to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

(502 Posts)
Picoo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:11:57

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

Fefifo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:31:35

I don't know your age but if you're young enough I would let go of the IVF, at least for now and use that money to fund some time at home with your DS. I've been a SAHM whilst broke and whilst not. To be honest I found the former a bit depressing and the latter great. Even with a toddler it can get very boring when you don't have the funds for a trip to the zoo or softplay and coffee with a friend etc. Especially if you don't have many free toddler groups near you, when the weather gets shit and the park's not an option on a very limited budget I found myself crawling the walls when stuck in because everything costs money. I know there are lots of mums happy in those kind of circumstances though but you definitely need to consider if you would be. I wasn't.

OccasionalTherapy Fri 21-Jun-13 20:31:53

Amazinggg I agree, being a SAHM is fantastic, but whilst DH and I had to make sacrifices financially, it wasn't on the level where we couldn't justify spending on essentials such as home insurance. The last thing the OP needs is to give up paid work and then find herself worrying constantly about when the next paycheck was coming.

PurplePidjin Fri 21-Jun-13 20:32:08

We could just about afford for me to stay home. Actually, i was redundant and temping in childcare so it made more sense.

When ds was 5 weeks old, dp had a stroke. He hasn't worked for 6 months. Luckily, he wasn't too badly affected (fucking scary though and the depression is the pits) he's well enough to go back imminently, family have pitched in, and our couple of grand savings have tided us over. It's been fantastic for his bond with ds, he's a truly equal parent.

He's late 40s and his hobby is running marathons. Rarely drinks, never smoked, eats more like 8-a-day than 5.

Moral: always have a rainy day fund in case the worst does happen. If you have to forego buildings/contents insurance and savings to stay at home, it's not worth it. Nor is sacrificing your partner's relationship with your dc as he'll be knackered, stressed and never there. Can you go part time?

Arisbottle Fri 21-Jun-13 20:32:18

Have you spoken to your husband?

Dragonboobs Fri 21-Jun-13 20:34:01

You'd be very hard pressed to get interest only agreed nowadays - have you checked they'll let you?

Also as others have said building insurance is a condition of your mortgage.

megsmouse Fri 21-Jun-13 20:35:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I was a SAHM until I went back to Uni last year. We couldn't afford it either. we had nothing in the bank, no rainy day fund, dead basic life in everyway - couldn't have been happier tbh. But I was bored of accountancy and not really material led - I don't drive, DH has a liking for old (and crap imo) cars and my family live abroad if we want a cheap holiday, I prefer odd nights camping though tbh smile

If you think you can be happy on the bones of your arse - do it! The only reason for anything is happiness, we have been perfectly happy with bugger all but each other. Now they are at school I'm studying again - because I want to, we are used to one low wage now and don't need me to work - lemonade dreamers we are grin

TiredFeet Fri 21-Jun-13 20:37:37

wouldn't working part time, even 1 or 2 days a week, be a good compromise rather than money being that tight?

DogsAreEasierThanChildren Fri 21-Jun-13 20:39:46

YABU - what if your DH gets made redundant? What about any interest he might have in being with his child? You mention casually that he'd have to work longer hours, and with really small children you need to be there regularly for them to feel secure and happy with you.

The starting point is that you have various responsibilities between you - to bring in enough money to keep everything going, to look after your DS and to run the household. How you split those responsibilities is up to you, but you both have to feel comfortable with it.

Have you looked at part-time or flexible working? Why do you have to give up altogether?

blackeyedbees Fri 21-Jun-13 20:40:19

Have you considered registering as a childminder? It's a lot of work and a long process to get your registation but it's worth it. It's not a huge amount of money but it certainly helps, and if your ds is an only child like mine then it can really help with their social skills to have other kids around.

daftdame Fri 21-Jun-13 20:44:11

I think it depends how you organise everything.

For us, me being a SAHM is the most cost effective, for us. Have you got free / very cheap childcare?

We don't. But I wanted to be a SAHM anyway so I am pleased there is no conflict.

We only run one car, which is a saving. Don't go out much, no babysitters...Lunch sometimes during school hours. I prefer this to my working life I'm very bookish so I can indulge my interests grin.

There are ways to economise, plenty of money saving threads. We don't bother about health insurance though, I've always questioned whether it is better than NHS anyway...

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Fri 21-Jun-13 20:45:05

Are you sure there is no middle ground?
Change jobs? Night work?
Reduce your hours?
Some unpaid leave?

I would not be able to sleep if I gave up work without any financial cushion around me and it seems a bit mean to put put your DH in a position where he would have to work longer hours.

Whatever you do I wouldn't stop paying for home insurance sad

arethereanyleftatall Fri 21-Jun-13 20:47:06

To do this, you have detailed your DH gets to have less time with your child, as he needs to work longer. Is he happy with that? If he wants time with your child, it isn't fair.

