to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

wonderingsoul Thu 20-Jun-13 18:31:44

wow.

ynbu. i find it very odd. id say no, whats your is mine and mine is yours. i will pay bills etc but you are not having most of my money if this is how you see it.

thje fact you ate one meal to keep bills low is beyound discusting tbh.

id be having strong wordsl.

Surely if you are married all money is family money whether or not you have it in a joint account. DH was a SAHD and we don't keep all our money in a joint account but it is still family money. How were you left short of money when your DH was earning?

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 20-Jun-13 18:32:30

So he is paying all the bills and rent etc? And the 250 is just 'spending money' for you? For clothes? If that is correct, then YABVU. If you've been happy with all hiis money being shared, then why can't your money be shared?

Tiredemma Thu 20-Jun-13 18:32:34

I really don't understand the 'mentality' behind this.

I do know that spending the rest of my life with a man who felt it was appropriate for me to eat 1 meal a day in order to save money would be too much for me and i would quite frankly tell him to fuck off.

sorry I can't be any more help

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 20-Jun-13 18:33:21

Why don't you have joint finances?

SoleSource Thu 20-Jun-13 18:33:28

I haven't been married but I guess I wouldn't marry if it was 'his money', 'my money' situation. It is our money and you shouldn't owe your DH anything. The £250 isn't enough as you've stated and you need to tell him this and agree on a bigger budget for yourself. I guess your DH is concerned about your savings as a couple and is trying to be sensible or a control freak but I think you need to have a say too. Communication is key.

He kept a tab?
shock

5madthings Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:00

This sounds utterly crap and controlling tbh.

Do you not have a joint account for the bilks that you can both pay towards and then each keep a portion if your own wage?

Tho tbh we just have a joint account and share money, its all 'ours' there is no mine/his wiurth money.

Sorry but alarm bells are ringing.

cardibach Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:02

YANBU at all. I don't know where to start, really, but your assessment is right. You are a team, he supported you when you couldn't. That's how it is supposed to work. Why were you still paying student loans, though - aren't they dependent on salary?

TheCutOfYourJib Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:34

Bloody hell, I really hope this isn't true. Did he know you were eating one meal a day.
If so he's a heartless bastard and no you shouldn't hand over your wage to him.
Congratulations on your pregnancy just a shame it's to the wrong man.

flossy101 Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:36

So did he get into debt whilst your weren't working and it's to pay this back?

I believe that when you live together and have children any income
Should be family income and not his and hers.

NotYoMomma Thu 20-Jun-13 18:34:40

I think either:

You are being a mug and need to putyour foot down

Or/

Your DH is being controlling

.....

But 20k isnt exactly a high salary so maybe a bit of prudency on both sides prior to baby will be advisable anyway.

---

t your name on the mortgage!

tootdelafruit Thu 20-Jun-13 18:35:05

it's YOUR salary. YOU decide how much if any is fair to pay back to him.

however as you are a family I am of the school of thought that both incomes are family money and you pool finances to cover bills/travel/maternity wear/savings etc.

I think you should both get over "my money" "his money" - by getting a joint account, paying both your paychecks into it and using the account to pay for everything. For me, that is the way married life is. It's our money, our house, our children, our car etc. If there isn't enough money, we're both frugal. If there is enough, we both enjoy it.

But I accept that lots of people manage to share a bed without sharing their money, and I expect they'll be along to advise you!

Although - what are you planning on doing while you're on Mat leave? How much is DH intending to pay you for his share of looking after your joint baby? Which is, after all, an important job which he needs someone to do for him - he can't expect free childcare. If you're going to have split finances, do it properly!

SoleSource Thu 20-Jun-13 18:35:31

I missed the one meal a day. Does he know you did that? That's fucking terrible. Seriously? shock

Silverfoxballs Thu 20-Jun-13 18:35:43

He treats you like dirt and is very controlling with money, you have limited your eating because you have been trying to keep him happy. That literally wants to make me cry.

Other posters with good advice will come along but I seriously worry about if his behaviour will become worse once the baby comes. You sound so vulnerable op and I'm very worried about your situation. Have you discussed this with any friends in RL?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 20-Jun-13 18:35:46

Yanbu your dh is being an arse

BarbarianMum Thu 20-Jun-13 18:35:57

I think if you felt you have 'to keep costs down' to the point of only eating 1 meal per day just because you are not earning, you have seriously f**ked up ideas about how marriage works.

Have you thought about how your finances are going to work when you have children? Are you gong to bill him for 12 hours childcare per day (his half)?

surely all the money belongs to both of you? Do you not have a joint account? I dont work but me and dh have a joint account so if we need anything I buy it using my card on the account. He has never regarded it as just 'his' money even when I felt funny about spending it (have got over that now!) and sees it as family money.

I think you need a discussion about your joint finances although my gut reaction would be to tell him to fuck off!!

sudointellectual Thu 20-Jun-13 18:36:19

I cannot believe your husband let you go hungry and is now charging you...I'm sorry, but I think he is financially abusing you and you need a serious wakeup call.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Thu 20-Jun-13 18:36:28

How much of "his" money did you actually borrow? I would say from your post £150 a month x 6 months is £900. Is that the amount he is asking you to pay?
If he is wanting you to pay for food he is being petty and mean (especially as you are eating to grow his baby too!).
And we have my money and DH money - and I supported him through his job loss, I never begrudged him eating, nor did I ask for that money back!

LIZS Thu 20-Jun-13 18:36:46

Sorry I don't get it . Is he saying set aside all but £250 to cover your loss of income during ml or that you "owe" him ? Work out your own costs including commute , budget for lunch and clothing (most maternity clothing isn't strictly necessary and you can get basics in places like H and M etc and put the remainder into a joint account. Likewise ask him to do same.

5madthings Thu 20-Jun-13 18:37:23

Figs yoniread it the £250 she has leftover after he 'takes' most of her wage STILL has to cover her bills and commute and food etc.

Seriously op this is odd imo, you are having his baby ffs.

DH and I have 'his money' and 'my money'

however, he pays all the bills, and i buy the groceries and clothe the kids, put petrol in the car...etc... it works for us... and if one of us is short then the other will help out.

however, if you can't agree a working arrangement then you need to pool your money into one account.

Quite frankly, i would tell your DH to fuck off!

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