Ex wants to take DD to Australia

(270 Posts)
skippy84 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:08:47

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

Goldmandra Sun 23-Jun-13 13:26:08

Would you feel better if he waited until she was a year older to take her?

crumblepie Sun 23-Jun-13 13:28:46

i would not trust him to bring her back , do not see a problem with your solution of you going and being in the same country and staying with friends and keeping hold of her passport, hes being awkward i wouldnt trust him at all .

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:46

This is crazy!!

Op has already said she trusts him to return her! He has her alone overnight already and he is an equal parent.....

MrsEdinburgh Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:49

You are being perfectly reasonable and have offered a compromise, which has been rejected.

I would say exactly the same thing if it was your ex posting about you wanting to take DD to Australia.

Stick to your guns & trust your instincts.

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:52

He can't stop you from being in Australia at the same time as he is.

MerryOnMerlot Sun 23-Jun-13 13:32:21

I think YAB a bit U.

Presumably you would expect him to be OK with you taking her overseas for 2 weeks? Don't you think (given the level of contact) she would miss her dad just as much as you are predicting she will miss you?

We took our very active DD (plus older DS) to Australia when she was 3 and the flight was fine - think I was more stir crazy than the kids.

As there will also be other family there and his DSis will have been there for a while so will know local GP etc I think you're overreacting and being a bit insulting of his abilities as a parent tbh.

Dadthelion Sun 23-Jun-13 13:32:48

The OP doesn't say he's been disloyal or untrustworthy.

I don't like my children going away on holiday without me, never have.

But that's my feelings.

I just try to imagine justifying it to them when they're older.

I stopped you from go to America (or wherever) because I'd miss you too much.

I'd sound unreasonable.

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:35:08

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about stopping your child from going on holiday if you aren't happy with it. And they aren't going to sit you down when they're 18 and demand to know why they didn't get to go on a certain holiday when they were 2 are they??

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:37:57

Does that work both ways?

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:38:24

Does what work both ways?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 13:40:48

I think soul was asking does the dad get to veto childhood holidays the OP might like to take their dd on because he would miss her too much?

He isn't an absent dad from what OP has said,he plays an active role in their dds life,see her often.

SerBrienne Sun 23-Jun-13 13:40:49

Maybe he could take her away for a long weekend or even a week this summer, in England, and see how he gets on? Then you can look at the Oz thing in the light of that.

ladylambkin Sun 23-Jun-13 13:41:09

My ex took my 2 children to Florida a year after we split. It hurt like hell but I wouldn't have stood in the way of my childrens quality time with their Dad who loves then as much as I do.

cantreachmytoes Sun 23-Jun-13 13:41:45

I think you've offered a compromise and assuming you'd be funding your ticket, then I can't see why he wouldn't accept a second adult on the plane and at the airports to help!!

I don't think I'd find it easy to be away from my DS for two weeks either, but I'm not sure you really have a choice as long as your concerns are only about being apart for two weeks.

I've done the journey and can say I wouldn't fancy it alone with a toddler who will then be jet-lagged along with me on both ends! Has he done long hauls before? Perhaps remind him it won't be 24ish hours of napping, watching movies and having a drink!

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:43:20

I think both parents should be happy if their joint child is going on holiday. So yes I think it does work both ways.

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:45:35

However, as the children get older I do think the parents should definitely relax about it and not get in the way, but at 2 years old? Come on, the OP has got a point! Just as the little girl's dad would if it was the other way around and the OP wanted to take her.

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:46:26

Ok, so he is likely to veto op taking dd on holiday too.... Even in the uk as it will disrupt 'his' contact time with her as well. Poor child might never have a holiday if he takes that stance

And surely long haul is better now before she is in the education system

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:47:04

She will be over 3 by the time of the flight

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Jun-13 13:48:02

Why give the OP a hard time for her not wanting to be apart from her DD for two weeks? Especially when we're talking the other side of the world.

How many of you would want to be apart from your (very young)children for that length of time (whatever the rights of the other parent)?

I'd hate it.

Pennyacrossthehall Sun 23-Jun-13 13:52:13

I imagine the reason that he is not happy with your suggestion that you come to Australia is that you are essentially saying he is not an adequate parent. He should be equally capable of caring for/looking after his daughter and he probably find it offensive that you are suggesting he can't.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 13:52:21

nanny

It's the reality of being separated (and amicable), what you want does have to be compromised at some point in a way it doesn't when not separated.

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:53:13

I did say further up thread that if the country was closer then I'd find the OP unreasonable. Maybe I should have said that both parents should be happy that they joint child is going on holiday to the other side of the world at the age of 2/3. But "depriving" her child of a holiday so young isn't going to affect her at all.

Maybe he could take her in a few years, when she is older? Maybe then, the OP would be unreasonable. But saying no in this instance is absolutely not going to create any problems between her and her child in the future.

LadyRabbit Sun 23-Jun-13 13:57:50

YANBU OP.

I did the same journey on my own last year when DS was 23 months. It nearly killed me. And we were in business, I am in awe of anyone who does that journey alone upright.
Then the jet lag for a toddler was insane. 2 weeks is not long enough to do that journey, overcome the jet lag and then come all the way back again. It took my DS two weeks to return to his routine when we got home.

You have offered a compromise - ex doesn't want that, just his own way. Stick to your guns, and don't be bullied into something you don't want happening.

Viviennemary Sun 23-Jun-13 14:02:26

YANBU to be very unhappy about this long journey for a two year old. And his sister has only just gone out there. So it's not as if they haven't seen her yet. I agree that it's far far too long a flight for a child of that age, especially for a not very necessary trip.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Sun 23-Jun-13 14:10:02

YANBU to worry about it, no. It is a long way away and she will still be very young, and presumably far more used to you, than to him.

I can't see why on earth he would have a problem with the compromise though.

It sounds to me like maybe he is not as amicable to you as you might think. Why on earth does he not want you flying out there as well? You presumably wouldn't be with him? But you would be considerably nearer if your dd needed you.

If he's not prepared to "let" you do that, then I'd not let him take her tbh, because he's now showing how bloody minded he can clearly be.

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