to judge these dads

(31 Posts)
PicaK Thu 20-Jun-13 08:30:18

On holiday this week and beginning to think that some dads just aren't used to their own children.

In the playground, kids playing, squealing totally normal happy kids sounds. Look up to see dad with his hand over his 9 yo DD's mouth. Went to go over thinking she'd banged her lip and he was staunching the flow of blood...then realise he's shouting 'stop making noise' he let go a bit and she screamed (wouldn't you?!)

Thenhe put his hand back over her mouth and nose and dragged her backwards 4m to the steps shouting "she needs to be punished" to his wife. Still upset that we didn't intervene but open mouthed with shock. Abusive twat.

Next day, kids mini sports lesson. Little girl (3 or 4) looking nervous wanting to hold her dad's hand. He got really angry, starts shouting that she has to join in, she gets more upset but he keeps roughly putting her in the group and backing off and she runs after him. Continues like this for the lesson

Just wondered what happened to patience and giving your kids reassurance!.

Dahlen Fri 21-Jun-13 10:42:26

lijkk - precisely. I don't mean for one minute that there is something innate to women that makes them better parents. That why I used the word socialised. We live in a society where even as young children girls are encouraged to express their maternal instincts while boys are encouraged to build things, for example. A society where it remains the norm that mothers are primary carers. Few women reach the age where they have children of their own without having acquired some knowledge about babies and children, because if thy have female relatives and friends who have had children they will be used to being around children. The same is not so true for men, who still tend to socialise with other men without children being around.

Until fathers take a more active role in parenting - starting with decent paternity leave - I don't see it changing much.

lljkk Fri 21-Jun-13 07:35:05

socialised parenting skills that women acquire much more easily.

Really? How much more easily and why?

What percentage of men in this country grow up with No Father figure in their lives? A lot higher than those who grow up with no mother figure. DH had two father figures, neither of them any good at it (one violent the other clueless & inflexible). He's had no good role model of how to be a dad.

ApocalypseThen Fri 21-Jun-13 06:59:11

I think the reason mums acquire parenting skills more quickly is that society expects more of women's parenting. Pers

Some dads aren't used to their chilren.

Fine. Nor are some mums.

The only legitimate point the OP can make is hardly worth discussing.

xabiuol Fri 21-Jun-13 00:18:52

xabiol you only caught a snapshot though. You don't know what the child did wrong

I agree, written down it doesn't sound that bad. It was pretty nasty though. Whatever child had done the punishment was OTT. I'm not one to pay much attention to how people discipline their children but bullying is bullying regardless of what a child has done wrong. Freezing cold rain until 3 year old apologizes = not appropriate punishment IMO.

Trapper Thu 20-Jun-13 20:18:01

Hemlet - you are right, it is a silly argument. It is a common one on mumsnet and I was lazy for for using it. Conversation usually goes like this:
X: AIBU to hate sitting on this chair
Y: You are being unfair to chairs.
X: No I'm not
Y: You are - would it be acceptable to say you were sitting on a black person? or a disabled person?
X: My goodness, you're right!

SonOfAradia Thu 20-Jun-13 12:12:29

As a dad my self, I have no problem with the OP - I took it to mean those dads in particular, not dads in general.

This bit though:

socialised parenting skills that women acquire much more easily.

Really? How much more easily and why?

PicaK Thu 20-Jun-13 11:59:06

Ok you've made me think. I did use the term "these dads" cos that's what they were. But on reflection "parents" would have been a better word i agree.

I'm definitely not talking about all dads - just these two. The second one not so bad - i badly wanted to say 'look see my kid there sat with the others joining in. Or "behaving" as you see it. Well he's only there cos yesterday we did a bows & arrows class and he sat on DH's lap the whole time whilst DH gamely shot arrows at the target. shouting at someone to enjoy themselves is not the way to go.

SplitHeadGirl Thu 20-Jun-13 10:49:33

Any money the people slating the OP for saying dads would say NOTHING if the post was about mums. I can't understand why some women insist on holding men up as some kind of protected species. The OP said dads because that is who they are....DADS!!

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Thu 20-Jun-13 10:47:52

It does tend to be dads that are not around their children as much, isn't that a fact or am I being dadist

Im baffled as to which word would have been acceptable to describe these people?

Hemlet Thu 20-Jun-13 10:39:00

Ffs I cannot stand that shitty argument 'Oh so if you describe them as being dads/mums/children you must be Ok to describe people as racial name/spasticated/some other derogatory term.'

They were described as dads because they were dads with their kids and in the capacity of being dads.

If she'd described them as men or dads or humans you'd have found some way to have a go because some people have nothing better to do.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Thu 20-Jun-13 10:33:23

Sometimes when one parent be it mum or dad is not around the kids as much they do sometimes seem to lack patience/understanding, no excuse thoug.

Dahlen Thu 20-Jun-13 10:32:45

I think the fact that they are dads is very pertinent, and the OP's first line alludes to that.

More fathers than ever are actively involved in their DC's lives now and that's great. But it remains very much a truism that most children spend most of their time with their mothers.

The question then becomes whether the behaviour of these particular fathers is because they are abusive personalities, or if it's because they do not have the socialised parenting skills that women acquire much more easily.

Dancergirl Thu 20-Jun-13 10:29:28

xabiol you only caught a snapshot though. You don't know what the child did wrong.

We've all read posts on here asking if a particular punishment was too harsh. More often than not, the resounding answer is no. Sometimes if your child does wrong you DO have to be harsh.

FreudiansSlipper Thu 20-Jun-13 10:19:17

how horrible sad

some people are just horrible and sadly they get to be a parent lets hope this was a one off

and ffs those defending the men, she is not saying all men and how many threads are on here abut seeing a mother being horrible. do you jump on this too and say well some dads can be horrible. doubt it hmm

digerd Thu 20-Jun-13 10:12:47

My eyes are filling up with tears for those little ones sad.

Actually, rereading what the OP said I agree with Trapper now.

Disregard my previous post. grin

Boomba Thu 20-Jun-13 10:11:27

its relevant trapper in that she is talking about them in their capacity as dads

Its not that being male is relevant; it is relevant that they are parents. And the English noun for male parents is 'dads'

You're deliberately twisting what she's saying Trapper. She's not singling them out because they're men, she's pointing out two situations she witnessed were men were acting inappropriately.

SybilRamkin Thu 20-Jun-13 10:02:56

YANBU - this makes me really cross too!

Trapper Thu 20-Jun-13 09:55:32

Cfc, if they had been singled out as black, Jewish or disabled, would this have been acceptable too? No, because it is irrelevant - in the same way that them being male is irrelevant. This would have been just as unacceptable if it were a mother/woman.

xabiuol Thu 20-Jun-13 09:19:33

Trapper's got a point though. Mother's can be equally hideous. Once when I was waiting for a table outside Wagamama I witnessed a mother with her very young child standing in the cold and rain saying to the child over and over again "apologise to mummy" child wouldn't say sorry but was really crying and mother kept saying "we're not moving until you apologise to mummy".

Controlling bitch. She was stood there for all of 10 minutes with her child in the rain with him crying. Worst is I didn't go up to her and say anything and neither did anyone else. Afterwards I really wished I had. It has always stuck in my mind that I should have.

DeskPlanner Thu 20-Jun-13 09:10:34

Oh, and YANBU op.

DeskPlanner Thu 20-Jun-13 09:09:22

Trapper, she wasn't singling out dads. She was describing them as dads, because they are. hmm

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