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to be annoyed dd1 is never invited to peoples houses?

(67 Posts)
muddyprints Wed 26-Jun-13 13:59:43

dd1 is 5, has a nice group of friends at school and likes to see them out of school.
she has invited them all to our house over the past 2 years, some of them have been 5 or 6 times each, they play nicely together and are no trouble so im happy for them to come over, except dd is never invited back to their houses.
she has been to one friends house once when I specifically said can we come over.
dd is quiet and friendly so I don't think there is a personality problem that they don't want her there and they keep sending their dcs to our house so don't mind kids playing together.
people say it would be nice for kids to play together and then ask what do I think, I agree, then they stand there or say cant do it at their house and wait for me to offer.
aibu to ignore hints and suggest we meet at the park?
dd likes them to play so maybe I should just keep inviting and not worry but its getting unfair, im left with the mess, the noise, entertaining dd2 so she doesn't feel left out, cooking dinner for them and dd asks why cant she play at other houses and isn't getting the opportunity to be taken round while young and get confident to go alone.

muddyprints Thu 27-Jun-13 14:47:10

tbh, the kids are nice so I don't mind them coming over, and its not weekly, every few weeks I ask dd if she'd like a friend round and she picks one, I don't expect an instant return offer.
but dd is 5 and would really like to play at their house, see new toys, get away from dd2 for an hour secretly, get used to going to new places, getting independent. they talk at school and dd comes home and says x wants her to go and play, I tell her the mom needs to ask her, then no offer comes and dd is disappointed asking me why cant she ever play at their house, why do they always come to our house.
most are sahms with 1 other child, same as me.
I will keep asking them round as dd likes them.

Mumsyblouse Thu 27-Jun-13 13:10:06

If the reason you don't return the favour is a practical one such as DeWe's then fine, say this to the other person- I can't do it because of XY and Z. That way the person knows you would love to do this but you can't for practical reasons and may even be able to help out (e.g. play round theirs more than yours, pick up or drop off). I always drop off one of my dd's friends (even though I have another child) because the mum's often at home with two tinies and can't start driving round at 8pm for a pickup . Similarly if you don't do something in the term, but take all the children out in the holidays, that's fine.

It's when people just accept invite after invite and don't seem to think that they need to do anything in return that I think it's rude- for the reasons BarbarianMum has given. No-one loves playdates, no-one loves cooking for more kids, no-one loves driving them home afterwards while juggling more than one child, but most people are in the same boat and also working, so expecting them to go out of their way and put themselves out to entertain your chld, but not being willing to do it, even occasionally, is quite lazy in my opinion. No- they don't love playdates any more than you do!!!

BarbarianMum Thu 27-Jun-13 12:39:05

<<I really can't believe that people expect invites to be reciprocated.>>

Why on earth not? It's pretty similar to other aspects of a social life isn't it? Do you only see your friends at their houses? Do you only accept invitations to restaurants/the cinema but never issue them? When you go out with friends do you always expect them to drive.

Reciprocity in some form is a pretty standard feature of social interaction.

DeWe Thu 27-Jun-13 12:16:47

With 3 dc (12, 9 and 6) and three schools to pick up some nights, combined with after school clubs there aren't many evenings I can invite back in a term.
The thing is that if dd2 has a club, I can leave dd1 to look after ds while I drop her off. But I can't ask dd1 to look after ds and a friend, it's not fair on dd1 or the friend.
Equally if dd1 has a local club, then I may leave dd2 on her own. But I wouldn't leave dd2 with a friend. But I won't leave ds with dd2.

So that means that if dd2 or ds have a friend, they will have time sat in the car, waiting for the activity to finish. I don't think it;s fair to invite a child round knowing that you'll have to drag them out 2-3 times to pick another child up.

Also I only have a 5 seater car, so I can only take 1 friend with all 3 of my dc. Often I'm giving lifts to other children to the activities, so I physically can't do it.

forehead Thu 27-Jun-13 12:00:39

Agree Jelly.. some parents have playdates every week. I am unable to reciprocate.

forehead Thu 27-Jun-13 11:56:56

I really can't believe that people expect invites to be reciprocated.
I work extremely long hours in a demanding job, so it is often difficult for me to arrange playdates at my home. To be honest i dislike playdates.
However, i do arrange trips to the cinema, during the holidays.

