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To be disappointed that my sister is pregnant too

(188 Posts)
itsmyturnnow Sat 15-Jun-13 20:39:17

I'm pregnant with my first child, and announced it a couple of weeks ago. V. v. excited. My sister has just announced that she is pregnant with her third.

She's had a lot of attention - she had the first grandchild - a girl, then she had a lot of problems trying for her second - a boy (so the family now has one of each gender) and I was really there for her and supportive through it all and delighted for her, and I LOVE my niece and nevvy, but now I feel like this is meant to by MY time and she's pregnant again.

I must admit my heart sank when she announced her news, and I don't feel good about that, but it's just the truth. She's a very bubbly, centre of attention kind of person so we were both at mum's last night and all the chat was on her, her symptoms, what names go with her existing dcs and the only thing they really said about me was that I'm lucky as I'm not really suffering many symptoms except tiredness so far whereas she's got everything in the book.

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? sad

pandaptogether Mon 17-Jun-13 13:22:59

My sister and i have been pregnant twice at the same time. Our children are really close and it makes it easier to arrange stuff to do together. yabu

somanystripes Mon 17-Jun-13 11:38:39

YABU. But, your feelings are understandable!

I had problems conceiving and I remember bursting into tears any time anyone announced their pregnancies as I felt it was 'my turn'. Now I have DD I'm blush when I think of that reaction, but it was very real at the time. I think you may end up looking back on your feelings about your DSIS in the same way once your babies arrive.

I think I might be the one in the family in your sister's role though, reflecting on it! Once I did conceive I had a worrying pregnancy, a difficult birth and DD had health problems for the first few months and I was almost out of my mind with worry. I'm pretty sure I sucked up all my mum's attention and emotional energy through the years of TTC, pregnancy and then worry about DD. My DB would almost certainly have said I was the most annoying, attention seeking drama queen on earth. In my mind though I was going through very justifiable worries, and I didn't have any control over my mum's reaction (honestly, I'd have preferred she'd worried LESS as me worrying about HER worrying and anxiety was just another stress...) I certainly never consciously sought attention, and I doubt your DSIS does it deliberately either. She's probably naturally an anxious person and her problems are real to her if not to you. Your mum probably feels she is less able to cope and you are the 'stronger' one, hence the feeling that she's being favoured with time before and after the babies are born.

What's really sad for me is DB never said anything about how the lack of attention made him feel. He now no longer speaks to me, and there's seemingly nothing I can do. If I were you I might not say anything to DSIS but I might ask DM if you can have some private time with her to go and look for baby stuff etc. so you get a bit of attention on your own. It would be a shame if you felt so 'second class' in the family that it drove a permanent wedge between you.

Oh, and there is NO WAY I'd want anyone staying for a month when I'd just given birth. It really gets in the way of family bonding. You might find you're desperate for her to leave after two days (or your DH will be anyway...)

MaryKatharine Mon 17-Jun-13 11:30:01

Totally agree, northernlurker!
The idea of pregnancy being about family fussing over you is strange. Also, my comments were as much if not more at the poster who complained that her SIL could have waited 6 more months so as not to be pg at the same time. I mean really? Really??? And to be annoyed that it took you years and fertility treatment and your SIL caught straight away is just bizarre. I mean if it was me I might be slightly envious that it happened so easily for them but that would be eclipsed by a) my joy for them and b) feeling glad for them that they didn't need to endure what I had gone through.

CuppaSarah Mon 17-Jun-13 10:40:40

This happened with me and my SIL. I was quite put out. Still have to stop my competitive side from time to time. But even thouhg you feel like she's stealing your little bit of thunder, she really really isn't. Everyone will celebrate your wonderfull little treasure just as much I promise. Imagine how amazing it will be for your little one to have a cousin that's the same age?

Just keep in mind any compliments she gets on her pregnancy/baby/anything does not take away from yours at all.

lottieandmia Mon 17-Jun-13 09:47:39

I think that this is not about you both being pregnant but the dynamics of your relationship as you feel that your sister has always got more attention than you. So you are not unreasonable to feel upset that you seem to have been left in the shade again.

But try to focus on the fact that your babies will be close while they grow up (hopefully).

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 09:47:17

Sorry, your sister on her first.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 09:40:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Blimey, am shocked how people think things are such a competition.

And how people expect some sort of adulation when they are pregnant.

I expect to be treated with the same amount of respect and love by everyone when I am pregnant as when I am not, other than DH who needs to cosset me and be there for my every whim!

It's not a competition, every child is special and it means nothing as to who did what first!

I can honestly say I never expected my family to give me 'special' attention because I was pregnant. It's a means to an end isn't it? Not an end in itself.

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 01:30:33

must add, but if the situation makes OP unhappy I can understand her!

amazingmumof6 Mon 17-Jun-13 01:28:16

my DH is one of 4 brothers.

my PILS have 24 grandchildren.

DS1 was born 10 days before SIL 1's 4th.
our babies were the only two out of all the cousins who were Baptised on the same day. it was an amazing day.
SIL 2 had her 4th 5 months later.

DS2 was born - SIL 2 had her 5th 5 months later.

SIL 3 had her DD1 only 4 months before our DS4 was born, and if the same year SIL 1 had her 5th.

SIL 2 had DC 7 and SIL3 had her DD2 not long before my MC

SIL 2's 8th, our 5th and SIL 3's 3rd were all born in the same year.

and the moral of the story is - we are not jealous or resentful of each other because we all shag a lot!grin

WafflyVersatile Mon 17-Jun-13 01:10:40

decaff and many others. It's not that her sister is pregnant it's that it coincides with her first pregnancy because her sister tends to demand and get more attention than her and this is a time she was looking forward to a bit of special attention coming her way from her family.

