you know about and she isn't letting you down because of you, it's an issue with her. Agree you should find childcare and keep the job - well done on getting a job, the market is shit at the moment and you've done brilliantly. thanks

emsyj Fri 28-Jun-13 10:20:26

NB It is beneficial in the long term to take the job - even if you're not earning much initially, you'll be developing experience and in the long run you'll be better off.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:21:12

Sorry I'm not even awakeblush I'm left with £20 per day but childminders start at £5 per hour.I'd be out of pocket.

I need to earn now as over drawn,credit cards mounting up.

Thankyou for the replies.

CinnamonAddict Fri 28-Jun-13 10:23:55

Don't give up your job!!!
It has been so hard to find one and now that you got one don't give up so easily.
Do you have any friends who would be willing to child-swap? Take their child on your day off?
Look into childcare, can you get child tax credits, childcare vouchers, anything to help?
If you need this money please start fighting for this job.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 28-Jun-13 10:24:55

what a nightmare!!! Don't give up your job though, seriously, find a cm if you can.

Literally never rely on your sil for help again. My ex mil did this to me several times "oh can't you join a club ot take a dance class or something so I can babysit Dd once a week". Two weeks later having paid for a term ofdance lessons she changed her mind. She did this twice more and I never asked her again.

Really hope you get sorted

Cherriesarelovely Fri 28-Jun-13 10:26:35

sorry op x posted. What a shame! Wracking my brains for you xxx

CaptainSweatPants Fri 28-Jun-13 10:27:58

You have to make it work
Look at the long term
Maybe dp could work from home that one day?
Take leave one day too
Use your parents & his
Invite them to stay once a month if they live further away
Dont give up!
Ask a local babysitter even , might be cheaper

I got a job & freaked because couldn't find a childminder & afterschool club was full

I asked on Facebook & someone recommended a local babysitter who works with children

It's worked brilliant

Don't rely on sil, think of other solutions but don't quit!

ratbagcatbag Fri 28-Jun-13 10:30:58

What about things like Avon? Ann summers? Even the big paper rounds once a week round here pay around £25 per week (massive rounds) but can take kids with you and it's £100 per month.

You can do this, we were in a right mess four years ago, still got credit cards etc but getting there.

Finally claim any ppi you think you're owed, i got £1200 last week for two old loans over tens years ago. I thought they'd laugh at me but got it back and cleared a credit card.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:32:12

I know a few mums to say hello to.
I don't know any working mums as on school run really ever got to know SAHMs.

Looked into childcare vouchers and spoken too childmionders but they want 'set days' I'm not going to work set days.
Also in the interview was told I'd do weekends and one week day (my dh would have looked after dcs so now expensive childcare)
but have told I've got to do lots of weekdays for next couple of months.

After travel I'm left with £20 a day and I live out skirts of London where childcare so expensive.Going to be out of pocket.

I will look into tax credits but not sure I'm entitled(sure I found out this before?)

badguider Fri 28-Jun-13 10:33:41

Don't give up the job!!!! surely working three days (incl. the weekend) will give you enough to break even with childcare on the one day you need it? Even if you do only break even now it's a foot in the door as you say and you can work up / work on better solutions.

Can you get the older child to stay with a friend after school a couple of times to start with while you look for another solution?

Obviously I understand you can't afford to pay to work but there must be some way of making it break even if you're working weekends when your DH can do childcare...

