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Ex wants to take DD to Australia

(270 Posts)
skippy84 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:08:47

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:11:39

We, he is an equal parent here. He has good contact and your post is full of reasons why YOU would suffer

The flight itself? Many kids do it

Hrrrm Sun 23-Jun-13 13:13:23

Well no, it's not like you're saying absolutely not. You've suggested a solution that would make you feel more comfortable and allow him to get exactly what he wants. He is being unreasonable by not wanting you to go to Australia at the same time. I thought that would have been a really good solution.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 23-Jun-13 13:13:32

Whether yabu or not I would be uncomfortable with thattoo since your Dd is so young. The flight, the length of time away and the issue you raise of you being so faraway if needed. Really, really hard.

notapizzaeater Sun 23-Jun-13 13:14:00

So what Doyle think will happen when you want to take dd away for a 2 week holiday ? You could FaceTime with her. Personally I think you are being unfair.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 23-Jun-13 13:14:48

I think the Op is balanced in terms of worries about her Dd and about herself

Solo Sun 23-Jun-13 13:15:34

I don't think you bare being unreasonable at all!
The flight thing wouldn't worry me, my Ds did it at the same age, but I would be more concerned about the child being brought back to me in the UK, but I am a deeply distrusting person over that sort of thing, so I too would be saying no.

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:16:10

What worries are their for dd?

jollygoose Sun 23-Jun-13 13:16:20

I dont agree soul sister, mum is main carer and Australia a very long way. I think its too long to be apart from her mother at that age and would say maybe in a year or two.
Also typical male he has been disloyal and now he is trying to justify his actions by making her seem unreasonable.

Thumbtack Sun 23-Jun-13 13:16:22

No, you have given him an option - going with them and HE has rejected that. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:17:18

I don't you are being unreasonable. If they lived in a closer country, then I would be prepared to say that you are being unreasonable. However, a long flight to Australia is a lot to ask of a 2 year old just for a holiday. Also, your daughter being that far away from you for that amount of time will undoubtedly make both of you feel very uncomfortable.

But then again she needs to be with her dad and see her family on her dad's side. Could they not come over here, and when your daughter is older she can go over to Australia to see them?

Solo Sun 23-Jun-13 13:17:58

My Dd's father wanted me to take her over to the UAE for a 'holiday' so that he could see her, but even that I wouldn't do, because I wouldn't trust him not to disappear with her.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:11

Legit reasons for not agreeing to a dc going abroad with a nrp are things like

There is a real risk they will not return

They cannot adequately care for the child.

But I can understand your concerns re her age,why don't you ask him to wait until she's a bit older

skippy84 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:21

My worries for my daughter are that she would find a flight that long very uncomfortable, that she would be upset to be away from me for that long when previously we have only spent a night or two apart and finally that if she got sick or anything happened that she wouldn't have me there to comfort or look after her.

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:24

She will be over 3 by the time of the flights

And bear in mind he has pr.... He can also refuse to let you take your dd out if the country ( jurisdiction) at any time. Would he do that?

SavoyCabbage Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:37

You know what, I bet it's all pie in the sky. He thinks he's going to do it, but when it comes to the cost and the fligh and the time off work, it will all fall on its arse.

When you emigrate, everybody tells you they will come and see you. But they don't because real life gets in the way.

Goldmandra Sun 23-Jun-13 13:20:57

I would want to know a bit more about why he doesn't want you to go over at the same time. It's not as if you're going to gate-crash their holiday, just share the journey.

You are willing to spend a lot of money in order to accompany them which is a massive compromise.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want her to be that far away for two weeks. You are her main care-giver and she is used to being with you.

Does he have ties here? He isn't planning to stay there with her and his sister is he?

LastTangoInDevonshire Sun 23-Jun-13 13:21:14

"He sees her a couple of nights a week, and in between, and we do things together at the weekends".

Therefore he is as much the caregiver as you are, OP. YABU in not letting him take her on holiday.

Your post is all about YOU and how YOU would feel.

skippy84 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:21:25

To clarify we have a very amicable relationship normally and I genuinely don't think there is a risk of him not returning with her.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 13:21:52

I can see why you're a bit wary but realistically speaking out of the country is out of the country. Doesn't really matter if its Spain or Australia,if there was an emergency then you wouldn't be able to get there quickly.

It's hardly fair to tell him no when it's likely you will want to take her abroad yourself.

If you have a good relationship and there are no genuine concerns he wouldn't come back then you are being unfair. He is an equal parent here is he not?

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:02

Or he could go to court to force you to let this happen.... And from what I know of family courts, he would prob get it

You have t

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:07

x-post!

HeySoulSister Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:41

Oops! You have time between now and then to build up contact in term of length of time apart from you...

needaholidaynow Sun 23-Jun-13 13:23:48

It isn't all about herself at all. The OP has raised her concerns about how her daughter would take to the whole experience.

My DS aged 2 isn't going to Mexico for a holiday with his nanna, because he is the same age as the OP's child. Even if my MIL had have invited him to come along, i would have said no.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Jun-13 13:24:48

No he could take her to court to try and force her.

You don't automatically get what you want just because you take someone to court,it could go both ways.

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