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To find my MIL aggravating....

(53 Posts)
allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 12:57:27

She's just contacted my dp to remind him to speak to his dad today, he's in his 30's fgs! It's just the tip of things that rattle my cage. Last time I saw her at a family event, she managed to chastise me for leaving food in front of everyone! Think she struggles to see us as our own people, even though we own a property and both work full time. I dread meeting with her now, as there's always a scathing undertone. Even though I have been with dp 5 years she's never once asked me a question about my life or family. I am a prolific question asker, it's so awkward being asked nothing back!

Hugglepuff Sun 16-Jun-13 19:00:41

I'm not particularly close to my MIL - but I do think that is as much to do with my attitude as to do with hers ! BUT she is a brilliant Mum and Grandmother - so I respect her for that ..... Even if we annoy the pants off each other !

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 17:05:08

I think that my MIL is quite "possessive".

She'll often talk about before I knew him or people he knows but I don't.

Ridiculous really.

He loves us both, there's room for us both as we each have a differnt relationship with him.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 17:04:29

Red. She's not old enough to remember rationing but for sure she uses bossiness and reminder texts for her to communicate with her son. My own mother has suggested she doesn't have social skills to communicate with me properly....however she's got some nice friends and seems to get on with them well. I have actually met these people and they are nice. Had some good times with them (at events). They are very welcome at our "wedding". She is a bit bossy with them but they seem to handle it. For example when she said dp was looking thin. I said he's in great shape and eats loads actually. The she looked a bit cross and said I wish I could lose weight (as she tucked into her pudding and 3rd glass of wine) to which her very nice friend said, oh but we don't move hardly do we?! That's why we struggle! She just laughed. Now if I'd said that it would obviously be a different story.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 16:57:10

Thanks ladies. Well dp mentioned other gf's found her a little abrasive. Which is a new revelation. He was always a bit quiet about the topic before. He has stood up for me re washing up and the looking thin thing! He told her to leave it. He could be more assertive I think, but I don't want them to have a damaged relationship as I think she could go bonkers at any time.

She does talk to my dp in a bossy way but he's used to it and feels like it is normal. It's taken him a while to be confident on his own. Just before we met he was actually getting ready to buy a flat in the home town. Then he met me and I lived about an hour and a half away. 3 years later and we bought in my area as it was a better commute for work and value for money.

She now always mentions how we could have had a nice flat near her with more countryside etc. I asked dp if she thought it was a given he was going to buy near her. He said yes so I suppose she feels like I have stolen him. Every time we see pils in their town she goes on about it's merits. I personally think it's a dull place to live and wouldn't suit us. I tell her about our great commute and she starts spluttering with barely concealed rage.

I think next time I will say, did you mean to be rude or did it just come out that way?

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 16:09:35

Thinking on-does she criticise you in front of your partner?

If so, what does he do/say?

I know mine wouldn't stand for it.

redexpat Sun 16-Jun-13 16:02:19

I think the food thing maybe generational. How old is she? Can she remember rationing? It was going strong into the 50s. Or jst harder times.

I'm trying to seperate out the issues here.
She infantalises your DH (could ust be an excuse to talk to him).
She doesn't engage with you (possibly doesnt know how to).
She comments on things which you find to be rude.

I think you feel excluded because her behaviour and norms are different to yours, but unless you say to her 'actually MIL I find it rather rude when you say xyz so I'd rather you refrained in future' then she doesn't know, and will continue to do all of these things. If she doesn't know, she wont know to change.

Also after 5 years habits have developed which are sometimes hard to change.

Maybe she thinks you talk too much? Not saying that you do, but she might. Is there a generational dont speak until you're spoken to rule? Yes after 5 years she should have accepted you but if everyone around her was accapted only through marriage, then she'll think that that is the way to do things.

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 15:57:53

Is it what passes as conversation for her?

How did she treat previous girlfrinds?

Does she talk to her son in the same way at all?

How often do you see her?

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 15:48:27

Not told off, but like why did you go out! I just don't know how to handle her. As one minute you think you're doing fine and the next she's telling me off re washing up, leaving food (different time) and giving my fil looks with her eyes directed at me, as if I can't see! I'm always blindsided by it as I go in with a pleasant attitude.

We are planning on getting married. Being attached to her scares the life out of me. I suppose there's a few on us disgruntled dil's out there. I am looking forward to her meeting my own mother though, she'll make sure there's no nonsense from her at the "wedding"...

MorganMummy Sun 16-Jun-13 15:32:31

Hey, you've stolen my MiL!

