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to be annoyed dd1 is never invited to peoples houses?

(67 Posts)
muddyprints Wed 26-Jun-13 13:59:43

dd1 is 5, has a nice group of friends at school and likes to see them out of school.
she has invited them all to our house over the past 2 years, some of them have been 5 or 6 times each, they play nicely together and are no trouble so im happy for them to come over, except dd is never invited back to their houses.
she has been to one friends house once when I specifically said can we come over.
dd is quiet and friendly so I don't think there is a personality problem that they don't want her there and they keep sending their dcs to our house so don't mind kids playing together.
people say it would be nice for kids to play together and then ask what do I think, I agree, then they stand there or say cant do it at their house and wait for me to offer.
aibu to ignore hints and suggest we meet at the park?
dd likes them to play so maybe I should just keep inviting and not worry but its getting unfair, im left with the mess, the noise, entertaining dd2 so she doesn't feel left out, cooking dinner for them and dd asks why cant she play at other houses and isn't getting the opportunity to be taken round while young and get confident to go alone.

Crowler Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:07

I find this endlessly irritating.

You'll always find people willing to take advantage of your generosity. It's nice for your daughter to have people over, you just need to think of it as doing something for her and not for these other lazy parents who will never reciprocate.

I'm always shocked by the number of people who will happily let their kids spend the night at my house over and over again and never think to invite my kid back. I make a crazy, unstable, passive-aggressive game of it and think: how many times will I send this mother the same exact text (Hi there, would Charles like to spend the night this Friday?) before it finally dawns on her that perhaps she's heard this all before?

Feelslikea1sttimer Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:09

I can see why you are fed up and I had exactly the same when mine were little but as they have got older our house is always the 1st call for sleepovers as all the kids know they are welcome and quite often on a friday night we have 4 or 5 teenage boys upstairs hanging out... It is always lovely to hear them chatting and I do feel smug when I hear them say they'd rather stay here 'cos so and so's mum is mardy and never lets em do anything'

So the hardwork will hopefully pay off when you DD is older smile

ManifestoMT Wed 26-Jun-13 14:07:30

Do they all work full time.
Is your house pristine.

I am a messy, full time worker of long hours.
I am mortally embarrassed about the state of my house.
I only invite children from equally messy houses.
When I need to arrange for the tidy kids, I make a special effort get the whole family to do a proper tidy.

Other than the above I have no idea why.

RedHelenB Wed 26-Jun-13 14:08:09

Sometimes it just works out that way - bet you dd2 will get invited to other people's houses all the time!

BlahBlahBlahhh Wed 26-Jun-13 14:33:28

Im in the same boat Muddyprints. Want my 2 DS's to be happy and have always said since they first started school, whenever you'd like a friend over for tea, just say and I will arrange it. It's now progressed to sleepovers and days out in half terms (which I foot the bill for). It's not too bad with DS1 as he's 13 now and tends to make his own arrangements but I do sometimes wonder, am I a sucker ? Problem is, if I stopped, Im not sure DS2 would ever be invited anywhere. Feel like Im always the instigator. I do enjoy having kids over though and a full house, just feel a bit used sometimes so I get where you are coming from !

Chumble Wed 26-Jun-13 14:40:08

I can understand why this would annoy you but equally think that you should approach this differently. If you invite another child over to your house for tea/play etc you should not assume it will be reciprocated. Life should not be viewed as a points scoring system . Invite someone over to your house and that is it.

I have done this with both DC and never expect it in return. I don't like to be asked for favours etc but I equally do not expect parents of the children who come to tea to reciprocate. We have people to tea because we would like them to come and that is it! Maybe my view is unusual but it means I am rarely disappointed if the play date is not returned!

morganster Wed 26-Jun-13 14:40:23

I have to confess I don't have friends over very much. Maybe one every couple of weeks or once a month.

I prefer to meet up in the park really and that way nobody has a trashed house.

Of my dd's 4 friends, 3 of them are beautifully behaved at home, but go wild when they go round other people's houses, really pushing the boundaries and showing off. It isn't nice to have them round. It's stressful having to tell them off and keep them in order.

But if mine had been to someone else's house, I'd invite the dc back for sure. But it probably wouldn't be for a month.

TheRealFellatio Wed 26-Jun-13 14:44:47

I agree with Crowler! I have always been happy to have other people's children in my house, but some people hate it, and they just can't be arsed to put themselves out. Not for the sake of their child, and certainly not as any kind of return favour to people who have their children over and over again. I don't know how they can lok themsleves in the eye to be honest.

I've even known some mothers who have asked me to have theirs, when they've been stuck for childcare in the holidays, and still no return invite. And all of my kids have been really well behaved and polite kids to have around (I am always told this, so it must be true!) so it irritates me no bloody end that people can so thoughtless.

Some people are just really, really funny about having anyone in their home who doesn't live there though. confused We have had various adult friends who've been the same though - always delighted to come to every party anyone else throws, but they never invite anyone to theirs.

LilacPeony Wed 26-Jun-13 14:50:14

I've had this a lot, but we don't keep on inviting those kids whose parents' can't be arsed, we just give up on those ones and invite ones who do invite back I'm afraid. i'm naturally pretty messy, but i just have a big clean up before people come, so if i can do it so can other people.

BackforGood Wed 26-Jun-13 14:54:52

I've never had friends over in term time - I work, I have 3dc which both means they don't need others to entertain them, but it also means that I am usually here, there and everywhere taking one of the dc to something they need to be at.
I've always assumed if someone invited one of my dc, it's because they wanted that child to come and play, not that they were setting up some kind of an invitation for their child.
In the holidays, when I've had more time, my dc will osometimes ring someone up, but it's entirely up to them who they ring - I don't count up where they've been and say we "owe" anyone an invitation. But then, nor do I expect any of the other families to invite my dc round, because their child has been here.
Let it go.

