To be annoyed at my SIL??

(289 Posts)
Sarah2506 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:06:23

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

plantsitter Thu 13-Jun-13 16:09:56

Aw, it's difficult. Your sil could've handled it better (a text ffs) but I do think you're being a little bit unreasonable. A week old baby and a three week old baby are so different.

Is your mum close by? Is there any way she could help by inviting your mil to stay with her so she can visit in short bursts?

Congratulations by the way!

diddl Thu 13-Jun-13 16:12:42

SIL should keep her beak out.

I can see why MIL feels snubbed/aggrieved whatever but there's a difference between your Mum & your MIL, as you say & if MIL would need to be there for a while.

How helpful would your husband be in terms of looking after his mum/keeping her out of the way if necessary/telling her to go home etc?

Its a difficult one. I can understand why your MIL might feel a bit upset that your mum has seen your DD and she hasn't. I wonder if a compromise might be better. She comes to visit for 1hr then DH takes her out for a bit e.g. for lunch whilst the baby naps and then she pops in for a short visit 30 mins before she leaves?

Congratulations flowers

Cravey Thu 13-Jun-13 16:13:35

I think you are being slightly ur the baby is your husbands child too so his mum is no doubt really excited to see and welcome the baby. The sil should have maybe called instead of texting but I do think the baby's paternal grandmother should be allowed to come and see and welcome baby. She no doubt feels pushed out and I can't say I blame her.

wigglesrock Thu 13-Jun-13 16:14:26

I think it's been handed badly. But your daughter is not any more of a grandchild to your mum than to your mil. You have to treat each grandparent the same if they want to see the baby.

Congratulations smile

ItsintheBag Thu 13-Jun-13 16:14:28

It's your child,totally up to you who you have visit but yes YABU
I think it would have easier to just let her visit you in the hospital like your mum did.
You have hurt your MIL feelings as the other GM you should at least try and treat her the same when it comes to seeing her grandchild.
Can SIL not bring her for a short visit?

daftdame Thu 13-Jun-13 16:14:58

Ignore them, see them when you feel better. They'll get over it if they want to actually have a relationship with you. Blame the hormones, recovery etc - no brainer.

AThingInYourLife Thu 13-Jun-13 16:15:19

"she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter."

confused

So she should just show up at your house unannounced whenever she feels like it?

Why not just call your MIL and explain she is welcome to make the journey, but that she'll have to keep it short.

TakingTheStairs Thu 13-Jun-13 16:15:55

To say no to all visitors is absolutely fair enough.
Why didn't you allow your MIL to visit in hospital if your DM visited?
One rule for one side of the family and another for the other side is BU

Annunziata Thu 13-Jun-13 16:16:22

Mmm the text was not good but I do think you were being UR to let one grandmother visit and keep the other away.

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 13-Jun-13 16:16:53

How long do you expect to stop your MIL seeing her new grandchild? Look at it that way.

Redtractoryellowtractor Thu 13-Jun-13 16:17:29

I would text back and say that she is welcome to come between the hours of (insert time here) but can't stay at your flat and will have to go when asked.

Flicktheswitch Thu 13-Jun-13 16:18:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabsAndTheRu Thu 13-Jun-13 16:18:53

Totally agree with TakingTheStairs

Your mil must feel really left out.

squoosh Thu 13-Jun-13 16:19:57

Ummmm I think you're being a little U.

Maybe you could have been more tactful in the way you told her to hold off for a while.

I can certainly see why she'd be a bit hurt knowing one grandmother was invited to visit whilst she was being told to stay away.

AThingInYourLife Thu 13-Jun-13 16:20:56

A woman who has just given birth has a perfect right to receive support from her own mother.

Without offering equal "access" to another woman she does not feel close to just because she is her husbands's mother.

Competitive grannying in the early days is such unkind bullshit.

BlueberryHill Thu 13-Jun-13 16:21:23

I agree with Flicktheswitch, why doesn't your husband talk to his mother, explain how you are feeling and everyone come to an agreement? I understand that you don't want a long visit, I understand that having had my ILs plus SIL and DN descend on me post c section with twins for most of a day. Apparently it was nice for me to have lots of loving family around. I went to bed.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 13-Jun-13 16:22:13

YABU

You cannot have your own Mum visiting but not your MIL, it is totally unfair. Regardless of whether you like her personally, she is a grandmother to your DD exactly the same as your Mum and you have to allow them equal access if they want it.

Having said that, your SIL shouldn't be interfering but I expect she is upset on her Mum's behalf.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 13-Jun-13 16:24:02

AThing - I doubt the MIL is wanting to support the OP, I expect she just wants a cuddle with her new granddaughter.

NatashaBee Thu 13-Jun-13 16:24:21

You are entitled to choose who you want to visit... but I can see why MIL feels a bit put out. I think Chaz's suggestion is good, if you don't want MIL sitting round the house all day. Or just tell MIL she can come for an hour, and let her decide whether it's worth making a 5 hour round trip to do that.

daftdame Thu 13-Jun-13 16:25:15

Thing is you shouldn't be expected to be reasonable when you are recovering, hormonal etc.

It is not forever. People should be sympathetic. See her when you feel up to it.

Pancakeflipper Thu 13-Jun-13 16:26:03

I think I feel sad for your MIL and for you. She is really excited about her grandchild.

Sounds like your relationship is a little wobbly with her but you will probably have to address this in future years. Somehow having children seems to highlight issues.

I think you need to tell her when she can visit so then she knows and she can plan and look forward to it.

diddl Thu 13-Jun-13 16:26:31

How is it competitive Grannying to want to see your GC?

I do think SIL was wrong-but MIL might not even know about that!

Yanbu. Your mum visited her daughter after surgery. Not necessarily as a grandmother. Don't feel pressured, and ask dh to support you in addressing his dsis bY and dm.

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