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to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 20-Jun-13 19:07:20

You don't have to pay student loan payments if you're not earning, do you?

The OP has stated that her DH did not know she was only eating one meal a day.

I think some posters are getting slightly hysterical.

holidaysarenice Thu 20-Jun-13 19:08:06

It depends if up to now you have kept 'his' pay, 'your' pay!!

MikeLitoris Thu 20-Jun-13 19:08:22

So did you tell him it wasn't enough food? This guy could be assuming he is buying plenty if you haven't actually told him your not eating properly.

This money he rhinks you should be handing over, where is it going? Into a savings pot or into a personal bank account of his?

I have supported dp through times of unemployment and never asked for a penny back.

Now he is working he contributes to the household ea set amount and treats us to holidays and days out etc.

missmarplestmarymead Thu 20-Jun-13 19:10:50

I think, as others have said, that you must get your name on the house deeds, whether or not he owns it directly or is paying a mortgage. Indeed, if you are paying rent, then get your name on the rental agreement.

Your home is your security and you don't want to feel, especially when you have a baby, that you have no rights over it.

I haven't worked for a very long time and my husband would never, ever refer to money or assets as his and I would feel fairly awful, childlike, if he did.

It might be worth asking him, when you have your name on your home's documentation, why you can't just pool money. Consider his answer and then act upon it.

I do feel for you but now really is the time to get things on a fairer footing because it will be harder to do so with each passing year.

LittleBearPad Thu 20-Jun-13 19:11:34

You really need to not feel guilty about costing him money. That's not what a marriage is about. With mat leave and a baby coming he has to happily support his family, financially and otherwise.

Yes you both may need to save up some money ahead of mat leave to smooth the income drop but that's a conversation you have and both agree to based on what you can afford together. One of you doesn't get to dictate to the other.

On the best reading of this thread he's a fucking idiot who didn't notice you weren't eating much and thought prices were still a 70s levels. This is a very remote possibility. Otherwise he's taking the piss (much more likely). Either way you need to have a good conversation about it all and agree a joint approach that you can both accept.

Mat clothes aren't critical apart from basics, next do decentish jeans and leggings are also useful. H&M is good too. This baby is also his, so he should help you buy clothes to accommodate it.

CinnamonAddict Thu 20-Jun-13 19:11:50

It's not my idea of marriage either.
We have a joint account, all bills are paid out of there, everything. Big spends are discussed. We have had times when I earned nothing due to children, I have just packed in my job and am looking to do something else which might require paid training.

We are partners, we decided to live together, support each other always and would never ever think about adding up what one has cost the other.
Bloody hell I don't get it. Why would you want to be with someone so controlling? He gets 2/3 of your wages and will go off and buy crazy and undiscussed things with it while you struggle?

You did contribute to the mortgage, your name should be on the deeds. If he doesn't want that I would leave. Reading your post has really made me feel rather sad. I hope you get this mess sorted.

Eyesunderarock Thu 20-Jun-13 19:11:58

This is going to be a hugely unpopular view on MN, but here I go...
Perhaps he doesn't mean to appear like a control freak, he's planning ahead, taking the responsibility of the baby seriously. Making sure that there is not another sudden unexpected time when a 6 week gap with insufficient money becomes 6 months or a year.

I'm delighted that he supported your decision to leave, but it must have been a shock to both of you when suddenly you were coping on his salary alone for 6 months, and you responded by keeping costs down and not complaining, or even telling him that you weren't eating properly.
How many of those austerity measures were of your choosing, and how many were imposed intentionally upon you by him?
He seems unaware rather than manipulative, and you will hopefully have a problem-free pregnancy, easy birth and a happy maternity leave. Or you might not.
So starting from as stable a position as possible makes sense to me.
From his logic, he needs to fill the hole in his finances so that if and when he needs to carry all the finances again, he can.
We have a family bank of £10,000. That being the extended family of 23 individuals. It has been used as an emergency loan several times, but it's always paid back into, so the next time someone needs, it's there.

That said, you are both adults. You need to sit down and look at all your finances, see what are essentials, what are useful and important and what are luxuries. Then you cost them out, work out your total income and match the two up. Pool the information, set up a joint account for the essentials on DD and then either have a joint account for the rest or have separate accounts, whatever works for you.
Because if something does go a bit pear-shaped and your maternity leave starts early. or you need to take double the time off you've planned to, you are going to need to find the money from somewhere.
So you both need to talk honestly and clearly about the money.

Or he could be a manipulative dominant abusive shit who intentionally left you short of food and wants to totally own you.
But I felt I needed to put another possibility onto the table.

Hissy Thu 20-Jun-13 19:12:29

How much savings did you have and how much did you spend of it?

What bills are you expected to. Pay your half of?

formica5 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:12:57

Work out how much you bills are, how much pregnancy clothes are, how much you need for food and travel etc, then tell him how much you are willing to put into the pot.

Seeing as the child you are growing is his, the pregnancy clothing should be seen as a shared expense. Also the food.