Crowler Wed 26-Jun-13 14:56:46

I don't understand the messy house thing. Who cares? Certainly not kids.

I'm a neat freak & sometimes some people will say something like "you must think my house is a mess", which makes me feel like shit, incidentally. People who are compulsively neat are obsessive about their own environments, they don't really care about the state of other people's houses. Just FYI.

On busy work periods we don't have anyone over. There just isn't time.

I've also had some bad experiences where DD's friends and their mothers (when they were younger) just wouldn't go home! think arriving at 10.30 am and not leaving until 4pm. As a consequence I've learnt best go to others homes as this way I have some control over how long the visit is.

Have to say, once every couple of months would be enough for me. However, I have one friend who would have us there every other day and is always asking if we want to come round. We never get the chance to invite her and her DD back because she always beats me to it!

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 26-Jun-13 14:59:00

I wouldn't let my DD go to play at anyone's hues unless I was willing to reciprocate, it's only fair

MaxPepsi Wed 26-Jun-13 15:00:03

The kids obviously feel very welcome at your house. I'd take comfort and pride from that.

I grew up in a large family and there was always some random child at our house, be it one of my friends or one of my 3 brothers friends.But we never seemed to be at others as much, maybe because we weren't invited or probably more because everyone just wanted to be at our house.

My mum's house is STILL like that. Everyone goes there, even the grandchildren have their friends for tea at Nana's rather than their own homes.

Some families are the host, some are the guests. I think it's just one of those things.

muddyprints Wed 26-Jun-13 15:00:41

house isn't perfect and hope nobody thinks their house is too messy for dd1, she just wants to play.
they don't all work.
some have asked me to have their kids for childcare.
dd wants to play at other houses and wants to go alone as her friends now come here alone, except she has never been to their house at all and I have never seen the houses either and im worried that if she is ever asked it will be at an age where they just go alone and il worry about letting her.
I don't expect her to be asked straight back or equal visits, but after 6 visits here id like her to be asked back once. dd only asks someone back every few weeks as we have other stuff to do after school.
strange really but dp and I have found this happens to us too, work friends etc that often visit us at home, never invite us back, infact dp had 1 friend who came over regularly with family and would make any excuse for us not to go there, even when dp started joking that we never saw in his house etc.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 26-Jun-13 15:05:06

We have also had this and it is bloody annoying! With one little girl in particular who is delightful, come to play, on outings and for sleepovers and our Dd has been over to play once in all that time. I agree some parents are lazy.

I study, work from home and two of my kids have SN. So apart from dd's bf (the girls have practically lived at each others houses since they were in playschool) I don't invite many kids round as it's just too much... trying to work/study whilst minimising ds1 and ds2's behaviour and cooking for them, not to mention the clean up that has to be done first so they don't go home and announce how filthy our house is to all and sundry.

Even with dd's bf the girls definitely spend more time at her house than ours, she's much younger than her sibs, they're all grown and left home so her mother finds it easier when she has company, whereas even though the girls are quiet enough it's still an extra body in the chaos of my house.

To be fair though, I don't let ds1 go to many houses as he's too unpredictable and ds2 won't be seperated from me so he doesn't go either... so it's not like I'm shipping them all off and not reciprocating! (well, maybe a a bit with dd but there are a couple of girls who invite her round that I simply cannot tolerate and dd is too pushed about either as they're spoilt little madams so tbh I'm doing it intentionally in the hope their parents will take the hint and leave off with the invites)

Cherriesarelovely Wed 26-Jun-13 15:07:36

I am the least tidy person you can imagine and I work part time but I agree op other kids don't care about that they just want to play. Glad we are not the only ones.

MaxPepsi Wed 26-Jun-13 15:09:43

Muddy your work friends are possibly envious of how easy you find entertaining and would feel under pressure to do as good a job as you.

I absolutely LOVE having people round and will find any excuse to entertain currently trying to think of a valid reason for throwing a huge bbq so I can coerce DH I don't do anything particularly special or anything either but several friends have said they'd love to ask us back but don't feel they can compete with our parties confused

It's not a bloody competition, it's just something I like doing!!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 26-Jun-13 15:10:48

I don't think it's as formal as one day at yours one day at ours but I would expect some reciprocation after 6 or 7 visits.

treas Wed 26-Jun-13 15:16:36

Have the same situation with my dc and they are now 10 and 13.

That said I'm just glad that dc's friends know they are always welcome and at least I get to know what is going on in the world of the near teen.

On of ds's friends says that if he was to run away from home it would be to come to us, to which we always say he's more than welcome at any time but should he run away the first thing we'd do would be phone his mumgrin.

LilacPeony Wed 26-Jun-13 15:18:28

YANBU. Kids enjoy going to other children's houses. It's exciting for them, so much as it's fun for them to have friends over, it's nice for them to occasionally get invited back too!

Crowler Wed 26-Jun-13 15:40:15

^^that's right Lilac, kids really love going to other kids houses - "foreign" toys, etc.

I give working mothers an extremely wide berth (I straddle the two worlds and know how hard it can be), but am inclined towards ruthlessness when it comes to SAHM's who can't be bothered.

YANBU, I used to get this a lot, as the children got older it balanced out more. (I was even mad enough to take 21 children to the cinema once, grin). It will change as they get older, honestly. Still drove me mad at the time, though. wine this might help! wink

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