To alter DH's blood test request form so he gets a sodding testosterone check

(35 Posts)
WittyMonica Thu 13-Jun-13 16:59:52

Slightly flippant title, I probably won't (mainly cos I don't know the medical shorthand for a testosterone test). But I am so frustrated!

DH has always had a lower libido than me, but for the last 2 years or so it's got worse. If I didn't initiate we might never have sex. As it is, I can persuade him maybe every one or two weeks. He seems to enjoy it when we do have sex, and doesn't have any erection problems. He never talks about sex unless I practically hold him hostage and force him to and it's obvious it makes him very uncomfortable - he's pretty repressed when not actively having sex. I have tried talking, and bought a Tracy Cox book which had some good advice in it, but he won't read it. He always promises things will change, that we'll do it 'soon', that it's just that he's tired/too fat/got indigestion/got to get up early/feels sick. He did once tell me that I should just accept that he just wants to do it less often than me and I need to get used to it. Which I did do to an extent, but it really makes me feel crap when he turns me down and doesn't initiate anything. He is lovely and affectionate in every other way possible. We have teenage DCs who are always around etc but there are always opportunities to go to bed when he's not tired and they're not around but he just won't most of the time, he says 'later' and then when later comes another excuse has come up, usually being too tired. He definitely does not use porn and is not having an affair.

I read about the effects of low testosterone on a man's libido over a year ago and pleaded with him to go to the doctor to ask for a test. He refused, and said that it was just because he was overweight and he would soon go on a diet and everything would be better. Well, he has now lost two stone but nothing has changed, in fact it seems a bit worse. He is always tired and falling asleep too - and he works much shorter hours than he used to.

A few months ago he was at the dr for a separate issue and I begged him to ask for a testosterone check and mention his libido. He came back and said he hadn't asked because there was a trainee with the doctor. I was so cross. angry

Yesterday he went to the dr with something else and again, I insisted that he mention his tiredness and low libido and request a testosterone test. I was so pleased when he came back with a blood test request form! But then he said that when he asked for the test, the dr had said 'we don't usually do that' and had told him he needed testing for thyroid problems etc first. I looked at the request form and there is nothing about bastard testosterone on it. He's being tested for thyroid levels, TATT (which I googled and stands for 'tired all the time') and his cholesterol, along with a full blood count.

I am fuming and so frustrated with his doctor. It took a lot for my DH to bring up the issue and I feel he's been fobbed off. Would it hurt for him to just be given the bloody test when he's having a blood test anyway?

On top of which I've read a problem in You magazine today where a lady bemoans her partner's low libido, and guess what, the reply advises he asks his doctor for a testosterone test. AAARGH!

WittyMonica Thu 13-Jun-13 17:01:36

Sorry, I forgot to say we are both early 40s and have been together over twenty years.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Thu 13-Jun-13 17:05:16

Could you have a telephone consultation with the doctor and during that ask for the blood test? The doctor could just approve it and then he could just go into the surgery. Seems like a reasonable idea even if just to put your mind at rest.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 13-Jun-13 17:05:48

YABU - i really woudlnt get your medical information from "you" magazine (isn't that the magazine that comes with the daily mail? shock). If your DH has thyroid problems that in itself would lower his labido. If you want a testosterone test, go private.

MildDrPepperAddiction Thu 13-Jun-13 17:06:17

I'm sure you are annoyed but I'm sure the doctor had an order in which to test for things. It could well be another problem and not testosterone levels.

I hope things improve for you both soon though.

Themobstersknife Thu 13-Jun-13 17:07:30

Ermmm...it doesn't sound like you are being very understanding. You sound very intense. Can understand that you are frustrated but I am not sure I would want to sleep with you as you sound very aggressive about it.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 13-Jun-13 17:08:22

I didn't mean that to sound so blunt! sorry - but seriously you need to let the doctor rule out some more obvious medical conditions first.. I take it that your DH has now mentioned his lack of labido to the Dr so if they don't feel a testosterone test is necessary AT THIS STAGE then go with it. If you put your DH under too much pressure (im not suggesting you are) but getting cross about it isn't going to help, it is going to make things worse.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 17:08:30

Are you sure he actually mentioned his libido to the doctor? As a GP I see a lot of men with libido/erectile problems, and it's very rare for them to have a low testosterone, but I always check it anyway.

You could try ringing the GP before the blood test is done and ask if you can add it.

Themobstersknife Thu 13-Jun-13 17:08:38

I didn't really mean aggressive. I can't think of the word I mean.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 13-Jun-13 17:08:51

Well, if the Dr thinks he needs a thyroid check and a full blood count done then I would be concentrating on him being well and healthy before worrying about testosterone.

Once he has a clean bill of health is the time to be worrying about how often he wants to have sex.

op please don't tamper with his form. you come across a tad obsessed with his testosterone levels. low libido can have many causes and many of those causes are not physical.

Bunbaker Thu 13-Jun-13 17:11:04

If he is tired all the time and has lost weight I expect they will be checking for diabetes as well. Diabetes can affect libido.