Waiting lists for training days? What on earth training did you need? It's generally delivered once you're in post and if necessary you are supernumary till fully certified. What is your job? I'm assuming low grade or part time if you're earnings are £1000 a month. Really can't see why they took so long to get you in. I would challenge that with HR tbh. I'm also surprised they haven't lost funding for the post - very few areas in the NHS can be without a postholder for so long when the only hold up is 'admin'. Rather suggests they didn't really need the post filling.

Re your husband 'I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't' - well the affair that you only learnt about whilst you were ttc wouldn't endear him in my eyes certainly.

MikeLitoris Thu 20-Jun-13 19:14:15

 I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't, he just doesn't have the same priorities as me. I do think that his efforts now are to get us into a stable financial position before the baby comes, and not just to fritter away my earnings.

Sounds sensible to me. Op it sounds like you need to grow up and tell him that you are happy to contribute to getting financially stable before baby comes but £250 is not enough.

Sit down and work out together what you need each month to live on and put the rest into clearing the debts.

Is he demanding the money or suggesting it?

LineRunner Thu 20-Jun-13 19:14:29

Eyes, the OP say he'll 'fritter' it away.

I do agree it would be different if it were going into joint savings for baby/family expenses.

formica5 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:15:01

another way of looking at is for you both to put all your money into the shared account and after withdrawing enough for bills/travel, allocate x amount for 'spends'.

Food and maternity clothes are a joint account spend though as they relate to both of you and the baby

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 19:16:04

OP had you considered what the arrangement might be if you were to become permanently out of work- say you became ill or your child required full time care and you chose to stay at home with him/her? would you still feel indebted to your DP or would you consider it a family expense/loss of income?

throughout my parents' 37 year marriage there have been periods when one was earning a lot more than the other, or when one was out of work through illness or through no work being available (dad is in construction). I have no doubt in my mind that if they totted up who had paid more towards the house/childcare etc over that time then one of them would be 'owing' the other quite a bit of cash but as they are a family unit that isn't how they work. they work on a 'we' have to tighten our belts for a bit basis rather than a "husband you owe me 4 grand when you find work again" basis because at the end of it all they have chosen to share their lives- good and bad and support each other. they are each other's other half and there are only two of them to look after each other so that's what they do. they don't keep a tab.

LineRunner Thu 20-Jun-13 19:16:23

Oh I think I have misunderstood.

It was upthread where there was a suggestion of non-frugality though grin

Eyesunderarock Thu 20-Jun-13 19:16:55

She thinks he'll fritter it away, he thinks that she doesn't plan ahead...they need to talk and decide jointly what's what.
One person's frivolous new pair of jeans is another person's 'Look you twerp, my 24" waist is now a 42" waist and I need new trousers'

BarbarianMum Thu 20-Jun-13 19:17:52

I don't think it's 'hysterical' to voice concerns about a relationship where one partner feels they have to drop to one meal per day rather than ask the other for more food.

I mean, food's a pretty basic necessity, isn't it. As is clothing that the OP is now worrying about affording.

izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 19:18:37

I can't keep up with you guys! Uhh, our wages combined after tax should come to just shy of 2k as of next month, when we move our outgoings will decrease significantly, as DH will be able to cycle to work rather than drive 40 mins, and the twice weekly hour-long drive to visit his fam will be cut to 30 mins max. Our energy bills will go down and we might be able to cut down to one car, plus we will be taking on a lodger. Much as I'd like to have my name on the deeds I have a 6 month gap in my earnings and am now on a 0-hours contract, meaning that without 6 months of consistent earnings no mortgage provider would touch me. Because of my earning shortfall our move is going to be more expensive than it has to be in order to legally protect my financial assets that I'm investing in our new home. I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, this whole topic always makes me fuzzy headed and I find it hard to work out what is and isn't relavent to the debate.
I will say however that DH is a good guy and has done a good deal to try and keep us both comfortable on a limited salary with quite high outgoings for a lot lot longer than either of us planned. As someone said above, he's not abusive, I just can't figure out if he has daft ideas about money (I'm the first girlfriend (now wife) he's ever successfully live with, and not because I take a lot of flak either)

LineRunner Thu 20-Jun-13 19:18:49

Eyes I've lost the plot.

I agree that a joint account and a joint agreement on spends is the way to go.

Eyesunderarock Thu 20-Jun-13 19:20:00

'and am now on a 0-hours contract,'

Does that mean that you don't know how much you will be earning every month?

CinnamonAddict Thu 20-Jun-13 19:22:01

You can get your name on the deeds without earning.

What are you investing in the new home?

sweetestcup Thu 20-Jun-13 19:22:49

Sounds like hes really done a number on you OP.

Eyesunderarock Thu 20-Jun-13 19:23:15

It's just how a lot of the people in my family would respond. They'd only feel they'd failed if the house was repossessed or you couldn't heat it enough to keep the baby warm, that sort of thing.
It's why as a family we have the cash stash. My dad was in the position several times of having to do stupid things to provide for me when I was a baby and 50 years later, no one in the clan will be in that position if he has anything to do with it.
It's just that on MN, talk about shared finances always goes very weird.

OrangeJuiceSandwich Thu 20-Jun-13 19:25:17

Dear God, one meal a day to save food?!

That is just not normal for a married couple.

Eyesunderarock Thu 20-Jun-13 19:26:34

How was he supposed to know if she said nothing?

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