VonHerrBurton Thu 27-Jun-13 11:47:46

Jelly - how on earth does your dh manage to get any sleep with 5 dc in the house?! They must be very quiet or he must be very tired!

gotthemoononastick Thu 27-Jun-13 11:06:40

Maxpepsi...you are from the Southern Hemisphere??Are you my daughter?

jellybeans Thu 27-Jun-13 10:14:46

I do have their friends round but prefer it to be occasional. Perhaps every month or two. It really annoys me when people invite my kids weekly or more and then expect the same back. I just can't do it with 5 DC, husbands shifts (can't have them while he is in bed after nights for example) and my studying and after school clubs we have little time.

Some people do far too many and I used to avoid them at the school gates as they invited my kids twice a week without fail. I do want to see my own kids! I think for some people it is just easier for them.

Mumsyblouse Thu 27-Jun-13 10:09:18

I think it is quite rude to keep accepting invitations for your children to go round to other people's houses and never invite them back. It's fine to just invite with no expectation of it being returned, I do that, but it's still noticeable if several (not even just one) parents just never ever return the invitation. However, my children's friends and their families all seem like us, invite a bit not too much and try to return invitations where possible. If I've had two invites from the same parent, I try to invite back even if it is a bit inconvenient for me, which it is inbetween work/dropping off when you have another child etc.

Jux Thu 27-Jun-13 10:05:07

I hate hosting dd's friends, but they come round lots. I feed them and chat when they want to chat and keep out of the way the rest of the time. She rarely goes to their houses. I don't know why and I'm not that bothered. Nor is she. She's in secondary now, and it has always been like this, except for nursery.

Good point! If I hide the iPad from myself, we do look a little tidier!! Still, it's strike day, we've got a friend round, it's going to get messy.. I'll have a tidy up after grin

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Thu 27-Jun-13 09:56:52

My child is very fussy. Actually, she isn't. She just doesn't like eating much lol. But my house is minging. This is MN's fault obviously. grin

Completely unscientific point...noticed a couple of posters mention fussy eaters from extremely tidy homes. I have noticed this too, the fussiest children, about everything, e.g. What they'll eat, what they'll play, wear or just generally do...seem to come from surgically clean homes. Is there a link? I'm on DC 3 and my theory still holds true. We are clean and as tidy as is possible to manage with DC 3 at the toddler stage with SN. However, I am very welcoming of friends, provide tasty snacks and other children like our perfectly ordinary house.

Smiling ruefully with the familiarity of it all.

I always had other kids over, remember in half-term hols etc driving past school mum clearly on her way to the gym and feeling a bit envious at her freedom. In the back of MY car would be her kid, my 2, plus extra friend.

When I broke my wrist & couldn't drive for 6 weeks, my DS was not invited out for tea once. Not once. As soon as I could drive again we were back in the old routine of him having friends for tea 1-2 nights per week.

It's just the way it is. Life is not fair. confused

But try to play the glad game.

As some wise peron said upthread, be pleased & congratulate yourself that your kid's friends want to be at your house. I love the fact that DS's mates are often hanging out & feel at home here (they're all 17-18 now). Same for dd's mates when she back from uni. I get to know more about whats going on in their lives and it keeps communication lines open. smile

BarbarianMum Thu 27-Jun-13 09:41:24

Well call me petty but I would be pissed off if my kids never got return invites. It is hard if both parents work full time, or one child minds or if you have another child with special needs -we have friends who fall into all those categories yet they still manage the occasional invitation.

Playing at your friends houses is part of friendship for small children. Luckily round here people seem to get that.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Thu 27-Jun-13 09:31:27

We have already finished school here, Italy.

Every afternoon dd's friend comes round. Every single day. Been like this for 3-4 yrs. Doesn't bother me, I just let them get on with it, chuck a biscuit in the room every so often. What's not to like.

In all those years, dd has been to her friend's house once. On a Sunday. When apparently the mother lay on the sofa watching telly and telling them to shush and they had to play in the living room. Couldn't go into the kid's bedroom.

