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To blame ILs for DS terrible sleeping?!(48 Posts)
Slightly lighthearted but slightly a rant to get off my chest!
So 6mo DS started comfort feeding through the night after being poorly so I had been doing the no cry sleep solution over the last few weeks. Great success when we had managed to get his night wakings to 2 (from 6+) anyways then comes Saturday night and the do we/dont we go out dilemma. DH says its fine my mum and dad will babysit.
We both outline the dos and donts according to what we've been doing for last few weeks, e.g. If he wakes dont turn light on, dont take him downstairs, try not to make too much fuss as he gets very over stimulated quickly an can be wide awake within seconds and then will want to feed.
Anyway get a txt to say he's woken, FIL is trying to settle him and not to worry. So i txt again an hour later and he is still awake, so we come home early.
Pull up outside and can see ALL the lights on, get in and ds is asleep on the sofa, toys next to him where they have obviously tried to play with him to get him to stop crying. I told them to txt if he wouldnt settle and they didnt so i had assumed they had got him back to sleep ok. We were only 5 mins away from home.
I can understand that they were probably nervous and just did what they thought was right at the time but its not the first time they have dismissed doing something a specific way for a reason.
Every night since then ds has been so bad at sleeping and is often wide awake in the middle of the night, something he has never done. He is really hard to get to sleep and wont sleep longer than an hour without waking and needing help to get back off to sleep (something we had managed to curb with sleep training)
I am so exhausted and am starting to lose my patience and then i feel so guilty. Im really struggling. He has only just gone to sleep now and he's been in his crib since 9.15. (Not usually this late)
This could all be due to teething/growth spurt etc but it is just a coincidence that it has been this bad since that night!
Sorry ended up to be all rant im afraid. Feel a little better to have written it all down now though.
Think it will be a long time before i let them babysit again!
Listen get wine and a take away and stay in until he's older.
I think you expect a lot from your 6 month old. Sleep patterns in such young babies change a lot.
You can blame your in laws all you like but it's unreasonable.
They did their best and it's really not likely what they did have upset his sleep patterns because his sleep will change often.
It probably is a coincidence I'd say. And I'd not be blaming the IL who've kindly given you a night off. it's not an exact science. They might sleep through for a while, then it all goes pear shaped a few months later. You really can't be blaming them for this.
Sheer coincidence. He's six months old - that's what babies do.
Your PILs are not responsible for this after one evening's babysitting.
Oh and you're being rather precious there..."before I let them babysit again"
It's not unreasonable to feel put out that your ILs have disregarded your wishes, especially with turning lights on etc which is just counterproductive.
But, if you have a poor sleeper then it might just have to be one of those things you need to accept and find a way for you and your DH to work around. Looking to blame external factors for your DS not sleeping will drive you crazy (I know, took 18 months to get my DD sleeping properly). You have my sympathy, it is really hard when they don't sleep well
He's 6 months old, your pils did what they had to do to settle him.
yabu and should be grateful they babysat for you.
One night out if your routine is unlikely to disrupt his sleep like this.
6 months is very young to expect a baby to follow a regular routine - as others have said things change regularly until they are much older (around 4 in my experience).
Let's hope it's just a phase and he'll sleep well again soon. Sleep deprivation is horrendous (I should know, I've been up since 1am with a crying baby!).
They probably tried your suggestions at first but he wouldn't stop crying so they just did whatever they could to settle him. That was the right thing for them to have done really.
He is just freaked out that he woke and you weren't there. As soon as the trust is back and he has forgotten the trauma he will sleep again. Probably.
I agree yabu. My DS was a rubbish sleeper. On the odd occasion my mum babysat, if often come home to find the lights on and him playing with her. It didn't make any difference to his sleep the next day. (He essentially wanted to comfort feed in his sleep all night and would wouldn't stir provided I was with him and a boob was accessible). Your ILs were being kind and thoughtful and giving you a break by not asking you to come home! They wanted to give you a break. I think you should be appreciative of the fact that they are willing to provide some form of childcare.
Come on ladies we've all been there. When routine and sleep were worth killing for.
I can totally understand why you feel as you do. In these early days, routines and the quest for undisturbed sleep can become all-consuming. You will gain perspective as time goes on and you naturally get a better night's sleep. In the meantime, try to appreciate the good thing your in-laws were trying to do.
If you want to sleep train a baby YOU sleep train a baby.
Or, Be grateful that you get a Sat night off and relax with the sleep training.
choose the last option, much less stressful
I was sympathetic until I read the last sentance about not letting them baby sit again.
Yep I remember wanting routine and thinking it would lead to magic sleep (maybe it does but so does time and it is a little hard to work out which came first...).
But I sympathise with your ILs too. They just wanted to make their much-loved grandson feel safe and comforted and when they couldn't comfort him in the way that works for you (because he ain't stupid - I'll bet he rumbled they were an inferior substitute for you in 5 seconds flat) they tried everything they could think of to make him feel happy again. Because after you and your DH they are the people who love him most in the world and want nothing more than to make him feel safe and happy. You couldn't pay for that.
I must be a bit mad...
I had my first night out last week since 10 months old dd was born. I say night out, I went out at 8 and was home for half ten!!
My dad baby sat, I told him if she woke to do what he thought to try and settle her and if she was upset to bring her down and play with her. He had bought a notebook for me to write down do's and donts !!
I just said do what you think- if she cries stop, if she laughs carry on. If you can't stop her crying within 5-10 minutes just ring me.
I was fully expecting to return home at half ten to a hyper child as my dad is 55 going on 5 but she was asleep.
Apparently she had woke and laid for 45 minutes smiling bemused by my dads puppet show over the side of the cot before deciding he was far too boring and going back to sleep.
It never occurred to me to expect him to stick to a routine. I wouldn't have pressured him like that. He isn't me, he couldn't settle her like I do and she would have been wide awake immediately seeing him there so it seemed pointless to stress the situation any further. I was assuming I would come home and start the bedtime routine again at 11!!
I get why you are frustrated though, DD is ten months old and still wakes at least three times from 7/7 for milk. Sometimes more, rarely less.
Yes it was probably harder for them to settle him in the way you wanted than it is for you as he recognised that it was different people.
I would let them baby sit again. He will get used to them and to you being out.
It's all a slow process. You can't expect your ds to instantly be okay with change.
I feel your pain, honestly, DS was a dreadful sleeper (we're stopping at one...).
But 6 months was a terrible time for sleeping with DS. We'd thought things were getting better and then they suddenly got much worse again. He's pretty reliable now he's 4.
Your parents have not broken your baby. IME, at 6 months, they will no longer settle for just anybody, it has to be their normal carers.
Either leave the nights out until DS is unlikely to wake while you're out, accept that he may be unsettled afterwards, or decide that you're not happy with either of those options and don't bother with evenings out for a while.
FWIW, we found it was much easier all round to leave DS with granny for a couple of hours during the day when he was awake, while we popped out for lunch.
Thanks for putting it all in perspective, i wasnt really blaming them...its just so hard to deal with sleep deprivation that i was looking for a reason and they were the easiest option.
In all fairness to them, they wouldn't mind having him for a whole week and wouldn't care if i wasn't there either. They just love my ds so much!
I think im frustrated as i've got to go back to the beginning with the sleep solution and i feel like im right where i started 2 and half weeks ago. Oh well!
Teaches me for going out for best friends bday!
It's hard when they don't sleep, I didn't mean to be harsh.
But honestly it's a good thing they love him so much.
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