To have sent this email?

(42 Posts)
NoobyNoob Fri 14-Jun-13 15:30:21

I work part time in an office, I've been there for about 8 months now. I work on a small team who I get along with well apart from one.

We talk, but she's very abrupt with me, often given one word answers if I ask her if she had a nice weekend etc. She talks quite openly to everyone else but me, and she only talk to me if she has to. She's very very pretty, lots of confidence and says what she thinks.

Today it got to me, I asked her if she was up to anything and she said no. So I asked if she was going to see her mum and she said no.

So I sent her an email, asking if I had done anything wrong and that if she disliked me then it's OK to say, I'd rather know TBH. I said that this week it's been really hard to make conversation with her and I'd really like us to be able to get along.

She didn't reply at all, and muttered under her breath that she wasn't bothered. I don't know the girl very well, but it's hurt my feelings even more.

So no doubt now, she's told the other woman who works on the team and I bet they think I'm a right twat - sorry don't know how to swear!

I know not everyone can like everyone, but I'm only in the office three days a week, and for those three days I'd really like to enjoy it.

Was I unreasonable?

TheRealFellatio Sun 16-Jun-13 17:11:33

You were being a bit U, yes.

It's a tough fact of life that you cannot make everyone like you. Most of us manage to disguise the fact that someone doesn't float our boat, and we can be civil and pleasant and friendly-ish in a non-commital way, for the sake of a good working atmosphere, so it's tough when you come up against someone who makes it clear they are irritated by you, when you know you've done nothing specific to deserve it.

But the thing is, what do you do now? she emails back and says what? Actually yes, you bore the tits off me, and I can't be bothered to hide it?

Or: You are crap at your job and I'm sick of having to cover for you?

Would you really feel any better for knowing any of that stuff, or worse? Best to just pick up on the signals that she's not interested in you, or that she's taken against you for some silly reason, and doesn't even have the good grace to try to hide it, and get on with your job and treat her with the same polite yet aloof level of disdain and disregard she affords you. Don't look needy - there is nothing to be gained by an awkward showdown over this.

Anthracite Sun 16-Jun-13 16:59:35

People you work with do not need to be your best friends. The important thing is that you can work together productively, not do small talk.

I have a similar relationship at work (I am the cold one). It gives me the heebie-Jeebies everytime the colleague tells me that she wish we could be friends. She is so needy.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 16-Jun-13 16:54:26

I don't think you sent the e-mail out of malice but you were hurt and misjudged but that isn't a crime.

Work is work and we all have to rub along at work accepting each other's differences. Occasionally we meet a true ffriend.

I chat at work but I never give feelings away or personal info. not like on mumsnet might go out occasionally to a work do but it stays entirely that.

I made one huge error of judgement when I went back to work c years ago. I had a young colleague (aussie girl in the UK about 25 lonely and having a tough time). I invited her home for supper and all seemed lovely. After that she turned and bitched continuously about how we lived, criticising how I laid a sheet of paper on the desk after. Learnt a hard, valuable lesson - private life and work don't mix.

ShadowStorm Sun 16-Jun-13 16:32:32

I think you're just going to have to let it go. I know it's hurtful when people don't seem to like you for no reason whatsoever, but as she seems intent on not being your friend, I'd just stop trying so hard. Be polite, keep interaction mostly work related, but it sounds like a waste of time to keep on trying to engage her in social conversation.

And I agree that e-mail wasn't the best way to handle this. I think having a face to face conversation would have been much better. It's too easy for people to misinterpret e-mails.

Numberlock Sun 16-Jun-13 05:45:45

Most certainly not! You have rights

What rights are those then in this situation?

OP - what your husband said was harsh but there's probably an element of truth in it.

Try to see it from your colleague's point of view.

internationallove985 Sat 15-Jun-13 23:56:52

No I don't think you're being unreasonable as you did what you thought was right at the time. You're right to be upset. No-one likes it when someone takes dislike to them, I most certainly don't, but sadly not everyone will like us I agree adeucalione just be polite. You can't say you haven't tried, can you. xxx

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Jun-13 23:32:50

You need to make the distinction between friends and colleagues.

I see you were trying to make polite conversation but I would be take your line of perpetual questioning as quite invasive - I don't discuss home life at work and I wouldn't expect to be interrogated.

I do think the email you sent was either juvenile or needy, maybe both - depending on the style in which you wrote it, it could be quite harassing if she chose to use it that way.

candyandyoga Sat 15-Jun-13 23:11:02

Never leave a paper trail at work!
Just be polite but don't ever again try to chat to her unless you need to. She's a twat. The best thing you could do is show you aren't bothered by her.

whatisyourview Sat 15-Jun-13 21:21:58

Another thing you must consider are the woman's feelings. Ask her round for tea. Start to be open minded

<You are wasting work time and resources by sending an email. Its not school, you are not there to enjoy yourself> hmm Sorry Teach!

OP, just try and ignore her. She's being a bitch for the sake of it.

whatisyourview Sat 15-Jun-13 21:21:04

Most certainly not! You have rights.

LessMissAbs Sat 15-Jun-13 21:15:38

Oh and btw OP, I tend to resort to one word answers when I get constantly interrupted by inane chit chat. I've only had to do it once in the workplace (I actually spoke to my line manager about being interrupted by someone wanting to constantly chat when I was trying to work and was told that everyone said the same thing but due to room shortages he tried to give everyone a year max in the same room as that person). I once had a flatmate who felt compelled to fill every moment with inane jabbering. It almost drove me mad, and I'm quite a chatty person.

The inference from the one word answers is that you are busy, you don't want to be interrupted, and you are talking too much. Its a social cue - its more polite than telling someone to shut up.

