Who is being unreasonable here?

(233 Posts)
Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:38:54

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 18:23:50

My DH had a dad with drink problem. He said when he was a child, even when FIL had only one or two he could tell as his voice would change. He said he hated his drinking. Here are some of the feelings he felt as a DC due to the drinking:-
angry, hurt, scared, sad, and more.

He then went onto being a heavy drinker himself, but since having kids he NEVER drinks infront of them, as he knows how it made him feel, and doesn't want his kids to feel like this. FIL still maintains that he was a 'good drunk'. Whilst DH insists that he wasn't and that it was awful.

We also have a friend who drinks all day. He doesn't look drunk just merry, but he can't do without it (all day drinking). He has a baby and can't soothe her probably cos he stinks of booze. He has very responsible, high earning job but can't see what's wrong with having a 'couple'.

My DM was also like this, saying that she just needed it for 'energy' and she 'wasn't really that bad compared to ......'. Really ? at 2pm in the afternoon you need a drink ? i don't think so ! But she's stopped (after years) as she finally realised that she wants to be around for her DG's foras long as possible. You know how i felt whilst this was going on :-
angry, hurt, scared, sad and more.

Please do something about this, as if you can't NOT have a couple of drinks when seeing your child, then you have a problem.
Don't ruin your life and your child's relationship with you, for the sake of alcohol. It's not worth it.

If you still really think you dont have a problem, then look at a few alcohol addiction websites to see if you're coming out with those excuses.

NicknameIncomplete Fri 14-Jun-13 18:50:26

I dont understand this.

You want to see your kids and spend time with your kids you dont drink or turn up after having a few drinks.

Isnt it that simple?

OfficialSweetieMonitor Fri 14-Jun-13 19:19:57

I used to drink too much. I've been drunk in charge of a baby. Convinced myself it wasn't that much, everybody did it - all the usual excuses.

Luckily I saw sense, and have worked hard to control my drinking. But it really is hard to admit it. There are other people who have been in the same situation as you. You can get help with this and it is not a weakness, but you have to want to change first.

You have asked the question but don't like what people are telling you. What's the point in asking if you aren't willing to listen to what people are saying?

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Yes, you are a drunk.

Yes, your wife has every right because she worries/cares about her children.

She should've said what she is saying all along though, not just recently.

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 19:53:36

"So do NONE of you have a couple of pints or glasses of wine round your kids then?"

I personally don't do this, but I have seen a parent doing this at a street BBQ and he said "god i've been dying for a beer" whilst he was setting up, before BBQ had even started. He then proceeded to have quite a few, with DC's who were 3yo and 2yo wandering around on the street.

Would never sleep in room with kid, even if i've had one drink cos it stinks, and it's not nice for the child. Not just the smell but cos sometimes they associate that smell with daddy might get silly, and i dont like it when he's silly like that, and there might be a fight with mum.

As for your ex-W. Ok lets just say for a min that she might be controlling generally and a PITA. We don't really know her.
But you CHOSE to drink excessively. It is always a choice of the person to drink or not to drink. Blaming it on her is just denying that you have any control over your addiction.
I guess what i'm trying to say OP is that please do not use a power struggle with your ex-W to try to justify that your drinking is not a problem for your kids.
It is a problem. You say you have a family that drinks alot. This is because kids are more likely to become alcoholics if they are surrounded by them when growing up.
You know you have a problem with drinking, then deal with it.
Not because your ex-W has told to you to. But do it for your kids.

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 20:00:05

OfficialSweetieMonitor absolutely agree with "you have to want to change first."

There are over 200 hundred messages on here saying that you need to sort this out, not because we want to control you, but because you need help and some of us have been on the receiving end of alcohol addiction.
Please at least have a good think about it OP.

WeAppearToBeAlright Fri 14-Jun-13 20:43:53

I have been both on the receiving end and a heavy drinker myself - and yes, the two probably are linked, as they may well be for your children.

My father was mostly a genial drinker, but geniality in itself was so unusual that we were both on high alert for when the next sentence would return to normal grumpiness - so nice or nasty drinker is irrelevant, it's the changeability in behaviour that makes children anxious about what will happen next, or how long it will last.

For myself - I would have agreed with you a few years ago. Why the hell shouldn't I drink what I want when I want it? I don't hurt anyone. I'm not a risk. I'm doing ok. And it was true - in my eyes. What I didn't realise - genuinely didn't get - was that not everyone, not even a minority of people drank like I did. And I didn't drink anything like you do. I was only 'ok' because I was used to it, not because it was in any way or shape normal. And I wasn't actually ok. I can't begin to tell you how much happier, relaxed, cheerful and generally capable I have been since I stopped all that. Mostly actual chemistry happening in the brain, with neurotransmitters and all that palaver, but also a little bit of genuine self-respect. I like being alive now. I like having a life to live, instead of just blunting it all, day after day after day after day.

And I never even knew I was missing all that, I thought what I had was all there was. Which is where you're strenuously arguing to stay.

HarumScarum Fri 14-Jun-13 20:53:00

I drink in front of my daughter, yes. I have a glass of wine with my dinner maybe twice a week, I have a glass or two of wine at a barbecue or lunch party or in a restaurant when we eat out, I have a glass of wine on holiday in the sunshine at lunchtime. I bet, though, the difference between you and me, OP, is that I have one or two glasses and then I stop, and you have that one or two and then think 'well, why not have a couple more?' and then it turns into more than a couple. And regardless of whether or not you think it is affecting you, it is. And your ex and children will and do notice and they are suffering from it. Drunks are no fun to be around, even when they think they are sober. I am absolutely aghast that a separated dad whose contact with his children is at stake would turn up 'the worse for wear' to see them.

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