Umicar Thu 13-Jun-13 17:11:11

I am sure you are very frustrated, but imagine if your post had been written by a man about his wife. I wouldn't like to be pressured into blood tests by my partner.

Could he be depressed?

LayMizzRarb Thu 13-Jun-13 17:18:46

Your Doctor would not be able to discuss any aspect of your husbands treatment/investigations without his permission.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 13-Jun-13 17:23:38

I think once a week/fortnight isn't bad going, and you sound like you are bullying him a bit.

I am not a doctor, but I know enough to guess that they'd check for thyroid, anaemia and think about depression first

timidviper Thu 13-Jun-13 17:28:35

Thyroid is probably far more likely than testosterone deficiency so it makes sense to rule out the more common problems first. It also sounds as though there may be a psychological side to this too in as much as he is capable of sex and enjoys it but thinks of reasons why not to (I wonder if he feels under pressure? hmm)

The GP has the advantage of years of medical training rather than just reading magazines

EugenesAxe Thu 13-Jun-13 17:28:47

Personally I think you are being a bit pushy - you are ignoring a doctor's advice on the back of a problem page answer, and potentially side-stepping tests that may highlight something more concerning than low testosterone.

I think when the other tests come back clear is when you and/or your husband should start asking for the testosterone to be checked. And given what the doctor said, be prepared to be rejected on grounds of it being non-essential. It's not upsetting your DH, beyond him having you on his back a lot, so isn't really having any negative secondary health effects (unless you want to elaborate). You could argue that identifying and treating would ultimately be about satisfying your desires.

EugenesAxe Thu 13-Jun-13 17:29:58

Cross posted with everyone... sorry I didn't refresh after bringing it up the first time, unanswered.

DarkWinter Thu 13-Jun-13 17:30:48

Jeez, let your doctor run the tests - there can be many, many, many causes of low libido which don't relate to testosterone.

WittyMonica Thu 13-Jun-13 17:36:46

Lol. I take all your comments on board. I've thought the same about if our genders were reversed Umicar, and you're right, if I was a man acting the way I do I would be flamed here! I have been known to sulk, guilt trip him and remind him of how long it's been since we last had sex. I know this is wrong, and I try not to do it. But when I totally backed off and stopped initiating for a time nothing changed anyway. I do sound intense, I am, but I'm not really that way with DH. That's probably why I sound so intense here, because it's bottled up inside me a lot.

He's lost weight because he's been on a diet, and I am not worried about his heath otherwise. I'm pretty sure he's not depressed, although he is under a bit of stress because he's the only one who can drive and he's always giving the kids lifts, picking up shopping etc. I am moderately disabled with MS but he assures me this isn't why he doesn't want to do it, but I suppose a combination of these things could make him not feel like having sex.

But at the same time I think, I'm the one who's ill and I want to have sex much more than him and don't keep falling asleep on the sofa, and this makes me cross again. Lol I realise I sound like a furious nympho. But it's like the roles are reversed and I am the one with the male libido and attitude and he is the sensitive woman who is affected by outside influences, whether we've rowed etc, while I can treat sex separately IYSWIM.

I hate the thought that one day I may be too disabled to have sex anymore, or he will be older and have erectile dysfunction, and we've wasted all the best years of our sex life. sad

I sympathise. My husband has always had a lower libido than me. I did the whole rant thing 17 years ago then married him anyway (because I love him) and have slowly come to terms with it. It's hard and I really really feel for you. I pushed and pushed him to go to the doctor and he wouldn't. In the end I decided I'd rather be with him and not have swinging off the chandeliers sex every night than not. We 'plan' nights when it might happen. It's the only way as he would never initiate anything. Is there any way you could do the same? You could suggest that maybe next Friday (or whenever) might be a good time and see what happens. I would literally never have sex if we didn't plan at least a week in advance. It means I don't get turned down (which used to be heartbreaking) as we both know it's on the cards. Like you, it's great sex when it happens so I don't understand why he doesn't want it every night!

Anyway, I hope something changes. I think sometimes that some men just aren't that into it and their womenfolk just have to lump it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 13-Jun-13 17:47:08

I can understand why you feel frustrated, and probably more stressed than usual, given your MS and fears for the future. Wait for the results of these tests and stop stereotyping !!

Eddie107 Thu 13-Jun-13 17:50:40

Your DH does need to discuss his low libido with his GP - it is an important symptom & will help the GP make the correct diagnosis.
He should also have his ferritin levels checked as it could be caused by iron overload - this causes lethargy, loss of libido, muscle aching & various other problems but is sadly often missed by docs.

SodaStreamy Thu 13-Jun-13 17:51:22

Could you perhaps be looking for confirmation to prove he still finds you attractive in light of the MS?

ChestyNut Thu 13-Jun-13 17:53:32

Gosh what a post!

I'd be more concerned regarding fatigue and falling asleep and other medical causes and if my partner was well rather than my own needs.

Your right if the post were reversed you would be flamed.

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