Elquota Sat 15-Jun-13 21:15:26

Unfortunately with an email like that I think you've played right into her hands. She wants you to feel insecure. Best thing is to rise above it and be breezily cheerful.

LessMissAbs Sat 15-Jun-13 21:08:21

*Today it got to me, I asked her if she was up to anything and she said no. So I asked if she was going to see her mum and she said no.
So I sent her an email, asking if I had done anything wrong and that if she disliked me then it's OK to say, I'd rather know TBH. I said that this week it's been really hard to make conversation with her and I'd really like us to be able to get along*

tbh I think you should keep work for work-related interactions, unless invited to join in something social. ie you shouldn't expect it as a perk of the job. You are wasting work time and resources by sending an email. Its not school, you are not there to enjoy yourself (always a bonus) but to work.

frutilla Sat 15-Jun-13 21:00:41

I wouldn't have sent the email, I may have written it but I would have deleted it. YABU to expect a good result from this kind of communication with someone who is clearly just nasty and trying to make you feel bed. Maybe you could have talked with a third party in the office instead, she would have found out just as quickly!

Elquota Sat 15-Jun-13 20:53:52

OP, think about who you like, rather than who likes you. Do you really want to be friends with someone like that anyway? She sounds really immature and may be jealous of you for some reason. Is it possible to talk to your boss/team leader about the atmosphere?

Nerfmother Fri 14-Jun-13 16:54:33

But one word answers aren't rude in context. Maybe she is thinking o god please don't start talking at me and is actually trying to work? The office isn't a social event unless its lunch or a break or whatever. It's nice when you are all free to chat, but that's not always possible.

FeegleFion Fri 14-Jun-13 16:47:34

I actually don't think YWBU - just naive, unfortunately.

I used to be really sociable with all of my colleagues, and believed we were genuine friends, one in particular, (think nights out/ weekends away/ staying over at my place).

Then this particular 'buddy' started seeing someone (I was really happy for her) but as a singleton, I continued dating. I, too, hoped to find a lovely chap to get to know better but for a while, I seemed to have 'a lot' of first dates.

I found out my 'friend' had been gossiping about me and calling me quite unnecessary and untrue names.

From then on, work was work. I don't socialise with anyone, I don't engage in chatty banter.

I am civil and pleasant but I go to work, keep my head down and decline all social invitations from everyone.

I learned a lesson about office politics the hard way.

The point of my novel post is, don't try to make friends with the people you work with. It's not worth your time, energy or your upset.

adeucalione Fri 14-Jun-13 16:41:44

She sounds very rude - she doesn't have to like you, but one-word replies to your questions are unecessarily unpleasant I think.

It is quite obvious that she considers herself socially superior to you - bet she wouldn't speak to her boss like that, or the most popular person on the team.

I think you were daft to tip your hand with an email - never show these people that they are bothering you.

And I don't think you need to worry about her telling your colleagues - most will think that you did a nice conciliatory thing and that she is horrible for both ignoring it and then talking about it.

Be civil, be polite and ignore - she's really not worth it.

Nerfmother Fri 14-Jun-13 16:37:05

I work in a small team. I am not that sociable. I am extremely busy at times and don't want to chat. One word answers acknowledge the person but don't allow for chat to develop. It's not shes wrong, you're right. Leave her to it, there could be a hundred reasons she doesn't want to chat. And don't bring your own insecurities into work emails unless its a serious bullying or other work issue and you need a paper trail.

WuzzleMonkey Fri 14-Jun-13 16:35:14

Oh sorry, the thread moved on whilei was tyoing forever on my tablet!

She sounds like a bit of a cow, I would ignore her. If your dh says you come across as desperate...I hate having to ask this but are you sometimes a bit annoying? I have met a few people who are utterly lovely but are also a bit 'too much' at times and that can get peoples backs up.

You say you go to work and want to enjoy it but maybe she doesny see it as fun and just wants to get on withmit.

Either waynshe doesnt sound like a very n7ce person so I wouod just happily ignore hermfrom now on!

WuzzleMonkey Fri 14-Jun-13 16:30:33

I am wondering why you included the information in your op that she is very very pretty. It seems an odd thing to say. Do you have an issue with that? Do you think she has an issue with you because of your looks?

I am not criticising you for inluding that info - its just that yiu said you have no idea what her problem is and I wondered if subconsciously you think its to do with that?

But back to the question - yes ywbu to send that email. I think it was a little unprofessional and wasnt the appropriate forum to address the issue.

Pagwatch Fri 14-Jun-13 16:28:47

Aw, you are feeling blue!

You might well be trying too hard. It's really easy to do but sometimes people just want to keep things a bit distant in a close office situation to avoid getting sucked into a situation they then want to back off from a bit.

And you have to be a bit more sensible. Yes, you want to make friends but from your description of this woman you don't like her at all. So you are investing energy in a woman who you think is a queen bee and a shallow show off. That's a huge waste of time.

Can you take a bit of a step back and try and figure out who you actually like and then gradually try and let a friendship develop.

spondulix Fri 14-Jun-13 16:27:54

"DH say's I come across as desperate, not just with her but with everyone. He says I try too hard"

That's a harsh thing to say. I feel your pain about trying to break into office life and friendships. The only thing you can do is keep your head held high, act confident and be friendly without looking too over eager.

quesadilla Fri 14-Jun-13 16:19:43

Nooby I do understand and I think your instincts are admirable. I'm a veteran of offices, having worked in them for nearly 20 years and have become a bit hardened to behaviour like this, I'm afraid.
I think the thing you have to remember is that there are lots of reasons to do with office politics why a person might be miserable or embittered at work which have nothing to do with you personally but which might colour the way they react to you.
You will make friends at work but you have to have a bit of a front a lo of the time too and not allow people to get to you if they are shitty.

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