Can your DH take a tiny bit of his annual leave for the next couple of weeks again until a better solution presents itself? I'm having to work one afternoon per week for a month before my nursery place is available and my DH is taking those four days as annual leave....

wimblehorse Fri 28-Jun-13 10:34:33

How many days are you working & how many do you need childcare for?
Even if the 1 day(?) you do need to pay out for ends up costing you, do the other days cover it?
If your do is being made redundant in 6 weeks, he can cover childcare for that (1?) day? Can you call in favours from friends to cover you til then?
Look into tax credits & child tax credits as think they can cover 70% of childcare costs.

badguider Fri 28-Jun-13 10:36:49

Speak to your new employer about weekdays vs. weekends too.. just say you applied as you were looking to work mainly weekends and that doesn't seem to be the case now and what can they do? can they put you on more weekend shifts as that's really what you were/are looking for....

wimblehorse Fri 28-Jun-13 10:37:10

Sorry x-post. Don't give up though!
Is there a Facebook page for elder dc' s class? Could post on there see if anyone interested in reciprocal childcare. A parent rep who may know other working mums who could be interested.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:38:16

Also my dh working all the hours he can as he may be made reduntant very soon.
He can't take a day off if he's ill.

I was meant to work today but I'm ill and my dc are at home they're poorly too.
So this is another example- what happens everytime dc are poorly?
SIL won't help.
I don't know anyone.Noone takes poorly children surely?
My mother lives 2 hours away and has a child.
My in laws are elderly and live 3 hours away.

FantasticDay Fri 28-Jun-13 10:41:28

How frustrating. I do think though that it is worth working in the long run though. The one day a week may be hardly worth it financially, but it will enable you to do the Saturdays and Sundays. And once you've proved your a good worker, it might be possible to rejig your hours, so, for example, you only need to put ds in breakfast club OR afterschool club, but not both. Good luck to you.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:48:06

Thanks again for messages.

I was meant to do Saturday and Sundays and they will try and let me do that but last minute they've told me they need me to do mostly week days.

Recently a few people like my Step father questioned if I was mad looking for jobs while my dc were so young and of course I told everyone that SIL is going to help me.
I would never have looked and applied for a job in London if I didn't have her support as it wouldn't make economic sense.

Thankyou for your advice I'm reading it over and over!

Gingersstuff Fri 28-Jun-13 10:55:02

I'm sorry if I sound brutal (and your SIL sounds like a right cow, so cut her out of your life I think), but you're facing what every working parent does and you have to deal with it. You've not been in the job a week and you're already taking time off sick. If I was in your position (and believe me, been there), I would drag my carcass into work unless I was literally unable to get out of bed so as not to endanger my job. For poorly children, your husband has to shoulder some of the responsibility too and he will have to take time off work to look after the kids, threat of redundancy or no. I think I'm right in saying he has a legal right to provide emergency childcare if the situation demands it, his employer can't hold that against him.
You need to network to get to know people and build up friendly contacts with whom you can swap childminding favours eventually. I don't work set days either and have a good friend who childminds for me. FB is great for these situations as someone else has said, there will always be someone who needs a bit of spare cash and can be flexible.
I don't want to sound mean but you kinda sound like you've just given up at the first hurdle. If your financial situation is as bad as you say, you need to roll up your sleeves and work towards getting yourself out of this mess, starting with not losing your job. Good luck.

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 10:59:06

Another thing to add

Should I go around my SILs this weekend and ask her why she offered to help when she never really meant it?

Someone posted that she may have a controlling husband and he can be a control freak but she didn't have to say every week that she'd help.

Surely she'd know if he was going to get mad if she helped me with childcare?

We are meant to be having a 'family day' next week (dh side of family)
and my dh has said he doesn't want to go and be fake and pretend to get along with SIL and her DH when they've let us down and promised but not kept to their word(or rather her word)

BacktoSquareOne Fri 28-Jun-13 11:12:40

Ginger my dc are ill.DC1 is having a day off.My husband has an important meeting today it's been arranged for a month.If his job wasn't in the state it was in he would a day off.

I've been in my area for 3 years.I'm slowly getting to know people.
I have asked people to help and one lady said she's have my youngest for £30 per day but wouldn't have my eldest/do school run.

There's a lovely lady who works mon-fri and has no childcare for her reception aged child(just for after school)
She is very brazen and asks every mum/dad if they can pick up her dc and a few mums/dads helped her but now they're not and I've heard a few of them slagging her off saying she's a 'piss taker'.
These are the same mums and dads that I know.

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