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To ask DH to just tell me the truth from the start.

(48 Posts)
celebmum Thu 27-Jun-13 22:28:19

i need help here because i really dont think im asking too much. DH on the otherhand thinks im the one in the wrong.
example... it all starts with DH saying hes 'going out for tea after work' with workmates. this is fine, lovely even. not a problem. i know he works hard. he deserves to chill with his mates. then a day or so before the 'event' it becomes 'going for a curry and a few drinks' when probed further i get 'i dunno, not sure if im staying out. ill just come home'.
then by the time the night out in question arrives i dont hear anything about it and it becomes a 'full night out with the lads, change of clothess taken into work and everything'...
example.. DH says hes having a night out for his birthday with workmates.. few days later night out becomes night away.. bit further on and its a weekend going walking/boozing.. when probed for further info i get 'dunno/not sure' answers.. nothing specific. yet to others hes telling them that they have b&b booked, pub crawl planned etc.
AIBU to ask DH that if hes planning a night out or whatever to just tell me that from the start rather than feed me aload of bullshit all week?? im happy for him to go out and do whatever whenever all i ask is that he keeps me in the loop. i am his DW aand them one at home with our 2DC (3yrs & 8ms) afterall.

celebmum Thu 27-Jun-13 23:21:14

with a stroppy preschooler and a breasfed baby yeah i do! *well more than 2mins notice to be fair grin

No you are not controlling, nor is it about who is going to bath the children.

He is being disrespectful and awkward. Say he was going for a curry so-say after work, you cannot make a plan to go to cinema at 8 pm that night because you don't know if he will be back. Now that's controlling isn't it.

It just sounds to me like you're both being pretty passive-aggressive about this.

I get you only get really arsy when he's late, but even just making little digs like 'what, again?' are a passive-aggressive way of saying 'I'm not saying no but I'm not totally happy either.'

And obviously he's also being passive-aggressive and really unreasonable.

How often is he going out anyway?? It's not cool if he's going out all the time and you never get to go out.

I don't think you're controlling, you just want to know what's going on. But I think you guys are stuck in a bad dynamic here.

Btw you CAN say no sometimes. In fact it might be easier for you to really be okay with him going out if you know that saying no is an option, that you're not always forced to say yes.

WorraLiberty Thu 27-Jun-13 23:35:50

This may be completely different to you and your DH but...

I have a friend who used to behave in a similar way to your DH because he used to sulk and make her feel like shit, for just doing what the rest of us did on a Saturday night.

If we decided to go to a pub, then on for a meal, then on to a club...she used to have to 'break it to him in small chunks' to stop him kicking off.

She'd start by saying "Oh next Saturday I'm going out with my friends to the pub."

Then once he got 'used' to the idea, she'd break it to him (a few days later) that we might go for something to eat. He'd ask what time she was planning on coming home and get a bit sulky.

Then after receiving the silent treatment for another day or two, he'd ask her again what time she was planning on coming home and she'd take a deep breath and tell him we were probably going on to a club.

Cue lots more sulking...often to the point where she'd feel like shit and think it's not worth the hassle for a night out.

Now she just tells him the plans from the start...he still acts like a big baby but it's less drawn out.

WorraLiberty Thu 27-Jun-13 23:38:30

Oh and no-one bothers bathing the children that night

Why bother if it's going to cause hassle?

They can go without a bath.

goodasgold Thu 27-Jun-13 23:47:18

I do think if you're planning to have a big night out it's fair to let your dp know. But I can see that if your dp is going to give you hell then you might as well enjoy your night out and deal with the hell the next day.

I think its better if both parents acknowledge the others need/want for time alone and don't give each other a hard time. But that would mean you op getting time to yourself as well.

When I go out I expect my dh to bathe the dc and read to them, but its not all one sided, it must work both ways.

Flobbadobs Fri 28-Jun-13 01:09:37

Me and DH have started having a diary meeting for this very reason grin
And I do not give a flying holy shit if it makes me look controlling or needy, if i know that he is likely to not be home before breakfast or if he's out overnight with clients and I'll see him at teatime the following day then so be it. It's me that has to organise the kids activities/get my arse in gear and not fanny around in the early evening mumsnetting watching Gumball not him.
He respects me enough to not bullshit me. YANBU xx

Rulesgirl Fri 28-Jun-13 01:26:29

Ask him? Sit down and calmly tell him how it makes you feel and why you would like to know if he is going to be out all night in advance and you will be totally fine with it. Maybe there is already form set up here that goes way back and he has had texts from you before harshing his night. A lot of us have oh who work shifts and are hardly ever there for the whole night so putting 2, 3 or 4 children in the bath, dinner and bed alone is the norm. And it is for a lot of single mums too. I think you really need to discuss this and sort it out in a non judgemental manner before the relationship gets damaged. Small things like this can really eat away at a relationshipl

cronullansw Fri 28-Jun-13 01:30:00

What an inconsiderate bastard.

