To be annoyed at my SIL??(289 Posts)
I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.
DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.
I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!
I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??
If she wants to come I think you have to let her. It isn't fair at all that she has to wait, whilst your mum has been allowed to visit.
I'd get DH to phone her and explain she is welcome to visit but will only be able to stay a short time. If she stays overnight somewhere, she could possibly also come for a short item the following day?
Make sure DH is there when she visits and if she does over stay her welcome, just take the baby upstairs and say you are both going for a sleep.
Totally agree with Flicktheswitch - if she is willing to trek across the country for 2.5 hours by public transport, the least you could do is let her see her new grandchild for an hour. It won't kill you and it would mean so much to her. YABVU and, frankly, selfish. I don't get the whole "no visitors until I say so". Fair enough to say you don't want people to visit overnight and require feeding and entertaining, but can't you (or your DH!!) make the poor woman a cup of tea and let her stay for an hour??
Thanks all. My mum visited because she is local and I felt comfortable being basically half naked, in pain and in hospital in front of her. My dad recently died and I wanted her to see DD ASAP as I think it's all that's really kept us going. It's her first grandchild. My MIL has a dozen grandchildren and I actually naively thought she wouldn't be that bothered which was obviously a mistake. She hasn't actually asked to visit soon- I learnt of her upset via SIL. I've previously heard her say that new families should be left to it in the early days so really didn't anticipate the upset!
SIL needs to leave it up to you, DH and MIL to sort out.
If you are not comfortable with her coming for a long visit, perhaps suggest that she could come for an hour (so that she's had exactly the same time as your mum and the MW for those keeping score) and then your DH could take her out for lunch (or all of you , if you feel up to it) before escorting her back to the station.
Much as I hate to say it, your SIL is correct and you are being unreasonable in letting MIL visit her grandchild.
I bet your MIL is really upset. Probably do you all good to have a little get together and a mutual PFB appreciation afternoon. You do sound a bit like the Queen here. You are not being emotionally blackmailed. You are being over precious and overthinking all of this.
You don't feel comfortable with her.
But you know her-is she likely to say/do anything to upset you?
Or is she a sensible woman who, although excited to see her GC, will be mindful of the fact that you are knackered, trying to bfeed & have had surgery?
You should treat them equally. I hated the whole dm is loads more important than mil bullshit.
Yabu, your husband just became a father and you wont let him mum meet your new baby? Wow, invite her round for cuddles, get into bed for an hour or two when she's there and let her meet her new granddaughter
"Why didn't you allow your MIL to visit in hospital if your DM visited?"
I dont agree with this. The relationship you have with your Mum is completely different. After emergency csect you are very, very sore, can barley walk, not with it at all after prob being in labour for x days, and the last thing you want is people that you have to make an effort with.
My midwife said something i'll never forget on her first visit after i came back from hospital. I had 58 hours labour followed by csect, and a refluxer who couldn't sleep so at that point hardly slept for a week:-
"you and your baby are the most important thing. Not visitors, not DH, not the cleaning, not getting dressed etc."
At the end of the day, it is important that you do things when you are comfortable and that you bond with your baby first. Everyone else can bond with the baby when you are ready. You are the most important person. Your baby wont know if she's met MIL now or in 2 weeks time. If MIL doesn't feel important enough that's tough.
Yes you are being a bit U. I can't imagine telling my MIL that she couldn't visit her GC. She was really excited.
I can see why mil feels a bit left out. However you feel that you need your own space and are feeling vulnerable - in these circs having your own mum around you is very different to your mil.
On balance i probably agree that it's fair to ask mil to hold off a little bit longer (explainng why) or preferably (if you're up to it) offering a short visit.
I'd be pissed off with sil sticking her nose in and agree that competitive grannying is not helpful in the circs - I would have thought most grandparents could put their own needs aside for a short while.
I had mil telling me recentky she would be annoyed if my dad visited before her when my baby arrives. Pissed me right off.
Did you have a boy? How would you feel in 30 years time if he has a baby and you're not allowed to meet your grandchild?
I do get what you mean though as my own Mum was incredibly pushy about visiting when DC1 was born and as she has a habbit of over staying her welcome I was a bit reluctant for her to visit in the first couple of weeks (she has to fly here).
However, assuming you don't want to start an all out family feud over this, I would get your DH to speak to her and apologise and just say you're all a bit overwhelmed and very tired what with a difficult birth and first child. Explain that you're really looking forward to the baby meeting its Granny for the first time but just didn't want her to make a long trip for a short stay and then arrange for her to come in a couple of weeks.
In the meantime if she's on the computer perhaps you could skype her to introduce the baby.
