to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

sudointellectual Thu 20-Jun-13 18:37:31

Have a read through this, OP: What is financial abuse?

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 18:37:35

and how disgusting that the partner you have chosen to share your life with and be responsible for your child would be happy with you eating one meal a day, while he eats 3.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Jun-13 18:37:38

Is this for real? If so, you are married to a flatmate.

AnyFucker Thu 20-Jun-13 18:39:40

Did you realise you are in abusive relationship ?

Please give women's aid a call and tell them what you have told us

AThingInYourLife Thu 20-Jun-13 18:40:34

He is a controlling prick.

He has "a hole in his finances"?

Once your baby arrives you are going to be fucked if you stay with a man like this.

MerryOnMerlot Thu 20-Jun-13 18:41:03

You're married - both salaries are "our" money.

Nothing else is acceptable imho.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Jun-13 18:43:12

And this is not the way married life is unless you are married to a financially abuse prick.

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 20-Jun-13 18:43:26

I'm not sure I'm reading the same OP as everyone else.

He has covered all household outgoings and given you 150 a month on top? I do think that your wages now need to go 'into the pot' so to speak.

What you should be doing is putting both lots of wages together, paying all bills and essentials, and then splitting what is left between you for clothes and luxuries etc. Does he have £250 (or more?)spare for himself after bills etc?

The only thing I don't get is why you are buying food separately.

bettycocker Thu 20-Jun-13 18:43:57

DP and I have 'his money' and 'her money' too, but as long as we're paying the same in outgoings, it all balances out and we're both happy.

LittleBearPad Thu 20-Jun-13 18:44:27

This is appalling. What is he going to do with the money you must give him?

Marriages are partnerships. Some times he'll support you and other times vice versa. But you don't keep a tab and demand cash once the other earns again.

I cannot believe you only ate one meal a day. Did he know this?

I am just shock

Ok I work in NHS admin. Do you want to explain how it took 6 months for you to get a start date? hmm

littlewhitebag Thu 20-Jun-13 18:44:38

This is one of the saddest posts i have ever read (and there have been many). This is an abusive relationship. he is keeping you in financial hardship to the point you could only eat one meal a day? did he know this? Does he even care?
You are now even more vulnerable as you are pregnant. Please assess your relationship and get advice because this is not normal.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 20-Jun-13 18:45:31

I don't even know where to start with this.

Actually I do - you ate one meal a day? You are married to an utter, utter cunt. I am really sad for you that you are pregnant by him.

Why are you moving to be closer to his work but leave you with a huge commute?

Jesus wept.

BegoniaBampot Thu 20-Jun-13 18:45:51

I don't really inderstand TBH. What's with the one meal thing, I often eat one proper meal a day and have a bowl of cereal or toast/sandwich for breakfast lunch etc. I don't believe you were eating just one meal a day and if so why and did he know this?

Also as regards money - what do you plan to do with your pay check - surely the bulk of t will be going to cover bills and expenses etc. How much does he have to spend on himself after paying everything for months out of his salary? not sure why your husband is getting so much flak here when what you have posted isn't very clear.

LittleBearPad Thu 20-Jun-13 18:46:45

Yoni, if he covered all household bills why was OP only eating once a day to save money? It might just (in a very remote way) be ok if the £150 had been wholly disposable cash for the OP but it clearly wasn't.

izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:47:04

Cheers for the super fast responses guys, let's see if I can answer some of the questions.

Wondering - I never told him I was only eating once a day - because we live in an isolated location and he was doing the food shop I was reliant on what he brought home, and would have to stretch it for a week - it generally worked out to one meal a day and enough for him to have dinner when he got in of an evening.

Chaz - although we have discussed a joint account on numerous occasions in the 2 years we've been together it's never materialised because he's a master procrastinator and we'd both have to be at the bank at the same time. I've always been a firm believer in "our" money over "yours" and "mine", but I've had to be so firm with myself in these past months I fear I'm rather jealous of sharing what I feel I've earned now...

Yoni - the bills and mortgage are in his name and always have been, but I've religiously paid half up until I left my last job. I'm happy to recommence paying half, and maybe a bit extra to try and plug the dent I'm sure I've made in his finances, I'm just smarting at giving him what will be about 70% of my paycheck, especially knowing his history for impulse buying.

Emma - I completely understand what you're saying, it's something I fell into, rather than him enforcing it. So it's not like he made me go without, I didn't raise it because I felt awful that he was having to support me month on month.

Notsuch - see what I've written to Chaz.

Sole - that's a nice way of looking at it, and that's the way I'm really trying to look at it, when we discussed it this evening I was chewing on my lip so as not to cry, as I was so looking forward to buying a pair of jeans that don't put so much pressure on my tum I feel the urge to pee almost constantly. I know I've put him in a bad financial spot and do feel very responsible for our precarious position now, but I don't feel happy about this. That said I've not the faintest idea of a better plan, and we need to do something.

Katie - not that I'm aware of, but if you add up the shortfall in money from me that he was getting (about 500 a month) plus the pin money he was paying me, I suppose I've cost him about 3-4 grand. Which makes me feel awful.

Right hormones are now raging, I'm going to go and have a quiet cry.
Thanks for your input ladies.

HenWithAttitude Thu 20-Jun-13 18:47:10

If he was out of work would he eat one meal a day to survive? How would you financially manage if he wasn't working and what would your expectation be? Use that as your benchmark of what is acceptable

CloudsAndTrees Thu 20-Jun-13 18:47:19

FFS, not every couple that chooses to run their finances against the MN rules is living with financial abuse!

It is perfectly acceptable a coupe to run their separate finances separately!

I wouldn't be handing over the majority of my paycheque, but I don't think there's anything wrong with the DH expecting some of the OPs salary to go into replenishing savings that have been drawn on while she has been out of work. Maybe he's needed to get credit to be able to pay the usual expenses while OP hasn't been working, and if he has, it's only right that she helps clear that.

He doesn't get to dictate how much of the pay cheque she hands over, but I don't think he's an arsehole just because he expects some of it.

claraschu Thu 20-Jun-13 18:48:01

I would never marry someone who didn't see all money as "ours".

valiumredhead Thu 20-Jun-13 18:48:53

Can't relate to the OP at all.you are married, you should share income.

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 20-Jun-13 18:50:09

We do our money I actually could not be doing with that yours and mine not for me. YANBU

expatinscotland Thu 20-Jun-13 18:50:17

You 'cost him'? Your spouse and the parent of your child and you look at it as 'costing him'? WTAF? Do people actually feel this way about their own spouse and the mother/father of their children?

5madthings Thu 20-Jun-13 18:51:25

In the op you say he owns your house but in your update you said you had been paying half the mortgage and bills. Is your name on the mortgage op?

littlewhitebag Thu 20-Jun-13 18:51:41

I think saying you have 'cost' your husband money and him giving 'pin money' is not normal at all. He should be happy to support you rather than feel you have made a 'dent' in his finances. This seems utterly bizarre to me.

SoleSource Thu 20-Jun-13 18:51:51

I feel like crying at this thread. Please I want to send you a huge food parcel x

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