KD0706 Fri 21-Jun-13 20:49:16

I agree it's a lot to ask of your DH. Working longer hours, being the sole wage earner, living a very basic life with no luxuries. How does he feel about it.
Presumably he won't get to see much of his son, will work all the hours god sends and won't have any excess money for any luxuries he might fancy from time to time. Sounds rubbish to me.

Could you and DH both reduce your hours so you both get to spend time with your son and are not relying on just one wage?

The suggestion unthread about being a childminder might be a good idea? Though I have a notion that there are start up costs - could you afford that?

I am a sahm and I love it but to be honest it wouldn't be nearly so much fun if we had zero extra money to spend. Within reason I can do what I like with the children. Like pp said I would be climbing the walls, especially in winter, of we didn't have the funds to go to zoo, soft play, coffee/lunch with friends. Even a trip to the toy shop to buy a little £5 toy.

Fefifo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:50:03

Actually, I was presuming that your DS is a baby and you're nearing the end of mat leave but given you're going for another attempt at IVF I'm thinking your DS is considerably older? If he's school age then actually I think YABU as you're essentially giving up your security to be with a child who you actually wouldn't be with for a large portion of th day. How old is he?

Chottie Fri 21-Jun-13 20:51:36

Times are so uncertain now, I would not be giving up a job. You will have no financial cushion at all.....

It you do give up your job, could you consider working from home? be a childminder, do pick up and drop offs to local schools, rent a spare bedroom out to foreign students or Mon-Fri people who need a room during the week only.

InsanelyBrainDeprived Fri 21-Jun-13 20:52:28

I'm a sahm, but quite frankly what you are describing sounds unrealistic.

You do need security, be able to afford to fix things ie: boiler breakdown, plumbing emergencys etc.

Also, disposable income. Being a sahm is no fun if you can't take dc places, meet up for a coffee with friends. Even playgroups charge a small amount. What happens when said dc needs new things?

Sounds like there would be a lot of strain on your dh to provide for you all, not to mention the money worries which would put a strain on relationships.

My advice... Look for a part time job.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 21-Jun-13 20:57:03

You mentioned health insurance, are you in the UK?

Some people have hard times thrust upon them you are choosing them. If you are actually risking so much you could lose all your contents in a fire or flood then I don't think it's a good idea. Have you ever lived in really poor circumstances op? I have and it's a misery. After months or years it really grinds you down.

How about working for now, saving as much as possible and then SAHM after dc 2 hopefully comes along. Get yourself a financial cushion so that if your washing machine breaks down you can buy one.

raisah Fri 21-Jun-13 20:57:47

I returned on a p/t basis because we felt it was important tjat both of us were employed in case of redundancy. You haven't got a plan B if your dh was made redundant and in this economic climate you can't afford to not to have a plan b.

Can you try to change your job or go part time so atleast you are in employment but still have more time at home?

BrianTheMole Fri 21-Jun-13 21:01:50

Very unreasonable to do that. Fine to live a frugal life as long as you can still pay the bills. But what you're suggesting sounds crazy, and not in the best interests of your family overall. Sorry.

PearlyWhites Fri 21-Jun-13 21:03:31

Our house insurance cover is only £9 a month could you get a cheaper quote

primallass Fri 21-Jun-13 21:04:31

If I were you I would go for the IVF first as paid mat leave is worth hanging on for.

annielouisa Fri 21-Jun-13 21:08:39

PearlyWhites is that just for contents? I would imagine that with a mortgage the OP needs buildings and contents.

Chunderella Fri 21-Jun-13 21:11:20

It's rather unfair to expect your DH to work very long hours when you could work too, unless he's happy to do that. It's also not very tax efficient for one of your nil rate bands to go unused. So eg 5k from you working part time would mean more money in your family pot than if DH did 5k worth of overtime, iyswim. It makes more financial sense for you to work one day a week than for him to work one more. And I agree with ICantRemember that you should probably look to see if there's a middle ground.

You also need to sit down and do a proper, detailed, realistic budget. Many people are frittering away a certain amount on crap, aren't paying as little as they could for utilities, phones etc and could do the shopping more cheaply. There's probably a bit of money you could save without really even noticing, and then you might also be able to save quite a lot by seriously reducing standard of living eg no holiday, limiting unnecessary travel, giving up meat and alcohol type stuff. Basically work out what if any sacrifices you would be willing to make in order for you to SAH. If you're not willing to live on lentils or DH refuses to give up his posh phone, be clear about it. I realise this assumes a certain amount of disposable income and slack in your existing budget, which may not be the case. But if you're already close enough to the bone that you can't shave anything off the cost of living, you can't afford to SAH.

PosyNarker Fri 21-Jun-13 21:12:02

Wow, you want to be a SAHM, are having IVF and can't afford home insurance? I'm sorry but if you are a home owner in particular giving up home insurance so that you can be a SAHM is pretty irresponsible.

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