(You can keep her) grin

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 15:32:01

My husband wouldn't be happy with me going out-but only because he'd be left alone with her-he finds her as difficult as I do!

Not fair of your OH to criticise imo.

Dogs need walking-and they could have joined you!

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 15:28:53

She does sound rude btw, though.

Has your husband told her that he doesn't need reminders?

My MIL always phones on a particular evening at a particular time.

When I answer, I can hear the panic-as if it's a complete surprise that I should answer the phone!

She really is the only person that I find difficult to get on with so I don't take it personally.

It's a shame she happens to be the mother of the man I married, but there you go!

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 15:26:58

Diddl I would be ok with that too actually, preferable for sure. If I tell her to stop cleaning my kitchen and put her feet up she gets irritated (that's the honest truth). I also got told off by dp for not talking to her much once and going out with our dog! As I was so fed up. She also mentioned to him that I hadn't spoken to her that time. I can't win.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 15:22:18

Oh custardo, I get asked why dp is looking thin as if it is my job to feed him like a baby bird. When in reality he's just not looking as big because we eat healthier than the foods he ate when he was living at home. We also like to do exercise which she doesn't.

I'm in constant awe of her comments about my leaving washing up on the side (dp can wash up too) to do in the morning. When I was brought up not to criticise someone and their home/habits. I can't bring myself to comment on her to her as it's not right in my book. Which is why I'm here grin

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 15:18:37

Ah, well, when I see people of my choosing who I like & get on with then it's chatter nineteen to the dozen from the beginning to the end of the evening.

MIL does not fit into this.

She has no social skills.

If I try to draw her out it becomes more & more awkward tbh.

Best all round is when she witters on to my husband whilst I read the paper.

Works for us!

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 15:14:14

That's an eye opener! When I have people round I sort of assume that we might have tea and catch up as a rule! What I should do is plonk them in the living room and ignore them for a few hours. Although that might be a tad tricky as she usually likes to re clean my kitchen and rearrange the utensils.

Answering isn't enough because I am a future permanent fixture in that family's life and it's normal to at least feign a little courtesy and not be outright rude. Ask yourself if you had a DIL wouldn't you want to know a little bit about her?

I think iabu to think she is a bit aggravating! She is a lot aggravating! I've just asked dp what he makes of the reminder text, he agreed to it's condescension.

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 14:45:49

OK, so she answers-why isn't that enough?

I do find people that think all visiting time must be filled with conversation hard work tbh.

I'm more than happy to say nothing to my MIL once pleasntries are out of the way.

We have no interest in each other.

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 14:45:14

ps. i'm not reminding him either. I will get the pointed look when my MIL says that FIL didn't get a card. I will just say it's DH's job, after all i had my own father

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 14:44:09

i'm married to a grown man, who will not contact his father today, despite being given cards by the kids becuase he is a fuckwit with life details.

maybe your mil knows your dh to be a fuckwit with life details

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 14:41:40

You sound like hard work to me to be honest.

The sort of person who twists any comment into being a directly personal insult. Perhaps that is why your partners mother doesnt say much to you.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 14:40:40

She does answer diddl. She justs asks nothing back, not even how are you?! So I'll just visit/have them visit and be mute. How do you think human beings have a conversation if you don't back and forward a question, for a short while. I can only assume a few of you more spiky posters are mils.

diddl Germany Sun 16-Jun-13 14:36:11

I think by not answering she's giving you the hint to shut up!

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 14:31:41

Her own confidence issues could certainly be a thing Amiga.

allthatglittersisnotgold Sun 16-Jun-13 14:30:52

I would probably tell you to keep you opinions to yourself in that case squeaky! Particularly if you'd said it in front of an audience. It's highly rude to comment on other people's eating.

I would love to tell her that perhaps if she lay off the white wine and spuds she might lose some of the weight she moans about not being able to lose! Perhaps she should leave some of her dinner and not trough it all like we're off to war! smile

amigababy Sun 16-Jun-13 14:30:28

I have. a friend who asks loads of questions. After a while I start to feel like she's a journalist. She's a good friend so I cope.

I on the other hand struggle dreadfully with conversation, I am. very shy which can look stand offish. I don't ask enough questions as I worry I might insult, offend or stray into sensitive territory. Just a fear of saying the wrong thing. Maybe she's like that and has a fear of being intrusive, or feels awkward

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 14:17:27

Well if I was out with someone and they left a lot of their meal (you havent said if it was a lot or not), I might make a comment to you about it being a waste of food. That would be my opinion, unless the portion size was exceptionally large, or you asked to take the rest home with you.

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