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To alter DH's blood test request form so he gets a sodding testosterone check

(35 Posts)
WittyMonica Thu 13-Jun-13 16:59:52

Slightly flippant title, I probably won't (mainly cos I don't know the medical shorthand for a testosterone test). But I am so frustrated!

DH has always had a lower libido than me, but for the last 2 years or so it's got worse. If I didn't initiate we might never have sex. As it is, I can persuade him maybe every one or two weeks. He seems to enjoy it when we do have sex, and doesn't have any erection problems. He never talks about sex unless I practically hold him hostage and force him to and it's obvious it makes him very uncomfortable - he's pretty repressed when not actively having sex. I have tried talking, and bought a Tracy Cox book which had some good advice in it, but he won't read it. He always promises things will change, that we'll do it 'soon', that it's just that he's tired/too fat/got indigestion/got to get up early/feels sick. He did once tell me that I should just accept that he just wants to do it less often than me and I need to get used to it. Which I did do to an extent, but it really makes me feel crap when he turns me down and doesn't initiate anything. He is lovely and affectionate in every other way possible. We have teenage DCs who are always around etc but there are always opportunities to go to bed when he's not tired and they're not around but he just won't most of the time, he says 'later' and then when later comes another excuse has come up, usually being too tired. He definitely does not use porn and is not having an affair.

I read about the effects of low testosterone on a man's libido over a year ago and pleaded with him to go to the doctor to ask for a test. He refused, and said that it was just because he was overweight and he would soon go on a diet and everything would be better. Well, he has now lost two stone but nothing has changed, in fact it seems a bit worse. He is always tired and falling asleep too - and he works much shorter hours than he used to.

A few months ago he was at the dr for a separate issue and I begged him to ask for a testosterone check and mention his libido. He came back and said he hadn't asked because there was a trainee with the doctor. I was so cross. angry

Yesterday he went to the dr with something else and again, I insisted that he mention his tiredness and low libido and request a testosterone test. I was so pleased when he came back with a blood test request form! But then he said that when he asked for the test, the dr had said 'we don't usually do that' and had told him he needed testing for thyroid problems etc first. I looked at the request form and there is nothing about bastard testosterone on it. He's being tested for thyroid levels, TATT (which I googled and stands for 'tired all the time') and his cholesterol, along with a full blood count.

I am fuming and so frustrated with his doctor. It took a lot for my DH to bring up the issue and I feel he's been fobbed off. Would it hurt for him to just be given the bloody test when he's having a blood test anyway?

On top of which I've read a problem in You magazine today where a lady bemoans her partner's low libido, and guess what, the reply advises he asks his doctor for a testosterone test. AAARGH!

Random question but does your DH snore? You mentioned he is overweight or has been?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 13-Jun-13 18:01:14

apnaeia

ARealDame Thu 13-Jun-13 18:16:28

He never talks about sex unless I practically hold him hostage and force him to and it's obvious it makes him very uncomfortable.

Perhaps you may have to accept his lower sex drive, but the above makes me think it may be more his psychological make up - and also that he is being a bit unfair too. After all they are your needs, and he is ignoring/refusing to look at the issue.

Have you been able to separate out any of the issues, i.e. is it your sex drive, your need for affection, your need to feel attractive to your partner? I don't know if that would help.

If you are the one who has to initiate sex all the time, I think that must be an issue. Would your husband agree to you having a lover, or is that just too weird an idea blush?

FredFredGeorge Thu 13-Jun-13 19:01:13

He's a man in his forties, low testosterone has a huge correlation with all sorts of poor health, getting it checked is not a bad idea quite apart from his libido.

Getting it checked is not a bad idea.

WittyMonica Thu 13-Jun-13 19:08:58

Thankyou for all your replies. Farewell it sounds like we are in the same boat! thanks

Yes he snores, but he doesn't stop breathing like in sleep apnoea, I've had the same thought myself.

SodaStreamy yes, this is very true, I have always needed constant reassurance that I am wanted and desired. This must be irritating, I know. When we have sex I feel so happy and relaxed for a day or two and then I'm back to the same again, looking for reassurance! My DH often says 'You're never satisfied' when I ask for sex a day or so after we've had it, and I hate that.

ARealDame you raise some interesting points, which I will think more on. As for having a lover, I don't want to have sex with anyone but DH. And he wouldn't want me to at all. Confession time; I did have a short fling, about 10 years ago, which DH found out about and I then ended, and our subsequent 'hysterical bonding' was weirdly one of the best times in my marriage as DH wanted sex all the time, talked about sex, and was really attentive. I wish I could have that time back again now, without all the pain and guilt of course! It was even better than the early days of our relationship. Sadly, things gradually went back to how they were before - even though he promised they wouldn't.

frustratedashell Thu 13-Jun-13 19:21:08

I truly sympathise . I've been in a similar situation and it caused us to split up. I loved him but he would not sort out his erectile dysfunction or please me in other ways. He promised he would but they were empty promises. I'm now with someone who is wonderful and good in bed. Lucky me!

Are you doing your fair share of housework/cooking/childcare?

Is your DH getting an equal amount of leisure time as you?

Are you showing him love and affection without putting pressure on him that this will lead to sex?

sweetsummerlove Thu 13-Jun-13 19:59:16

my OH could have written this about me.

fwiw, I feel awful about how it makes him feel when I turn him down. I genuinely wish I could muster energy and enthusiasm for a healthy sex life. I truly do.

I just..cant.

NatashaBee Thu 13-Jun-13 20:42:06

Could your DH write down something to give to the doctor, rather than talk to him? I can understand how awkward he'd feel about talking to someone about the issue.

maddening Thu 13-Jun-13 21:04:30

Private tests are about £50 - go together and ask gp for a referral for a private test.

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