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Aibu about changing childrens names

(58 Posts)
Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 17:13:10

I had my ds1 at 18 after being with his dad for 2 years. He left when ds1 was 6 months old and basically slept his way thro the nurses at the hospital he worked at. I met my h and went on to have ds2,3 and 4. He finally settled down with a woman who had a ds from a previous relationship and went on to have dd2,3 and 4.
I found out today that they have changed the step sons surname to my ex's. now I understand why as then they will all have the same name, however a few years ago my ds1 wanted to name change to my surname and be the same as his brothers. His df said no and went mental, it has never been brought up since.
Personally I find this unfair on my ds, he sees him when my ds wants to see him and since the age of 4 has been brought up by my h, who has given him everything, his df hasn't!
Aibu to be pissed off about this?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 22:16:18

Thanks for clarifying that Hardhaton. BTW, YANBU to be annoyed.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:43:01

No permission is needed if they have had no contact for 5 yrs and the csa cannot find him in this period. Then it can be legally changed without knowledge

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 21:40:48

The preferred name thing is more about child's wellbeing and what they want so permission isn't needed for that bit - in our county anyway.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:38:25

I intend to leave it until ds is old enough to change it himself. I never intended to change his name anyway, its just he asked to change it. In my opinion ds is old enough to understand his massive family, and everything that comes with 2 families. He's not unhappy he heathy and doing well at school. If he really pushed me on it I would bring it up again and sort it.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:34:24

I would need permission as he has access which he sticks too and he has always paid his csa. Therefore he plays an "active" role with his son.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 21:29:30

samandi I realise that which is why my next post says about the fact dc can have a preferred name at school without the father's consent. Not on legal documents etc but on the class register (the computer system we use in our county has space for legal surname and preferred surname). So he can't legally alter it but there are things he could do if he really wanted to feel part of the family in that way - might be an issue if they all go to the same school.

Also, speaking to the father about a double barrelled name might be more agreeable to him that losing his name entirely.

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 13-Jun-13 21:27:51

I wasn't married when I had my dss, but they have their dads name. We have since separated, so I will never have the same surname as them. Sometimes I wish I.did, but actually I'm their mum regardless of their name.

op Yanbu. My ex is in a new relationship with a woman with2 dc, plus they are expecting one together. My 2 have told me that after the wedding, her dc are changing their surnames, because it would be silly for them to have different names to everyone else in the house (assuming their dad aggrees that is) Now I can see the logic of this, BUT you can bet your bottom dollar that if I were to marry and want to change my dcs name, the ex would not allow it. Double standards, and wrong imo.

That said, I'd I do ever get married, I wouldn't change the dcs name, ad their dad is their dad.

AmberSocks Thu 13-Jun-13 21:19:03

my kids all have my name,dh has his own surname.im not really why id di it in the first place but im glad i did tbh,unless you agree with the original reasons for changing yours and your kids names then i cant see why there is a reason for or against having the mothers name instead,for us it was just a personal choice.and i dont like his surname!

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:38

If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

I missed this.

I think the difficulty many women in this situation encounter - correct me if I'm wrong - is that PERMISSION is needed from the ex to change the kid's name. At this point it is TOO LATE to give the child the name you want to without permission from the father.

So saying you would change it if you were in the OP's position is just DAFT. The whole point of this thread - as I have taken it - is that she CAN'T just change his name!!

Tooearlyintheday Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:48

I think it entirely depends on whether or not the other little boy has an involved father. If the OPs ex is the boy's only "father" then it is not hypocritical for him to change his surname as it is a completely different scenario from that of the OPs DS.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:14

Winenot- yeah I know. It just bugs me. He's a grade A knob

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:59:28

WineNot - sorry, didn't mean you personally.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:57:48

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

Pretty sure I've already covered off the reasons that that is not going to happen, but I see your point.

OP - your ex is being an arse

But, no longer can the mother put the father's name on the Birth Certificate, if they are not there (unless married), so some choose to give the child their father's surname.

In some areas there is probably a fair few cases of incest.

I think that the father's surname should be registered somewhere.

My middle DD went to school with her neice and didn't know until the last two years.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:22

Sorry OP, I agree that it's double standards and it would bug me, but maybe look at the positives - he seems like a jerk so at least you have a better dh now.

I think your son is allowed to have a "preferred" name at school so could use your surname in class etc but official stuff like exams etc would have to be in his legal name. That's what we do at our school which is a secondary and it's the child and 1 parent who authorises it but really it's the child, the parent just has to be in the loop. Maybe that would be a good compromise and help your son.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:05

*Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes*

Hardhaton - Personally I think that is the best option. Obviously it's up to people what they do.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:46:05

*The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?*

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:28

*Would I have preferred my mother's name

But we're not talking about my mother keeping her name. We're talking about me keeping mine.*

And you're saying you don't want to keep yours because it belonged to a man than abandoned you!

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:08

Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:08

*Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life.*

What, being bored of seeing these threads?

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:04

Just read male dominance bit. Oh my life, dh is going to love this - like he'd ever think he was dominant in our relationship. In fact most of the woman I know are the ones who steer their relationships in matters such as where the kids go to school, house to buy, where to go on holiday etc. Maybe I just know a lot of evil wives. I often tell dh he's hard done by having me but could never afford to divorce me as I do all the banking and he doesn't know/bother learning the log ins.

I think it's important to remember that some relationships are for keeps rather than assuming all will end prematurely.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:54

That's my point I really don't give a rats arse what name ds has, my point was his df won't let him change his name ( ds is 12) but it willing to change his dp ds name.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:52

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

confused

Do you want a medal?

As for cultural traditions ... do you enjoy having your own financial independence, being able to go out at night unchaperoned, etc. etc. ... or do you balk at those cultural traditions?

The point is not to assuage others but to save yourself and your kid hassles down the line confused Another point that seems to have utterly passed some people by.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:36:10

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life. I know the statistics but of all my close friends and family there are 3 divorces - 1: mother and father have equal custody and things are done in a mature way where they share responsibility (this is not easy as her dh walked out when dd3 was 3mo and a year later his new girlfriend gave birth but she puts her hatred of him aside for the dc) other 2: mums left dc with their dads on the other 2 occasions - so why would it be better if they had their mum's name?

I took dh's name not because I am a meek and pathetic woman but because I love him, married him and was happy to take on his family name. Our dc have his name and that's how I would always want it. If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:32:02

The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?

I really can't get my head round that argument...

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