Can't believe so many people on this thread can't muster a tiny bit of comprehension of others' emotions.

When people are ttc I'm sure part of that is hoping your family and loved ones will share your excitement. It can't be so incomprehensible that it can be a bit disappointing when those hopes are confounded and you feel a bit sidelined over one of the most massive things you can have happen in your life.

Sparklyboots Mon 17-Jun-13 01:00:22

Lols. One of the things having your first child teaches you is that the pregnancy wasn't ever about you, you are the support act in someone else's story. If looking at your child doesn't make you realise that, then your whole family happily oblige by treating you like you are some sort of elaborate baby stand, whose sole purpose is to produce said baby, fed, well-rested and recently changed, for everyone else to have a turn of, until such a time as they are bored or the baby needs resettling/ feeding/ changing.

Congratulations, darling. When your baby comes, you'll not be interested in this any more. Don't let old stories and roles spoil this magical time for you. My family still pull the same old shite that used to send me up the wall. But as I've a family of my own now, I couldn't give a fuck. Leave them to it and enjoy your new adventures in family to come.

GibberTheMonkey Mon 17-Jun-13 00:49:49

Once again I find myself thankful for my birth family and my family by marriage.

decaffwithcream Mon 17-Jun-13 00:19:52

Um wow that's a whole lot of assumptions there AThing.

OP posts that she loves her sister but is disappointed and sad that her sister is pregnant. She gives no indication that her sister may not have wanted the pregnancy so it appears to be a happy event in her sisters life.

Many many people feel that one or more of their siblings are more preferred by their parents than them. Some people are probably completely accurate when they feel that too.

I do not see how it follows to feel disappointed that something good and wanted has happened for her sister. She is very excited about her own pregnancy, why be disappointed about her sisters.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 00:17:01

It sounds to me that she wanted to be understood about feelings she already feels bad for feeling.

Sibling rivalry causes a lot of people a lot of real pain.

Lazyjaney Mon 17-Jun-13 00:13:50

I can see the OP's pov, and her sister sounds like a bit of a drama queen.

Maybe in your own quieter way OP, start to engage your Mum with all your hopes and fears without Sis around.

The OP has posted wanting her feelings of jealousy to be validated. She wants to be pandered to. That's not a good way to be thinking.
Her thread title says she is disappointed her sister is pregnant. And you want me to pat her on the shoulder and say it's fine to feel like that when you're pregnant? hmm No it isn't.

AThingInYourLife Mon 17-Jun-13 00:00:08

Pandered too?

FFS Northern, that's beneath you.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 23:58:57

"But actual disappoint because something happy has happened to someone you love purely because it reduces the attention given to you? I do not get that. There is nothing disingenuous about it, I very genuinely don't get that."

You don't get that sometimes people feel overshadowed by their siblings?

You can't imagine that in some families certain members always command the attention and that it can be hard for the ones who are overlooked?

You struggle to empathise with a woman who feels that her older sister is preferred by her mother?

You are perplexed that she is worried that she won't now get the support she believed would be available?

And your puzzlement is so urgent that it needs to be expressed in unkind terms to an upset pregnant woman?

Really? hmm

You are that lacking in imagination and empathy?

Shit, I got upset and worried about way stupider things than this when I was pregnant.

No I don't get it either. This is not a good or reasonable way to be feeling. This diminishes the OP and she needs to pack away these feelings asap not have them pandered to.

decaffwithcream Sun 16-Jun-13 23:23:57

I don't think the wonder that someone can be sad about this is disingenuous AThing.

Some people have posted that people they loved have announced pregnancies when they were struggling to or could not conceive or had very recently miscarried and that that was difficult. That I fully understand.

But actual disappoint because something happy has happened to someone you love purely because it reduces the attention given to you? I do not get that. There is nothing disingenuous about it, I very genuinely don't get that.

kennyp Sun 16-Jun-13 23:12:02

congratulations!!! do you remember the friends episode when monica and chandler got engaged and then rachel kissed ross and monica said that rachel was trying to steal her thunder? it sounds like that.

at least you can let it all out here, semi anonymously, and not face to face with your sister/mother etc. enjoy your pregnancy and honestly try not to let it all get to you. first pregnancy is lovely ... all the mooching round spendign 2838473 hours looking for the perfect pushchair, etc etc. enjoy it smile

Openyourheart Sun 16-Jun-13 23:08:02

Congratulations. Focus on the positives because dwelling on this will not make you happy.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 22:54:50

It seems very child-like in an 'I want mummy to give me all her attention and praise.'

Yes, it does.

And sad in that she seems unlikely to the approval she was hoping before.

I didn't feel anything like the OP does when my sis announced her pregnancy when I was pregnant with my first.

I was over the moon.

But I never felt ignored or overlooked or like my family were no longer interested in my pregnancy.

Because my sister and I aren't competitive with each other (any more grin as children we were dreadful) and my mother would make sure to make an equal fuss of us both.

It must be horrible and lonely to feel like your family no longer care about your pregnancy because your sister has stolen the limelight.

I can't really see the need for derision and being indignant.

We have longstanding threads on Mumsnet dedicated to how damaging family dynamics can be.

This kind of stuff hurts. And it matters.

A soon-to-be new mother is feeling upset. It's disappointing that the response is disingenuous wonder that anyone can be sad about something so trivial.

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