Aibu about changing childrens names

(58 Posts)
Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 17:13:10

I had my ds1 at 18 after being with his dad for 2 years. He left when ds1 was 6 months old and basically slept his way thro the nurses at the hospital he worked at. I met my h and went on to have ds2,3 and 4. He finally settled down with a woman who had a ds from a previous relationship and went on to have dd2,3 and 4.
I found out today that they have changed the step sons surname to my ex's. now I understand why as then they will all have the same name, however a few years ago my ds1 wanted to name change to my surname and be the same as his brothers. His df said no and went mental, it has never been brought up since.
Personally I find this unfair on my ds, he sees him when my ds wants to see him and since the age of 4 has been brought up by my h, who has given him everything, his df hasn't!
Aibu to be pissed off about this?

HollyBerryBush Thu 13-Jun-13 20:25:35

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

>slate me<

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 20:26:28

He can be known as your surname and change it officially when he's 18.

Do that.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:26:46

Samandi - a woman's name from birth is normally her father's name - another man's name!

Ah, that old chestnut.

The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? confused Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

Tooearlyintheday Thu 13-Jun-13 20:28:02

There are men who are the residential parent of their children post-separation too, samandi. Should they not have a say in what their DCs surname is or is it all about the Mother's wants and feelings?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:28:52

Also does the word 'surname' indicate ownership and male dominance?

Um, does it?

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:04

Hardhaton - I don't mean to be harsh at all! Just trying to point out that these things do happen. I really wish they didn't!

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:04

Why would it disadvantage your children Holly? confused

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:56

What game?

The pedant's game

Would I have preferred my mother's name

But we're not talking about my mother keeping her name. We're talking about me keeping mine.

Okey dokey. Hopefully your husband won't abandon you with a daughter that has his name ...

Doubtful, since we can't have kids, but thanks anyway.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:32:02

The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?

I really can't get my head round that argument...

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:36:10

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life. I know the statistics but of all my close friends and family there are 3 divorces - 1: mother and father have equal custody and things are done in a mature way where they share responsibility (this is not easy as her dh walked out when dd3 was 3mo and a year later his new girlfriend gave birth but she puts her hatred of him aside for the dc) other 2: mums left dc with their dads on the other 2 occasions - so why would it be better if they had their mum's name?

I took dh's name not because I am a meek and pathetic woman but because I love him, married him and was happy to take on his family name. Our dc have his name and that's how I would always want it. If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:52

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

confused

Do you want a medal?

As for cultural traditions ... do you enjoy having your own financial independence, being able to go out at night unchaperoned, etc. etc. ... or do you balk at those cultural traditions?

The point is not to assuage others but to save yourself and your kid hassles down the line confused Another point that seems to have utterly passed some people by.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:54

That's my point I really don't give a rats arse what name ds has, my point was his df won't let him change his name ( ds is 12) but it willing to change his dp ds name.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:04

Just read male dominance bit. Oh my life, dh is going to love this - like he'd ever think he was dominant in our relationship. In fact most of the woman I know are the ones who steer their relationships in matters such as where the kids go to school, house to buy, where to go on holiday etc. Maybe I just know a lot of evil wives. I often tell dh he's hard done by having me but could never afford to divorce me as I do all the banking and he doesn't know/bother learning the log ins.

I think it's important to remember that some relationships are for keeps rather than assuming all will end prematurely.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:08

*Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

What a sad outlook on life.*

What, being bored of seeing these threads?

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:08

Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:44:28

*Would I have preferred my mother's name

But we're not talking about my mother keeping her name. We're talking about me keeping mine.*

And you're saying you don't want to keep yours because it belonged to a man than abandoned you!

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:46:05

*The point - which seems to utterly escape so many people - is that it is your name. So what if it is a man's name, any more than if it is a woman's name? Honestly, the supposed logic of this argument baffles me completely. It's so absurd.

So, it's ok to have a name given to me by my father, but not my husband, who I chose?*

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:05

*Samandi
So what about double barrelling surname
Mothers surname-father surname, would this solve the problems in ur eyes*

Hardhaton - Personally I think that is the best option. Obviously it's up to people what they do.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:47:22

Sorry OP, I agree that it's double standards and it would bug me, but maybe look at the positives - he seems like a jerk so at least you have a better dh now.

I think your son is allowed to have a "preferred" name at school so could use your surname in class etc but official stuff like exams etc would have to be in his legal name. That's what we do at our school which is a secondary and it's the child and 1 parent who authorises it but really it's the child, the parent just has to be in the loop. Maybe that would be a good compromise and help your son.

But, no longer can the mother put the father's name on the Birth Certificate, if they are not there (unless married), so some choose to give the child their father's surname.

In some areas there is probably a fair few cases of incest.

I think that the father's surname should be registered somewhere.

My middle DD went to school with her neice and didn't know until the last two years.

WineNot Thu 13-Jun-13 20:57:48

Either one is ok. Just don't come on Mumsnet four years down the line and complain about you and your kid not having the same name/ex not giving permission to change kids name etc.

Pretty sure I've already covered off the reasons that that is not going to happen, but I see your point.

OP - your ex is being an arse

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 20:59:28

WineNot - sorry, didn't mean you personally.

Hardhaton Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:14

Winenot- yeah I know. It just bugs me. He's a grade A knob

Tooearlyintheday Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:48

I think it entirely depends on whether or not the other little boy has an involved father. If the OPs ex is the boy's only "father" then it is not hypocritical for him to change his surname as it is a completely different scenario from that of the OPs DS.

samandi Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:38

If he did walk out and I was in the situation the OP writes about, I might consider giving dc a double barreled surname or possibly changing it but the comment above just annoyed me.

I missed this.

I think the difficulty many women in this situation encounter - correct me if I'm wrong - is that PERMISSION is needed from the ex to change the kid's name. At this point it is TOO LATE to give the child the name you want to without permission from the father.

So saying you would change it if you were in the OP's position is just DAFT. The whole point of this thread - as I have taken it - is that she CAN'T just change his name!!

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