Dd's best friend at school is similarly odd (or her mother is) They do see each other out of school, but it has to be an organised outing or a playdate presided over by the mother. Dd will be invited, then they will all sit round the kitchen table with the mother making things. And the little brother has to be involved. Dd and her friend are now 9 and frankly like their wee private chats and she just comes back saying "well, that was a waste of an afternoon, me and G never got to talk because her mum was showing us how to make bookmarks or we had to play with M"

Ixia Thu 27-Jun-13 09:25:59

Can't believe how petty people are about this. You invite a child to play as it's something your own child will enjoy, why would there be an expectation for a return invite? It's almost as rude as being cheesed off because you've given someone a gift and not recieved one in return.

I do invite kids round, but I hate it, DD always seems to pick the fussy eaters from immaculate homes. She also behaves badly when she has a guest, but is fab at other's houses.

morganster Wed 26-Jun-13 22:14:00

My dd has three friends. one who's mum is a cminder - so she is never invited there because of numbers. One who's mum is like me - we'd rather go to the park for an hour or two. the other is fully into - come round for tea every week - what does she like/not like? she doesn't like pasta I say. for three weeks in a row she offered her pasta and lo and behold she didn't eat it. the next week - well I don't think she should come for tea any more because she doesn't eat anything. yes she does actually - just not pasta. we are in the world of stuckupedness here tho - it's a minefield in itself.

I had a woman practically hound me for weeks on end because her dc didn't have a friend and mine was friends by chance with the "popular" one. The lengths she would go to were just horrendous. I'd say "no we can't come out today". Then she'd get down on my 4 year old's level and say - but you want to come round and play don't you, isn't mummy mean.

I just think people have difference lives and different needs. Some dc have loads of out of school company, others don't. Some dc's parents are the sociable free house type, others are either busy, stressed or agrophobic.

It's too simplistic to say well i had their's round this week, they should invite mine next week.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 26-Jun-13 22:07:56

BackforGood, OP isn't getting any reciprocal invites! I never said I'd have them over the next day but I would reciprocate, it's hard work sometimes but as I said only fair

BackforGood Wed 26-Jun-13 21:39:53

I wouldn't let my DD go to play at anyone's hues unless I was willing to reciprocate, it's only fair

How sad - so, another child likes your child, but, because of any one of many reasons listed above you can't have people back at the moment, by your logic, you mean your child can't go an play there either ?

As someone said, some people enjoy hosting, others find it stressful. People all have different circumstances. I treat each invitation as it is - an invitation. If my dc wanted to go, they could. IF the parent didn't want them there, then presumably they wouldn't ask them again.

ManifestoMT Wed 26-Jun-13 21:13:38

Tidy mums might not mind but children from tidy homes do notice and comment. This was after I had tidied up .
I do all the tidy children in one huge play. It takes at least 2 or 3 days to sort out the house especially if I have been on a big project and worked all hours for weeks.

I do apologise to all and sundry when I don't reciprocate and I feel guilty I think it also helps if you know the mums better than a nodding aquaintance.

Also usually dd friends tell her to ask me to let them come and play so that usually gives me the impetus to get the black bin bags out and do a sort through all the detritus in the house.

pigletmania Wed 26-Jun-13 20:04:04

No is a whole sentence. They sound like tey are using you op

VonHerrBurton Wed 26-Jun-13 19:38:12

As the parent of an only child, I made a point, very early on in his life, of having anyone and/or everyone he wanted round to play as we were very aware it was our choice to have one child, not his choice to have no siblings!

Any name that was mentioned from nursery onwards wad met with a 'di you want him/her to come round to play?' normally he'd say yes - everyone happy.

I noticed generally the dc with older or multiple siblings were the least likely to invite him back. I guessed it was either a case of 'been there, done playdates' or 'have 3 dc, they'll all want someone back and it will be like Grand Central Station' or simply can't be arsed. That's fine! I'm still happy to have well behaved, polite and quiet kids over, id hate ds to feel lonely and my parents were anal about lots of children in the house, I don't want my house to be like that.

I'm thrilled now ds is nearly 11, they all congregate here. Long may it continue! I heard one boy say, earlier on today actually, "your mums so cool Von, you're dead lucky"

Jinty64 Wed 26-Jun-13 18:32:21

I work full time. Ds3 (6) goes to after school club where he can play with his friends all afternoon. His friends mums will offer to collect him from school and have him to play and I let them know that I can't reciprocate. I do take his friends to soft play at the weekend occasionally but, after working all weekend, I generally like peace and quiet to do my own thing at the weekend. I don't ask for favours with childcare. I book it and pay for it.

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