This is terrible behaviour. sad

Seriously, he's trying to minimise a situation, he doesn't want the pissing and moaning and the arsey texts, he's trying to minimise the amount of grief he's going to get - for daring to go out for a beer! The bastard.....

Op, chill.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 28-Jun-13 08:51:05

Erm, seriously, of course YANBU. It's not on for him to tell you one thing when he means another especially when it means you're left alone with the DC without any notice and he's swanning off having fun. (Would be different for example if he worked unpredictable hours)

It's common courtesy to let your spouse know the plan if there is a plan already made and if there isn't, well, ok, either be honest and say "I don't know how long I'll stay out, it depends how I feel on the night" or text when you're out saying "I'm going to be back a bit later now because we've decided to go out for drinks, is that ok?" You can't just assume it's fine unless you have some kind of mutual agreement in place.

Doing bedtime alone because you're a single mum or because your partner works at that time is totally different and I don't think the OP is moaning about having to do bedtime alone, but when you're in a relationship parenting is a team effort and not supposed to be left just to one person because the other can't be bothered to step up. Part of the hard thing about being a parent is having to be aware at all times where your child is and who is looking after them and you do lose that spontaneity. Unless you have a mutually reciprocal arrangement it's not on for one person to bear the whole responsibility for being aware where the children are while the other goes off regularly on drawn-out, unplanned jaunts without a care in the world.

OP how often do you get to go out and when you go out how often are you out longer than expected? How would your DP react if you decided to go out for birthday drinks which turned out at the last minute to be a girlie weekend away without telling him?

UserError Fri 28-Jun-13 08:59:53

I want to know how he'd react if you did the same thing. If it's anything along the lines of 'You can't, you've not given me enough notice, what am I suppose to do with the kids?' then he's a dickhead.

For those posters moaning 'What's so hard about looking after your own kids and putting them to bed?', it's not about that, clearly. It's about respect and at the moment, he's not placing any importance on what the OP does because it's ok for him to fuck off at short notice as he knows she'll look after the kids. It's disrespectful.

livinginwonderland Fri 28-Jun-13 09:08:44

This would bother me too. DP is very good like and this will say "I'm doing X on X night, I'll be back by 11pm" and he's always either back, or sends me a text to let me know he'll be late/early or that his plans are changing so I don't stay up and worry or anything.

If people are honest from the front, they'll get much more respect and much less moaning from their other halves! Though, I have to say that moaning and saying things like "what, again?!" can be seen as being passive aggressive and maybe he feels like he can't tell you because you'll moan.

How often do you go out, OP?

CarpeVinum Fri 28-Jun-13 09:23:43

I don't think drink fuelled all nighters with "the lads" or "the girls" are a fabulous idea in the context of a relationship with children.

Kids need stability and security. Drink lowers inhibitions and "firends" can egg on lowered standards for the conspiratoral/gang of us buzz. Family unit crushing infidelity, ending up in the dock, absence while the other parent does heavey lifting alone, all those are potential outcomes even in somebody with the capsity to do so much better if "fucking up under the influence of drink/mates" is taken out of the equation.

It's up to you and your husband, but aside from other not exactly low tension behavoir of his in the home, his going out could well be lumping a heap of additional "realtionship longevity" risk factors on top of all the stresses and strains of bringing up a young family.

His children's need for a low tension, stable and secure home really has to take precidence over his desire to go out with the lads.

Going out with friends is not an issue, but that doesn't have to happen in such a way that it puts the adult relationship, upon which the family hangs, at risk of additional stress factors.

He has to pick which is more important. His children not siffering from the fall put of his choices and the resultant tensions being heighten ..... or his current version of a social life.

livinginwonderland Fri 28-Jun-13 09:27:21

You really think people can't/shouldn't go out with "the lads" or "the girls" because they have kids?! hmm

LayMeDown Fri 28-Jun-13 09:30:12

In your post last night at 22.55 you said he drove home pissed. I am surprised no one else picked up on this. If this is right then that right there is grounds for divorce as far as I am concerned. Never mind the throwing things and storming off which is awful behaviour to. What a selfish fucking arsehole. He could kill someone.
The actual point of your post YANBU. But if your husband is a aggressive pisshead who happily breaks the law and put others at risk, this is the least of your problems.
If my DH drove home drunk, I'd call the police on him, I'm perfectly fucking serious.

MrsMelons Fri 28-Jun-13 10:07:23

My DH does similar things but I am hoping things are better now as we have had a huge conversation about it.

He never gets angry or anything, more apologetic but it was because he wasn't sure if I would be ok with it. Eg he said he was going on a stag do and said he would prefer the 2 or 3 night option they were given when in fact he had actually said he was happy for the 4 night option to his mates. Not on a regular basis re going out but mainly bigger stuff like that.

