To be pissed off over my birthday

(41 Posts)
Hardhaton Sat 22-Jun-13 19:48:12

After debating my 30th birthday and whether I should have a party, I decided over a month ago we would have a house/garden party starting in the afternoon so kids can be involved 2. (Birthday is in aug).
My friend has got an invite to another party the same day and now my brother has decided they are going on holiday from the 7th until the 16th.
Ok so my mum died 5 years ago, my dad started shagging about 2 weeks after she died so we don't speak and I have nothing to do with my sister after she told me I was being a bitch to have ds4 when she couldn't have 1 full stop.
My mum never saw ds3and ds4, never saw me get married. My brother is my only family.
Aibu to think that he should be there for this?
I never celebrated being 18 as I was heavily pregnant and 21 I was a single mum at home with ds1.

flipchart Mon 24-Jun-13 09:17:59

This is exactly the reason I have spent years investing in having god quality friends, You know the saying , you can choose your friends but not your family.

My family don't see much of each other so I don't rely on them for anything including birthdays, Christmas or anything really.

Sounds like you need to cultivate a good circle round you.

chocoluvva Mon 24-Jun-13 09:10:19

Hardhaton - you've every right to be disappointed. You were looking forward to something and now it's been changed.

But try not to let it spoil your plans. Perhaps you could have another party that your brother can come to at Christmas time or something? Your brother has given you a great excuse to have two parties.

Try to focus on the good things you have, to distract you from your disappointment and you will hopefully then find that you don't mind so much about your 30th celebration not being what you hoped for.

(If it's any consolation - I remember my 30th birthday for being very annoyed with my DH who gave me the same 'amazing' frying pan his mum had recently bought for herself. I really felt like hitting him over the head with it!)

livinginwonderland Mon 24-Jun-13 08:54:07

YABU to expect someone to cancel a holiday for a birthday party. I would rather go away with my DP for a week than spend an afternoon at his sisters house for a party (as an example). Holidays have to be arranged around other colleagues and sometimes you just have to take what you can get.

I very much doubt you would cancel your holiday for his birthday so why should he do the same for yours? Holidays with family > 30th parties.

lollilou Mon 24-Jun-13 08:40:58

Did you say to your brother that this birthday party is important to you? You don't make that clear. My Mum has a habit of going away on my birthday but to be honest I wouldn't invite her to my party anyway lol.
You could move the date if you really want your brother there or just not worry about it and just enjoy your day.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Sun 23-Jun-13 22:47:48

Yeah, still unreasonable though.

Hardhaton Sun 23-Jun-13 22:44:14

^^ is in reply to bridgetbidet

Hardhaton Sun 23-Jun-13 22:42:07

As for this post, why don't you actually read what I have written!
Yes I do know he's potentially off to die ( thanks for the reminder)
I am so proud of him for standing by his country and the people he will be protecting!

Hardhaton Sun 23-Jun-13 22:37:56

And just to add another point brother doesn't speak to his other sister either and nearly speaks to df as well!

Hardhaton Sun 23-Jun-13 22:35:22

Tbh I want nothing to do with my sister! And just to add she cut me out!
My nephew will be going in July to the army, brother after knowing the date for over a month booked the holiday last night. I have said nothing but ok have a good time to him. I'm not kicking off or shouting and screaming about it I'm just hurting.
I don't understand how u can say that I cut people out quick from 1 post.
I put no pressure on him or his family for anything ever!

DoJo Sun 23-Jun-13 11:35:05

I agree that from the very scanty details you have put on here, it sounds as though you are quite quick to cut people out of your life, which must put a lot of pressure on your brother to be everything to you in terms of family. I can understand that it's a bit upsetting to feel as though he isn't there for you on your birthday, but he has a family of his own and needs to do the best by them as a priority over attending your party. I do understand that it might be upsetting, but surely there will be other people there and you could celebrate with your brother at another time. Most people wouldn't expect a 30th birthday party to mean so much to someone so whilst YANBU to be a bit upset, YABU to expect everything to be rearranged around it.

I also think that you need to build a few bridges with other members of your family, if family is that important to you. Your brother cannot always be there and you need to build your own life around other people as well. You have a DH and 4DCs, have a party with them and your friends or change the date. Have a great birthday whatever you do thanks

lollilou Sun 23-Jun-13 10:51:23

Although the comment from your sister was horrible unless there is much more to that story could you think about mending bridges with her? It must be heartbreaking not to be able to have children. Perhaps a milestone birthday would be a good time .

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 23-Jun-13 10:22:59

Your brother is an adult and free to make his own choices. It not his fault you were pregnant at 18 and didnt want a party or that you have fallen out with others.

Adult birthday parties people take or leave, i wouldnt cancel a holiday to attend a birthday party unless it was a pretty special one.

Take control of your own life, either invite lots of friends or go low key and spend it with your husband and children.