I totally disagree with athing though, it is perfectly normal for people to be excited and happy and want to meet a new member of the family. Sometimes the attitude to this on mumsnet can be so fucking miserable.
Your SIL was definitely being UR to get involved, but I do think YABU to expect your MIL to wait 'another couple of weeks'.
If MIL doesn't feel important enough that's tough.
What a horrible attitude to have!
Your child will be just as important to your MIL as her other grandchildren.
I too had an emergency Cs and although I felt pretty shocked and uncomfortable I wouldn't have dreamt of not letting the family see their Grandchild/niece.
It really is only for a short time.
I think your sil was out of order, she should have tried to help the situation and not make it worse.
I do think you should invite her over soon, I think something must be delaying you from doing so.
I told my DH to tell his family not to turn up at the hospital unless invited as I too had a c section and it is very hard. I felt that mil would but in and take over my precious time so I voiced this to DH and he handled it perfectly. I think invite her over and as someone has said above, your DH should take his mother out to lunch so you get a break.
By the way your mil does need to wait to be invited. Just because she is grandma doesnt mean she can come over when she wants. There are boundaries and she should respect your space, and arrange a time and date that suits you & your DH best family are not entitled to see your baby whenever they want.....
SIL had no business telling such things. Just imagine if you had PND (btw. i'm not saying that you have), but if you had, that would make things so much more worse.
And if MIL has previously stated that in the "new families should be left to it in the early days", then she should remember and apply this rule in this case.
I think you should be pleased she us still excited by your child after having lots of grandchildren-you'd be miffed on behalf of your child if she wasn't bothered.
It might be a strange suggestion, but is it feasible for you to visit her? Baby will sleep in the car in the journey (maybe with a nappy/feed stop en route), you can relax and sleep while Dh drives (assuming here that he's in mat leave and you don't have other kids to deliver to school etc). That way it can be on your terms-she gets cuddles, you get to leave after an hour or so and earn some serious brownie points for the future!
Just saw your update, I wouldn't get upset with MIL, your SIL is sticking her nose in. Whilst your MIL may well have had a full blown rant re you keeping her grandchild away from her, she could also just have said in passing she was a bit disappointed and your SIL has taken offence on her behalf.
You know what threads like this make me realise what a kind dil I have. If she had excluded me from seeing my grandchild I would have been distraught. However as I said she is lovely and in fact allowed me the honour of being with her during her labour and birth. Let the woman come and see the baby.
Oh ffs the first person I'd want to see after major abdominal surgery is my mother not mil. You're recovering from surgery and juggling a newborn too, you have a right to restrict visitors to those who you feel most comfortable. That being said you must realise the fall-out will be huge by restricting dh's mother, and accept the consequences of doing so. My advice: be as polite as you can, speak to your mil and explain why you feel the way you do and hope she understands. You need to develop a thick skin about these things, you will never please everyone. As long as your partner is behind you 100% you'll be fine.
My mother stayed with me for a week post birth to support MY recovery. She rarely held baby and cooked/cleaned/helped me shower every day enabling me to enjoy time with my baby. Mil kicked off that DM was around so much so I said ok, if you're prepared to do what DM is doing that's fine, I'll happily let you swap. Unsurprisingly she settled on visiting when I was up for company and didn't need so much help!
Yabu. No visitors is fine, but to let your mum see you dd and not your mil is quite hurtful to her, she's just as much family as your mum. Your mum is no more important that your mil to dd. sil was just sticking up for her mum.
I think some grovelling is in order.
The suggestion to visit her is terrible, what if your baby hates being the car it'll be total torture as a 5 hour round trip ends up taking 10, most of which will be spent with you trying to breastfeed round a CS wound in a layby [shudders at the thought on the OPs behalf]
If I am a mil in many years time I like to think that I would be able to put my own feelings aside to give dil the space she needs for a few weeks, if that is the case. No idea whether I actually would be able to do this though!
To her credit, mil doesn't seem to be putting the pressure on at all.
"Did you have a boy? How would you feel in 30 years time if he has a baby and you're not allowed to meet your grandchild?" Oh god, please. It's not like she's stopping her from EVER seeing her grandchild. What is this obsession with seeing them so young anyway.
As a mother of a boy who will definitely be an only child i will be keeping well away from any possible grandchild until I am asked to come. it's called manners and there's no way i would assume that I be allowed to come when the children were very small.
I really hate these posts which try to guilt trip women by saying 'think about when you are a grandmother' and 'lets hope you only have sons and then you will know what it's like'. Bollox. there are a lot of very sensible, normal mothers of sons who don't pull this kind of shit on new parents.
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