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To not want to have to put up with DH behaving like a spoiled child?(39 Posts)
I have just come home to a temper tantrum from my DH after a long day at work. Started to ask if I could go to read to DS2 who wasn't asleep - house was a mess. he basically smashed the broom over the kitchen table and when I said would you like to go out for a bit, he told me to get out. Shut up etc etc. I left and have come to the pub and ordered a glass of wine. I'm sure he expected me to hang around to be verbally abused until he'd let off steam. He works from hme one day a week, this is the ONLY day he has to do the kids on his own from 315- 730... Surely this is just behaving like a twat!
how can you fight for something he has no investment in himself ?
how can you achieve something if he isn't on the same side ?
in other words, you can't do it yourself...that really is doormat mentality
I agree with you, and I'm sure his Dad was the same. But how do you break the cycle, I'm not a defeatist I genuinely want to find a way and to make sure I have tried everything before giving up on a hopeless case. As I got home I did say next time I may not be back. I am naturally a fighter, or an achiever not a doormat...
kirky, I tell you these things with no expectation of what you should do
but what do you think my mother should have done....40 fucking years ago ?
Hi Op, presuming that you don't want to leave him, even though he is acting like a twat, wait until tomorrow, then sit down with him and together come up with some coping strategies that will "make his time easier" (ie make it less stressful for you) - do it in a non-confrontational way.
My DH would let the kids run wild, silently seething and be so furious with them by the end of the evening, he didn't know what to do with himself (he had a crap abusive father). He was never abusive or violent, but would just take himself off into a different room, and seethe. We discussed ways of dealing with it - ie, taking control of the kids before he starts getting pissed off. It's working well and his confidence is building.
Maybe this is a similar problem?
I seem to be typing this out a lot recently
My father was like this to my mother all through my childhood. He embarassed the whole family on many occasions by having his massive tantrums loudly and publically. He verbally abused my mother and she took it, over and over.
Oh, she'd have a little vent and a mini meltdown every so often and he would STFU for short periods and expect us all to go back to Happy Families
My mum did, my siblings did. But I refused to, hence massive friction as I grew up. He hated me for that, because I refused to play along with his "nice" spells...I saw them as false and short lived from a young age.
This is what your family has to look forward to. You are currently soothing yourself with "he never hurts the kids"
well < wake up call > hurting your kids mother is child abuse
I have no relationship with him now, and the one I have with my mother is very strained after I came to the realisation she should have protected her kids first and herself second
they are still together
he still smashes objects up and talks to my mother like she is a piece of shit
what a waste of a life
Smashing things is intimidation. I put up with it until it turned to actual violence. Eventually I had to LTB. There is no excuse - stress, bored, attention whatever.
Babette, it is abusive to intimidate someone by smashing household objects. Would you accept that sort of behaviour from a colleague and merely state " Oh that's just John having a tantrum, he's under so much stress? "
Anyfucker yes you are right that's exactly what I say in my head....how can you not deal with this ....but this all predates me and the kids - this is him. Maybe that's what bad parenting can create or maybe that's doing his parents a disservice. I don't know . I'm going home now though, I left at 715 this morning and I'd really like my own house back. Thanks for the advise. It has helped a lot - really it has .
His way of dealing with his stress is to verbally abuse you?
Kirky, this is not normal behaviour from an adult man. He is trying to control you with his outbursts. My husband tried a tantrum like that very early in our marriage. I took the children and left. I did not go back until he completed anger management and we had family therapy. Noone should be subject to another's verbal abusive. EVER.
Btw, I have a 16 year old with Asperger's. My son has a good understanding of appropriate ways to cope with anger.
Please take care of yourself and your children.x
Pictish yes he does not to the same degree, and more often than not its not about anything I've done....just he's rather warped way of dealing with his own stress.
I am sorry, kirky, this is a horrible realisation to come to
the kids getting older is going to exacerbate the situation though
don't ever say he wouldn't take it out on the kids...because he will, and every day you swallow the verbal use and explain away his ridiculous dramas you are assisting in modelling poor coping skills to them
it's not even "coping" skills though is it...he appears to find it difficult to be a decent human being which is not exactly fucking rocket science
Babette I have told him to do exactly that - work until they finish school / nursery / and then catch up in the evening when I get back. It seems easy to me - but then he doesn't seem to be able to recognise when things are getting on top of him. I would then just stick on the DVD or something and take 30 minutes to clear up, get sorted and then move on with the evening. But I genuinely think he has no clarity. Ps he has a good and brain demanding job...so he's not thick.
Does he often verbally abuse you? Sorry to ask again.
Nope, and I think I probably know that deep down. I am a one parent family with someone who probably would prefer to live in the house without responsibility dad. Not sure if I mean that but it's the way it feels... I work but I do think it would be better if I did all the childcare. BUT I love my job and my kids.
It sounds like a tantrum to me, not acceptable to bash objects and shout at the OP but abusive is overstating it a bit, isn't it?
He clearl finds the days when h has DCs on his own stressful. I'm not clear from the post - was he trying to work from home whilst looking after them? At their ages this is hardly going to happen so of course he's stressed. Could he maybe spend the 4 hours doing planned activities with them (swimming, library, art, playground etc) then do the work in he evening when they're asleep? I do this and though tiring it's an infinitely better option than trying to work with two children nagging for attention.
I think you need to tell him that this behaviour is not acceptable and that he needs to get help in finding some coping strategies to deal with his frustration. It must be horrible waiting spending your life waiting for the next explosions and as the kids get older they will become increasingly aware of needing to walk on eggshells around him or risk him losing it. That's really not a nice way to grow up, I can tell you that from experience.
You did the right thing actually to get away from the drama
You can't do that every time though, can you ?
What if one of the dc's woke up, and got in the way of flying flak from one of his ridiculous tantrums ?
try explaining that down the paediatric A+E....hellooooo social services referral when your kids start telling people daddy shouts and smashes things
is that the kind of family you want your kids to live in ? Is that what you pictured as you cooed over that first scan photo ?
Really not using that as a cop out - my DS has been monitored for it so that's what made me think he might Also have undiagnosed issues. Otherwise you are right he just doesn't want to...which may be the case.
I don't know about red flag. the kids were in bed. I know he wouldn't do anything really it's not about them...it's about him...normally I would have stayed incase they came downstairs but tonight I just couldn't face being the focus of the de- stress. It's just too much. He has just called and left a message but I have no desire to go back yet....
Why can't he cope with his own kids ? How pathetic. I suspect he simply doesn't want to
has he been diagnosed with Aspberger's, btw...don't use that as an easy cop out for his shiteness, it is insulting to those truly on the spectrum
I do feel sympathy for you op but i'm also quite surprised you left your dc's with him while he was in that state of mind?
Isn't smashing objects a red flag?
You're are all right, writing it down suddenly makes it seem more for what it is. He's always thrown these fits, his parents see the way he behaves and NEVER say anything. It is mainly when he feels unable to cope, and that's now caused by kids. Although in the past the practicalities of life - losing stuff, being disorganised etc etc have set it off. That's what I mean about childlike....i do wonder if he's mildly Aspergers as he seems to find nor al stuff really difficult. And the kids impossible to read!
Why does he struggle to look after his kids for just over 4hrs?
Any history of depression/stress?
He might never touch the kids but he is hurting them with his behaviour. Are you ok with that?
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