It was ridiculous to lie as obviously I would have found out when he booked that it was 4 nights and he does half the childcare/school runs so would have to sort that.

I don't think I was 100% ok with some of the arrangements he was making but I have told him he has to be honest otherwise there will be no trust in the end, I may say I am not that happy about it but would never stop him doing anything or make him feel guilty.

I made it clear the trust issues weren't about other women or anything but if he lies about things eventually I will not trust him to tell me the truth about anything.

I would definitely be pissed off if DH didn't come home when he had originally said etc as thats not how we are but if he has always done this you need to just tell him to tell you the truth as that is what is causing the upset. He is a man not a child so should be able to deal with it!

Hedwig06 Fri 28-Jun-13 11:35:58

I'm having this very situation today/tonight. My "D"H has form for NEVER coming in at the time he says, he NEVER sticks to what he originally tells me, he ALWAYS gets absolutely pissed, coming in breaking things, being sick, snoring extremely loud - so waking me up if I am even asleep.

It caused a huge argument last time, (he was verbal to me) and was in effect the reason we, (he) has fallen out with close friends of ours. At the time I asked him not to go out again, (unreasonable? I suppose) but that was what I felt I needed at the time to get over the situation. Not more than a few weeks later he started saying he was going out again - I reminded him of our conversation and it was forgotten for a few days then he would start again.

Fast forward to yesterday he tells me he's going out as a good friend of his is going to work abroad for a few months. I reminded of our conversation, but this time he going and that's that.

Does that make me unreasonable or him?

I have to look after our 4 DC, do all the jobs, dinner, etc. I have to put up with hardly any sleep, I have to get up tomorrow with DC, I have to entertain them while he is sick and lying around, effectively ruining our weekend.

You are not BU

niceguy2 Fri 28-Jun-13 11:47:04

Sounds like you both need to sit down and come up with a set of ground rules.

You say it's OK for him to go out but then you also say you send him arsy texts etc.

I suspect your DH if he was here would say he feels like you hate him going out and having a laugh with his mates. Something which you would deny. So there's a disconnect there.

I've had similar with my ex where it often felt I'd get grief for doing something so rightly or wrongly I used to stretch the truth...delay revealing the full plans or whatever. Just for an easy life. Of course when the truth came out there'd be a huge row.

Now with my fiancee she's the opposite. She isn't arsey and is overall very supportive of me so I don't feel the need to lie or stretch the truth. We're honest and it's so much easier.

redexpat Fri 28-Jun-13 12:16:06

Have you said all of this to him? Have you told him that actually telling someone where you are going and when you are going to be back is what you do. If something happens, the other person knows when to worry and where to start looking. It never fails to amaze me how many people, usually men, don't know this.

Ashoething Fri 28-Jun-13 12:27:53

Your dh is an abusive twat and I cant believe posters on here are trying to paint the op as some sort of harpy.He drink drives,smashes things and is verbally abusive.You are not the one in the wrong here op.

Longdistance Fri 28-Jun-13 12:31:07

My dh is like, bar throwing cups. He wouldn't do that.

He'll make a plan. I'll ask if he's coming home, saying at friends, will he be really pissed that he not be doing anything with us the next day, I want to know. Need to plan.

Earlier...

Me- what's the plan for tomorrow?
H- we'll get such and such when we're out, and I've got sil coming over to help you with the dc (I currently have a broken leg) when I'm at rugby.

An hour later...'the Lions game's on at the rugby club, you don't mind if I go and watch it'

1) Why didn't he say it earlier when I asked what the plan was?
2) Saying, 'you don't mind if I go watch it' is him putting his weight around saying, 'I'm gonna watch it'
3) And how the hell does he think a women with a broken leg is gonna look after a 2 and 4 year old and put them to bed confused

WilsonFrickett Fri 28-Jun-13 12:47:59

It sounds to me as if your DH has a problem saying no when alcohol is involved. So he geniunely thinks he is just going out for a curry, then someone says 'how about another pint' and it snowballs from there.

My logic for that is I can't believe anyone would take the car with them for a boozy night. In fact, I think he takes the car with him to stop the night snowballing ('I can't have a drink, I've got the car... oh go on then).

But that's probably because I'm a decent person and can't imagine anyone would deliberately plan to drink-drive.

OP do you think he is in control of his alcohol consumption?

I also agree with pp's who say you have both dropped in to a bad dynamic - you do seek to control him, so he with-holds. But then, if I'm right about the alcohol thing, I completely understand why you seek to control him. It's a bad move you know. You can't stop a drunk from drinking.

Carpe that is a bonkers post though. Of course you can have a social life/nights out with friends and successfully parent and partner hmm

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