Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

(204 Posts)
Souredstones Fri 21-Jun-13 21:53:43

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

TheYamiOfYawn Sat 22-Jun-13 08:03:28

Me, too. I've kept all sorts of confidences from friends. I don't think that my friends would be too impressed if I turned to my DP and told him that I really ought to tell him that X was raped, Y hasn't been able to have pain-free sex since giving birth and is having trouble with her marriage as a result, Z had an abortion and so on.

I have been expected to keep information confidential at work, and as far as I am concerned the same thing applies to confidences told in the context of a close friendship or family relationship.

I find the idea that anyone in a committed relationship is incapable of keeping confidential information to themselves pretty disturbing, actually. Maybe I should ditch all my married friends and only share private information with trustworthy single women. I certainly don't want my friends' husbands knowing about some of the things I've told them.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 08:10:15

And thinking of a friend's confidence as "juicy gossip" is just beyond ick....

Inertia Sat 22-Jun-13 08:21:35

I think it needs to be seen as somebody respecting their friend's need for confidentiality, rather than a husband keeping secrets from his wife. If it was his secret, and he chose to discuss it with her rather than coming to you, that would be a much bigger concern. I'd also start getting annoyed if he was repeatedly being asked to rescue her from any resultant dramas; if they started building secrets around their relationship, or your marriage, then that could signify the start of an affair.

I would be tempted to be ultra- reasonable and unconcerned about your H keeping this confidence, just so he keeps you filled in with the bigger picture. If you think the friend is a threat to your marriage, that's a separate -and bigger - issue.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 08:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fakebook Sat 22-Jun-13 08:28:38

It's not the fact her DH is not telling her a secret, I'm sure my DH has failed to mention his friends problems to me, and me likewise. It's the fact that this woman specifically told him not to tell his wife.

How many of your friends have singled out your partner and said "don't tell him"? If you trust your friend that much it's kind of a given they won't tell anyne at all. The times my friends have told things, they never ask me to not tell my DH. Sometimes I may mention something to him, sometimes I won't.

The woman sounds childish and stupid.

tumbletumble Sat 22-Jun-13 08:29:25

I think she WBU to use the phrase 'please don't tell anyone, not even Sourstones'. To me that sounds deliberately provocative, as if she was imagining the conversation that would take place between you and your DH after he put the phone down and was enjoying the idea of you getting annoyed. Some confidences do need to be kept even from your partner, but this woman sounds like she likes causing trouble.

tumbletumble Sat 22-Jun-13 08:30:12

X post with Fakebook

Roshbegosh Sat 22-Jun-13 08:32:06

You and DH could just agree in future not to keep secrets from each other. He would then have to let his friend know.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 08:32:38

"How many of your friends have singled out your partner and said "don't tell him"?

Well, frankly, I never have before, but after reading this thread I sure as hell will in the future.

imademarion Sat 22-Jun-13 08:33:03

I think 'drama queen' is key.

Not fair to give your DH a role in her little soap that means his loyalties are conflicted.

Real secrets are imparted with absolute discretion and subtlety.

IMO if you trust the recipient with your secret, you do not insult them by naming people who may or may not be privy to it.

Once you've told it, it's no longer a 'secret' but a shared confidence.

And rather sad that this lady has nobody else in the WHOLE WORLD to confide in but somebody else's husband.

Little fishy to me.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 08:37:07

I'm in the keeping confidentiality camp. That bits easy.

I think in this case the ops issues with her dh are clouding her judgement, so she's trying to sway it as a moral standpoint with her dh and the sanctity of marriage. Rather than just accepting that this person is s bit of a twatty drama llama.

If the friend has a genuine confidence she needs to share, the op should respect that and be pleased with her FGS integrity.

If the friends only motivation is to cause disharmony. Than the friends got what she wanted. The op could still respect her dhs integrity, not focus on the secret. But perhaps have a conversation about how this friends dramas are invading the relationship and affecting the op too.

FancyPuffin Sat 22-Jun-13 08:40:55

*I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.*

Why do husbands and wives have to share secrets confused

If it not about you and doesn't impact you in anyway, why would it automatically be your business by virtue of being married?

I'm genuinely baffled by this, I couldn't give a teeny tiny rats arse if someone shared something in confidence with my dh and he didn't then share it with me. Unless it was something like 'PuffinsDH can you hide your penis in me'.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Souredstones Sat 22-Jun-13 09:16:41

Thanks for the comments I thought this would divide opinion.

A few clarifying points about it; I was in the room and caught the end of the conversation, dh scribbled me a note and rolled his eyes saying who it was on the phone.

After the call I asked if she's ok, hope the kids are well and so is her husband etc and that's when dh said that she had told him this, whatever it was, and that she had specifically asked him to keep it 'secret' as no one knows about it other than her and him and he wasn't to tell even me.

It's all drama llama bollocks. It's not the content if the conversation that's bothered me its the manner of the asking to keep it secret that's annoyed me. I respect confidences and expect him to keep a friends confidence without having to be asked. It's the double whammy of him being asked like a child to 'keep a secret' coupled with the keeping a secret from me that's wound me up.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 09:20:25

It sounds like she irritates both of you. Can he not cool the friendship?

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 09:20:54

I would be wound up too. it is like she is creating this deal between the two of them, not on

waikikamookau Sat 22-Jun-13 09:22:41

although when I tell my best friend stuff I hadn't thought aobut whether she tells her dh. otoh, I don't always tell my dh stuff she tells me, but I don't consider them secrets. just not of his interest.
does he normally tell you what she says?
do the pair of you gossip about her?

Souredstones Sat 22-Jun-13 09:24:46

We don't gossip about her but we do keep each other informed about major events in friends and family's lives. With her specifically we mention the new incident (whatever it is at the time) roll our eyes and move on.

I've already cooled the friendship from my side I'm hoping he will start doing likewise. I will bring it up after he finishes work

whois Sat 22-Jun-13 09:25:43

I would be very upset if something I told my friend in confidence was passed onto their DP.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:27:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Samu2 Sat 22-Jun-13 09:37:28

Thurlow..

I don't tell him when my friends are having period/sex problems for example as he won't be interested and that's just gossip, but if someone tells me a secret I might want to talk it through with him as well.

I was once told something by a friend which was heartbreaking, it played on my mind and it was nice to go to my husband and share my feelings with him and talk through how I could help her more. So I can't promise not to tell my husband something, depending on the nature of the secret.

TheSecondComing Sat 22-Jun-13 09:40:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 09:42:17

Samu- you do tell your friend this before they tell you anything, don't you?

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 09:45:00

Sometimes carrying a secret can be a heavy burden. It can make sense to tell your DH. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. And talking about a mutual friend with your DH is hardly gossiping.

Mia4 Sat 22-Jun-13 09:46:18

StealthPolarBear , yes some do because some things in confidence are in confidence. That doesn't change with age, terrible things can still happen to people and they want to share with their friends but only their friends.

My friend confessed to me, after two decades of keeping it quiet, some terrible things that happened to her as a child. I plan to keep these terrible things to the grave, and help her through the counselling.

My DP doesn't ask what her secret is, he knows she's divulged confidence in me and I told him I won't break it, but he trusts me enough to know that i don't take confidences light so (rightly) guesses it' something personal and awful.

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