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IABU to ask my XP for extra cash

(45 Posts)
lovelifeat40 Fri 28-Jun-13 06:07:14

My 16 y DD is having perm retainers fixed next friday which will cost £300. XP gives me £850 from CSA/month (for 2 DDs) but I feel that I should ask him for half the retainer's cost. I have been struggling with him to get the CSA payment, we used to have a private arrangement which he fobbed me off for many years. FYI the guy earns £6000/month after tax. Also my current DH has been of work for nearly 2 months as a contractor, so money is a bit tight this month. so IABU?

runawaysimba Fri 28-Jun-13 06:11:10

Are you unsure because you think he might be difficult about it? My DP splits expensive costs with his exW for their DD, on top of what he pays in child support. Actually normally ends up paying well over half. He can afford it, she's his daughter too, why shouldn't you ask?

lovelifeat40 Fri 28-Jun-13 06:22:11

Hi Runa, yeah I think he will be difficult about it, like I said I had many months struggle with him to settle maintenance, he is very tight with his dear cash. I also feel that expensive costs should be split, but not sure about it really as I have not come across this situation since the CSA payments are in place, he used to cover most expensive costs before, as obviously he didn't pay nowhere near the correct maintenance amount, so somehow he must have felt guilty. wink

ilovechips Fri 28-Jun-13 08:49:33

Extra expenses definitely I think should be shared with each parent, maintenance doesn't cover things like that so I would ask him.

(I don't think you should mention to him that money is tight at home though, or he might think you just want the money to see you through a rough patch which to be fair is nothing I do with him, no matter how much of an arse he might be!)

ilovechips Fri 28-Jun-13 08:50:18

Nothing *to do with him, bloody autocorrect!

CloudsAndTrees Fri 28-Jun-13 08:57:01

My ex pays half of all big costs on top of maintenance, but I get far less a month than you do.

If you think he will be difficult about it enough that he would mess you around with the regular payments, then I'd ask gently and hope for the best. He should pay half without question, but if he's an arse about it then I wouldn't want to risk the regular payments for a one off.

With my ex, I give him a copy of the invoice/reciepts/school letter so he can see exactly what the money is needed for and exactly how much it is. When you ask, be prepared with whatever paperwork you have from the orthodontist.

lovelifeat40 Fri 28-Jun-13 09:10:29

Thanks for your replies. Well I emailed him this morning, let's see the outcome.

babyhmummy01 Fri 28-Jun-13 09:27:41

Extra expenses definitely I think should be shared with each parent, maintenance doesn't cover things like that so I would ask him.

sorry to put a spanner in the works, but if he is paying the full amount deemed required by the CSA then maintenance does cover this. If however he is paying a lower amount as agreed between you and the CSA are merely facilitating then yes you should ask.

If you went through CSA wouldn't they make him pay more as its a percentage of the income?

I think you should definitely ask for half of big expenses. Maintenance is for general day to day life not big expenses.

chickensaladagain Fri 28-Jun-13 09:54:42

If the payment is arranged through the CSA then he is under no obligation to give you a penny more

Human decency however is another matter!

My ex refuses to put his hand in his pocket for anything and I've given up asking as he can be very difficult and he pays less than £100 a month for 2 dcs

But is this a discretionary spend? I don't pay for my childrens dental stuff, it is all NHS.

Is it because she is 16 and so no longer gets it free (in which case it is reasonable to ask him) or is it because you and dd have decided she needs cosmetic dentistry or a more discrete brace (in which case he should have been asked if he was happy to pay before you went ahead).

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 10:37:39

As I see it, maintenance is money that goes in to the RP's household to cover all expenses for their child. It is additional money on top of the RP's usual income. Does the NRP get extra money on top of their income? No. It is up to the RP to manage this money and make sure they manage it wisely to cover additional costs.

