to not want neice to stay at ours(276 Posts)
NC because this may identify me and I don't want RL people to read my previous posts.
Right, my neice is at some kind of summer school/camp thing in Leeds Monday to Friday next week. Her mum (DSISIL) is driving her up on Monday morning. She's due to pick her up on Friday but DSISIL is now saying that this will mean she has to take Friday off work and she can't do that (for some reason about not having enough hours and needing to take it as unpaid leave).
So, she suggested that we (that's me and DP, no kids) pick up my our neice on Friday, have her at ours on Friday night and then DSISIL will pick her up on Saturday afternoon.
So you know, we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive and we don't have children of our own. Neice is 7 years old.
I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child. I don't mind DSISIL and her daughter coming over for a bit on Friday evening after she's picked up her daughter.
DP agrees with me but is of the opinion 'what can we do?' because he doesn't want to cause a row with his family. My perspective is that his sister is a selfish cow who continually dumps on people because she can't organise and sort out her own life. If we don't want to look after her daughter over night then we shouldn't feel forced to. If his parents and sister don't like it then fuck 'em. We never ask them to do anything for us that they don't want to and would never dream of it.
AIBU about this? I think I might be being a bit precious about my Friday night but I work fucking hard all week and I resent having part of my weekend stolen!!
Will try to update but my home internet is on the blink (no smartphone!) so it may have to wait until tomorrow.
hmm the most telling part of this post is "we don't have any kids" because if you did then you would know that it can be a pita sometimes getting them from place to place. at some point in the future you may have kids and when you do you will realise that having someone help out and have your child for a night is absolutely gold dust. go ahead and not have her if that is what you want but think on a couple of years when this may be you working full time with a DC needing some help and no one will put themselves out for you. what goes around comes around in my opinion.
Yanbu - 30 miles is a long way on public transport, you're looking over an hour on a decent network.
I wouldn't do it, and if his family kick off I'd ask why they arent doing it if they're that bothered.
Could you not just be nice and look after your niece overnight? It would seem like the kind thing to do.
If you're not fussed about being kind then just don't do it.
How is DSIL expecting you to get to where your niece is?
Could you use this time to get to get to know your DN? Do some crafty stuff - maybe she dreads spending timew ith you, too? Doing something together would help.
Do you do things for Dsisil often? Does she know how incovenient it's going to be by train/bus? IS it difficult to do by public transport, or can just not be arsed.
Could DH tell her that it's not convenient those days and draw the line?
If you don't want family to take the piss, then just don't let them and put up with ther tuts and strops.
I am a bit confused.
Is this a school trip? If so surely it is the school's responsibility to take her there and back not the parents?
If not a school trip then how and why is she doing this in term time? And IMO 7 seems very young to be sent a long way away to do a camp thing for a whole week.
I do think your DSIL sounds very entitled to assume that you will be prepared to put yourself out on her behalf. However, all that apart would it be so very bad? Maybe you would actually enjoy doing something different for once on a Friday?
Admittedly the logistics sound a bit tricky with no private transport and a 30 mile trip.
I do not think the OP is BU at all.
She is expecting too much by wanting you to go and collect her child on public transport, but I don't think she's doing anything wrong by asking if her dd can stay one night with you.
If she can make the transport arrangements, I'd do it, but expect DH to do the lions share of entertaining and looking after, because it's his side of the family.
If he is willing to do all the travelling to pick up his niece, then let him, that's his decision.
I wouldn't want to give up my weekend either, but unless the SIL has done something to annoy you and you don't like her, I'd do my best to help out. Can you at least collect her on the Friday and your SIL pick her up from yours later that night (maybe stay over and drive back the next day?). If your DP wants to say yes, then let him pick the niece up and babysit, and you go out for the night.
I dont think you are being unreasonalbe. I dont think you sound selfish. I dont think you sound mean.
It is a big ask to make you do a 60 mile round trip. Even if you drove, that takes the piss. Just say no. If your partner wants to have his neice then he can do all the travelling, entertain her and get up on saturday mornnig with her.
I think it's your DH's call/responsibility, but it would be a nice thing to do to help out your DSIL/his DSis, and to get to know your niece. 7 year olds are not difficult to entertain, just shove a pizza in the oven and CBBC on the telly. You never know when you might need a favour, and she might turn out to be a charming young woman whose company you will welcome in later life.
Its a bloody long way though. If it were round the corner I'd say she was being a bit unreasonable and should at least compromise, since she might be in that position one day.
But thirty miles?
I do just over 30 miles to fetch my daughter and if I have to use a train it takes two hours when there is not direct train - and that's just being met at the station, if I had to get off and go to her school it'd add an hour.
If it's a logistical nightmare to travel 30 miles to get her, and means you'd have to take time off work or rearrange plans, then YANBU.
But don't do it because you don't like your DN, and don't know what to do with a 7 yo. The internet is packed with pictures to colour in and kids love things like that; or try making a collage with lentils, or sticking leaves to a piece of paper to make a picture, or baking cupcakes. Failing all that stick her in front of the telly. We were all 7 once and kids are really just small people, not aliens.
I'm amazed DNs mum arranged for her to go to this camp thing without sorting out how she'd get her home, or perhaps she had you lined up all along? If that's the case i'd be put out at her presumptuousness but maybe this isn't the occasion to make a stand.
I get that the actual collecting might be too big an ask, but actually your main point seems to be that you don't like your niece and don't want to give up any of your weekend time.
You sound self absorbed and mean. You do realise 7 year olds go to bed reasonably early, so you''ll have 'you time'?
She wants you to do a 60 mile round trip on public transport so she doesn't have to take a day's unpaid leave?
So she wants you to incur expenses so that she doesn't lose a day's pay?
Are you going to tell her how much it would cost you and ask her if she's going to pay the travel costs?
If your partner wants to do it, then let him. You don't both need to go. Wave him off on public transport and tell him you'll see them both later.
And - 7 yr old children are very often irritating. but she is family and unless she is a head spinning, pea soup vomiting creature from the depths of hell, perhaps you could just be ok with putting yourself out and helping out.
You don't have to say yes, that is true. but there's no harm in people asking for help. It doesn't make them bad people, so long as they accept and respect a no.
Meant to say that if you are also working, then say sorry, just as you can't take a day's unpaid leave to pick up your own child, I can't take a day's unpaid leave to pick up someone else's.
Is the camp in headingley rather than the city
An unfamiliar, tired 7 yo, Friday night commuter trip of at least an hour
I think the mother is bu even asking you
She shouldn't have signed her up if she couldn't pick her up
Just say 'No, I'm sorry, it's not convenient'. So, she has to take a day off of work - it's what you do when you have kids <shrug> It's not as though it's around the corner and you are minding her for an hour or two.
I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I drive and I like kids
60 miles on public transport is asking too much. If you drove I'd say just do it.
How much will it cost to go and get her on public transport? 30 miles is not a short journey.
Tbh I don't think that people should arrange for their children to do things if they aren't prepared to do the ferrying around.
However, YABU to say that you don't like her. She is 7.
You know, in a few years' time when you're stuck in a nursing home and not a soul visiting you, you might remember this.
Don't take for granted your relationship with the young ones, one day you will depend on them, maybe not financially, but just to open your door or give you a call and ask how you're doing. She is your relative.
I would leap at the chance to spend time with my niece, probably the mother thinks she is doing a nice thing for you.
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