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to want my 10year old to sign her name with our surname rather than her fathers'

(41 Posts)
AnnaTT Fri 14-Jun-13 09:54:35

My daughter's name is christian name, middle name, my surname, her father's surname. Eg: Ella Sophia Brown Jones. He left at birth but sees her regularly. Ella and I are known by my name: Brown. She is registered with school, dentist, medical, clubs, everything as all three names.

Now that she is applying for an 11 year old Oyster card, she signed it as on her birth certificate, with both surnames. This is for the first time.

I object. I want her signature to read as does her name on the card. Partly because I want her to get back to me should she get lost. But also, I admit, because she is a Brown and I have ostensibly brought her up - done all the work. Of course I am hurt.

Of course I cant force her pen. But What do others think?

Follyfoot Fri 14-Jun-13 09:57:48

Have you accidentally given away her real surname in your post above? Just a bit concerned....

Pick your battles.......she is soon to hit hormone city - a name on an oyster card will be the least of your worries.

Grow a thicker skin too smile

PurpleRayne Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:24

Have reported.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 14-Jun-13 09:59:31

Minefield.

thebody Fri 14-Jun-13 10:00:24

She is 11 and I think it's up to her really. Totally understand your feelings as you have done all the hard work but if she still sees her dad then she feels connected to him.

Think this is a battle not to pick at the threshold of puberty and of her starting to work out relationships and who she is.

Bigger battles ahead. Sounds like you have done a great job with her anyway.

EduCated Fri 14-Jun-13 10:04:28

I say it's up to her. Also seems to make more sense if she is known by that name in other 'official' capacities.

NarkyNamechanger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:11:33

Reported for what???

kelda Fri 14-Jun-13 10:12:45

Probably reported for putting her real surname in.

AnnaTT - if that's her name, then you shouldn't try and stop her using it.

NarkyNamechanger Fri 14-Jun-13 10:15:46

Yes just re read and spotted that.

Startail Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:34

Ten year olds believe they know better than any adult on the planet and are as tactful as a steam roller.

Pick your battles carefully OP

Bearbehind Fri 14-Jun-13 10:18:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

changechangechange Fri 14-Jun-13 10:21:24

You gave her both surnames at birth, but now want her to use only half? If I've understood that right, she's got a fair point tbh. (And I say that as someone who believes that in general, children ought to take their mother's surname.)

Yanbu to feel a bit hurt though.

NicknameTaken Fri 14-Jun-13 10:21:35

Not a hill to die on. You're effectively asking her to deny one half of her heritage. Don't do it.

I do sympathise, as my dd is Firstname Ex'sfirstname Ex'ssurname and sometimes it feel like he is laying total claim to her, but I would never breathe a word of that to dd.

BeauNidle Fri 14-Jun-13 10:26:58

It would appear she has given away her real surname in a later part of the psot. OP i hope you are reading and can get this changed quickly.

With regard to the using of both names, I really don't think you should worry too much. Her birth cert will have the orignal name and some cases I think she will have to use it, even if she doesn;t in day to day life. And she still sees her dad so I think you will be making a rod for your own back here.

Bearbehind Fri 14-Jun-13 10:27:32

I just got what you mean about accidently giving away her name folly I think you might be right.

If her birth certificate has Brown Jones on it the she'll have to use that on official documents won't she? I know an Oyster card isn't exactly an official document but Brown Jones is her actual name so I can't see that you can stop her using it.

sparechange Fri 14-Jun-13 10:29:26

Narky, she's accidentally used her real surname by the looks of it...

Trills Fri 14-Jun-13 10:30:05

You are being unreasonable, yes.

I don't think she has to use her full surname on anything, but she should be allowed to choose to do so.

From your title it sounds like you are saying that she is using her father's surname instead of yours, which is not true, she is using both.

juneybean Fri 14-Jun-13 10:31:09

And now you've repeated it Bearbehind

post Fri 14-Jun-13 10:37:03

You say 'of course I'm hurt', but why 'of course'? You don't have to feel hurt. have a look at what, specifically it means to you that she uses her (own, legal) surname, and Seidel if its worth making both of you upset. Are you 'being hurt' to try to make her make a different choice? That way lies unhappiness for both of you, I fear, if that's how you're going to make your relationship with her.

cory Fri 14-Jun-13 10:40:15

The problem is that she is 10. Her surname is no longer just the name of her father: it is her name, part of her identity. Otherwise you might as well argue that it isn't your ex's surname either but some distant ancestor's of his. And that your name isn't yours either. She is a person in her own right, just as much as you are.

BarbarianMum Fri 14-Jun-13 10:41:34

I think you have to let her choose. I know 3 young people named on a similar principle to your dd (ie both surnames) and they have all dropped one. My dsis was a bit upset when dn did this but he just wants to sign his name/fill in forms quickly.

Bearbehind Fri 14-Jun-13 10:46:29

I know juney I thought it was an illustration, it's not until I read follys post I realised what appears to have happened.

I thought the third name was another alias which is what confused me further.

CrowsLanding Fri 14-Jun-13 10:51:33

I think it is wrong you are trying to take half of your Dds heritage and identity from her.

It seems to me you have tried your best to not allow her fathers name to appear on anything by registering school, docs etc using your surname only. Now your dd is old enough to decide for herself.

When you registered your dd at birth you chose to give her both names and those names are going to be there on her birth cerificate for the rest of her life.

Also everything official will have to be in the name that appears on her birth certificate, passport, bank account.

wankerchief Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:48

Its up to her. She should choose

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