Believe it or not the NRP has a household to run as well and don't have an endless pocket full of money. The government don't see the NRP's household as important to the child, but it is and the NRP should have money to live on to provide home for their child as well as the RP.

ilovechips Fri 28-Jun-13 12:56:36

Needaholidaynow - The NRP doesn't have additional income because they are precisely that - the non- resident parent, therefore they don't have the daily expenses associated with having the children there full time. Maintenance is, well, maintenance - for day to day maintenance of the children, food, clothes, uniforms, shoes, utilities, small school trips, school meals etc. It is not for additional expenses - for example, my daughter just came home with a letter about a school trip costing £1,200. By your logic should that be covered by maintenance too? Because by mine (and exh's) it means we pay £600 each.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 13:20:49

What if neither of you can afford it though? I'm talking general terms here, what if an nrp could only afford the maintenance and nothing else, and the rp didnt have any extra money either? Is the nrp then expected to find the money from somewhere? Two incomes do have to stretch further when parents have split than if they were still together because there are now two households to maintain.

In the case of my DP and his ex, nobody has ever paid maintenance. It's about 50/50, but just say my DP did pay maintenance, Then my DP would expect his ex to use this money to pay for everything regarding their daughter. They currently just pay for their own households and go halves on big expenses like trips, uniform and school snacks etc.. But if she went down the CSA route then DP has already said he won't be giving her anything else and it can go towards the things he goes halves on, and he will only buy clothes for here. He says if it's 50/50 then why would he be paying her gas bill when she isn't paying ours?

SuperStrength Fri 28-Jun-13 13:29:20

Being out of work is part of the deal for contractors. When he's working I imagine your husband has a company income of £100k per year on average & limits the tax he pays by working through an umbrella or limited company. Based on this, I think you can probably afford to pay.

ilovechips Fri 28-Jun-13 13:32:55

Well in my case if we couldn't afford it she wouldn't go. I guess everyone works things out differently - my daughter has nothing at her father's house, no clothes etc, she takes a suitcase if she goes to stay (not my choice) and has always been treated like a guest it's not her second home. So in my case, maintenance really does pay for literally everything. Major school trips like the one I mentioned above are the only times I have ever asked for extra (twice in 4 years). We didnt go through the csa - my new DH paid maintenance for his daughter via the csa and I wouldn't wish dealing with them on my worst enemy.

wow SuperStrength you worked all that out from 3 posts!

amazing!

ilovechips Fri 28-Jun-13 13:38:55

Lol superstrength - not all contractors are on £100k+ you know!

beenhereayear Fri 28-Jun-13 13:42:33

Eh, think that would depend on what kind of contract superstrength, you could be a building / labouring contractor or pretty much minimum wage.....

lovelifeat40 Fri 28-Jun-13 14:45:19

superstrengh. My DH's income has nothing to do with my DDs, he is not the father and shoudn't have to fork out for extras. Yes this cost is a luxury for my DD, hence I am not demanding my XP to pay for but nicely asked if he wad willing to go half. Also as i mentionned in my initial post, XP earns ovrr 6 grand a month after tax, so please do not tell me he cannot afford £150 as a one off. he owns 3 houses. His house expenses are totally irrelevant to my DDs, his choice to get married and have another child. It is his responsibility to look after all his children financially equally.

Nerfmother Fri 28-Jun-13 14:50:23

I think yanbu to ask and he wnbu to refuse. As its is cosmetic and not a must.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 28-Jun-13 15:27:16

People should try and remember that if the csa asses maintainance its the apsolute minimum the nrp should pay but the maximum the pwc can force them to pay.

Decent people who can afford to should pay more than the apsolute minimum without having to be asked.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 28-Jun-13 15:31:41

he earns £6000 a month take home and only gives you £850 i am surprised

no of course he should help out you can ask and i hope he will

libertine73 Fri 28-Jun-13 15:35:02

If he's a decent human being he'll say yes, he can afford it let's face it.

lovelifeat40 Fri 28-Jun-13 15:49:31

Freudian, yes, saddly this is what the CSA has worked out, he can deduct due to the fact he has another child with his DW and deduct money from 2 nights my DDs go to his every other week-end. Very well made point Sock, he is only paying the absolute minimum.
Well he still hasn't replied to my email, which I suspect will be a negative reply if ever he bothers to reply.
Bottom of the story is that his DDs will one day realise what a tight arse he is and do not really care for their welfare.

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