Hassled Sun 23-Jun-13 08:23:01

I think the bottom line is that you're feeling a bit alone in the world - still fairly recently bereaved (5 years is nothing) and then you effectively "lost" your Dad and sister. I do understand that feeling of being a bit rootless - it's bloody hard.

But the answer really isn't to place this huge expectation on your brother. He can't carry your load too. Have your party, and have a great time, let your brother have his holiday and then maybe have a look at the Cruse website/think about how you're coping with your losses.

Growlithe Sun 23-Jun-13 08:17:41

It's not your brother's fault you have fallen out with the other members of your family, so be can't be expected to replace them when you feel he needs to, especially as he has his own family.

Families often lose their anchor when the parents die, and siblings are bringing up their own families. You focus shifts from being a child and a sibling to being a spouse of a parent. So his family holiday will be more important to him than your 30th birthday.

Maybe a milestone like this could be a time to have a think about your dad and sister, and the emotional states you were all in at the time you fell out with them. Could it be time to mend a few bridges if you want to have more input from family at events important to you? Your brother might have placed more importance on the event if your dad and sister were also able to attend.

ApocalypseThen Sun 23-Jun-13 07:59:43

C'mon, read between the lines people

OK, reading between the lines, OP, I think you're setting extremely high standards for your friends and family, and being merciless when they fail to meet them.

Maybe let up on them a bit? See if they can compromise for you if you can for them?

TimeofChange Sun 23-Jun-13 07:55:10

Some of these replies are harsh.
The nephew is off to the army in July, the brother and family are going on holiday after that - without the nephew.
Maybe your brother is just thoughtless.

I understand Op distancing herself from her dad.
Ok, he may have dealt with his grief by shagging other woman, but I don't think many of us could sympathise with our Dads' behaving like that.

IME, birthdays, like Christmas are a cause of upset, big birthdays more so.

You must miss your Mum a lot.
Try to concentrate on the positive, your four lovely children and DH.

Best wishes to you and hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 23-Jun-13 07:43:46

So sorry you are having such a hard time. It must be incredibly upsetting feeling isolated like that, missing your mum and being sad that other family members arenot there for you. Yanbu at all. It may well be that your brother doesn't realise how much this means to you but I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Do you have some lovely close friends that can support you?

sweettooth99 Sun 23-Jun-13 07:32:25

What hopasholic said, and maybe taking to your brother about how important he is to you would help?

personally, I really wish people stop would being so harsh on here. The op is clearly grieving for the loss of her parents and sister, and wants a special time to be with her loved ones all together. Not precious. Just painful, I'd have thought. Good luck op, hope you can enjoy your day with people who are able to be there, and try not to be hurt if they can't. [Flowers]

onetiredmummy Sun 23-Jun-13 07:17:23

I was with you in the beginning OP but this:

Ok so my mum died 5 years ago, my dad started shagging about 2 weeks after she died

makes me ragy as people have said the same about my dad but show zero compassion or empathy with his grief & prefer to indulge their own judgy nonsense.

A holiday is more important than an afternoon birthday party for an adult, particularly as son is going into army so his timescales for holidays are constrained.

yabu, move the date of your party if your brother has to be there.

Hissy Sun 23-Jun-13 07:03:06

Maybe your brother doesn't realise how important it is, for you, that he is there, and hasn't twigged it's a 30th, which IS actually a big deal tbh.

Can you move the date so that he can be there? Cam you talk to him and tell him how you're thinking?

chocoluvva Sat 22-Jun-13 23:39:02

Birthdays, like Christmas make you think about family - or your lack of it indeed.

It probably hasn't occurred to your brother that you'd like to make up for not being able to celebrate your 18th and 21st birthdays in style. He probably doesn't realise how important this party is to you.

Could you change the date?

FWIW - lots of people don't consider 30 as being one to make a lot off.

Hopasholic Sat 22-Jun-13 23:27:50

Well I think you're all being a bit harsh sad. OP has had a tough time of it and personally, if one of my siblings had an upcoming 30th, I wouldn't book a holiday if I knew in advance when the party was. I'd want to be there.

C'mon, read between the lines people. 25 is young to lose your mum, and 5 years is still raw in terms of grief. When you celebrate a milestone birthday, it is always tinged with sadness for the people that are no longer with you. Sadly speaking with too much experience here.

Have a glass of wine on me.

And a very happy birthday in advance flowers

acheekyvimto Sat 22-Jun-13 23:10:39

YANBU, I have a summer birthday, most years people are on holiday.

For some reason I had a birthday party similar to what you want for my 30th. Only birthday party I've had. I'm 35 in 3 weeks, no one wanted to join me for a party/night out. I'm going away with my children because they love me and want to celebrate with me.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 22-Jun-13 22:31:12

I'm sorry about your family circs but you have 4 dc and your life ahead of you.

When I was 30 it wasn't a big deal and I spent it in tears because I wasn't married, had no children and my life wasn't as I thought it would be. Had met DH though.

Have a lovely day with your dp and dc and count your blessings

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