To have told friend...

(49 Posts)
Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:31:38

Ds2 (3) is S&L delayed due to spending vast amounts of time in hospital, he currently see 's his therapist once a week.

For the past few weeks he has not been wanting to go to school, however this week he has been withdrawn, crying, having disturbed sleep and talking in his sleep etc....

At home/with someone he is happy with, he is happy in his environment, plays, is basically average 3 year old with speech delay.

At nursery the difference in him is unrecognisable, he is withdrawn, won't speak, won't interact, won't answer any questions, basically is a shell of himself and speaks very little if anything. He only plays with one child which is my friends child. (Will be relevant later)

We have been trying to get to the bottom of it, and a few days ago we found out that children in his nursery class have been making fun of him/bullying him. Saying he's doesn't speak in the local accent, calling him a baby, mimicking the way he speaks, etc.....

So after speaking to ds teacher, we felt it needed to be addressed as ds confidence would be affected more so , if not addressed, teacher spoke to children involved, and I was adviced to speak to one of the parents, who I thought I was good friends with. I text her the following.

*"Hi X, i thought I'd best text you to say what's been going on with Ds in school, a couple of days ago it was brought to my attention that X and X have been making fun of Ds speech, saying things like "he doesn't speak English" he speaks like a baby" "has no friends as he talks like a baby" basically making fun of him when he's speaking, etc.... Between (teacher) and myself, we are worried incase this brings his confidence in the classroom further down as its only in the past few weeks that he's started to speak, (teacher) is going to have a word today with both Xand X, and I was told to inform you both also, with us all being friends, (childminder) is going to have a talk with X today and inform X mum) as Ds has been upset at school and has been having sisturbed aleep at night and taking about it in his sleep) at night shouting, that he isn't a baby, he can speak etc.... Just thought I'd let you know, as I don't know if (teacher) will say anything at pick up x x x"*

She went straight into the defensive, saying her child would not say some of those things, that she didn't believe me that the school asked me to have a word and that basically I am lying. For her she would tell her child to stop playing with ds, so he then isn't upset. hmm

With that I phoned the school made them aware of the situation and said I would leave it to them.

School phoned friend and basically said what I did, that they aren't overly comcerned about it, however it needed addressed as ds was hugely upset with it all.

I didn't want to make a big deal, just wanted to make them/her aware.

she text saying she has spoken to her child, and child has confirmed that nasty things have been said, and that another 2 children have been involved too, so 4 children in total of which I know off now has been making fun of ds.

Apparently I should have just let the school deal with it, and i have communication issues because I text her it, instead of addressing it with her directly, and that as far as she's concerned the teacher is happy with her child and that's all she's concerned about.

The other mum involved is mortified, and has sat down with her child and explained that name calling its nice etc... (Child hasn't been at nursery)

Was I BU, to tell her, ? I couldn't really tell her directly as I knew she would get all defensive, so I honestly thought it was best to do it by text.

She's more concerned about it being by text, than her daughters behaviour towards my child.

CrowsLanding Thu 13-Jun-13 14:40:00

What an awful situation to be in , Your poor ds.

I would be annoyed with the teacher if I was in your shoes, She should not have put you in that situation and it should have been dealt with at nursery.

I hope your ds is ok.

Flossie82 Thu 13-Jun-13 14:46:56

Sounds horrid. Hope things get better for your son soon.

However, I do think it would have been better to speak with your friend than text her. A conversation was what was needed.

lollilou Thu 13-Jun-13 14:48:45

Honestly? I don't think you should have txt her. Much better to have done it face to face where you both could've read each others reactions and discussed it. I'm sorry but a txt like that would have put me on the defensive too.
I hope your ds is ok and I can see why you are so upset though.

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:50:22

Tbh, the teacher knows we are friends and I honestly didn't think she's make such a fuss, and kick off so much, I've spoken to a few other friends, and even they said they would want to know, and they couldn't care less if it was via email, text etc... As long as they knew.

She's text before saying she is mortified that the teacher phoned her about it hmm

crumblepie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:51:56

am i reading this right , are you talking about a 3 year old child being bullied ?

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:52:09

I've left a bit out, I did see her at the school and she immediately got defensive, and said I should have just let the school deal with it.

I did, however was making her aware.

spatchcock Thu 13-Jun-13 14:52:10

I agree with lollilou, it's not a conversation that should've been had by text.

I hope this gets sorted out though and your son has a better time at nursery from now on.

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:53:28

Yes crumble, being bullied by 4 year olds, ds is the youngest in his class by a good 3 months (I think) but mentally behind as he spent a year in/out of hospital.

trackies Thu 13-Jun-13 14:53:39

wow well OP, i think your 'freinds' reaction is not about your so called 'communication issues'. It's more about her not wanting to deal with her child who is bullying your child. Have observed this at DD's school. Two kids were accused of bullying. One Mum apologised profusely and got her son to apologise. The other M and D denied that he'd do something like that. Totally different reactions.

The teacher asked you to tell her yes ? well then YANBU to tell her. Maybe text wasn't the best way, but then i'd find it very hard to have that chat face-to-face without getting my words in muddle so can see why you chose text.

Overall, i dont think you are at fault.

Altinkum, sorry to hear your Ds has trouble. sad

Sadly you will find that it is quite common for the parents of bullies whatever their age to clamp their child to their bosom and take the "not my child attitude". They rather defend their own child than try to fix a problem and teach their children how to behave. Therefore I dont understand how nursery could suggest you contact your friend. Friendships do get ruined when parents involve themselves directly.

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:57:07

I'm not very good and confr

Belchica Thu 13-Jun-13 14:57:37

Sorry but YABU to have told your friend by text.

Her child was being accused of wrong doing. She deserved a face to face, and not have it sprung on her by text. Of course she was going to get defensive. its every parents default reaction , until of course we have the facts and can make a measured response. The kids are only 3yrs and know no better. This all could have been sorted quickly, you could have seen her reaction in person and managed that accordingly.

I think she is BU to say her child will stop playing with yours. But honestly, I don't think either of you are dealing with it in a very mature manner. If she's a good friend, ask her out for a coffee and admit you should have spoken to her in person and put your kids and their friendship first. Sounds like your DS will really miss out if you don't.

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 14:58:11

I'm not very good at confrontation, after I seem her at the school I was left shaking and crying. However I knew her reaction would be to immediately be defensive.

The teacher should never have told you to text her imo, the school should have dealt with it, it is a delicate situation that they as professionals should deal with. Having said that how awful for you poor ds to have been bullied, bless him (awful for you too).

DiscoDonkey Thu 13-Jun-13 14:59:06

School was out of line telling you to text/speak to her. I think you should have had a face to face conversation rather than text.
Personally in future if it is going on at school I would expect the teachers to deal with getting it stopped including talking to the parents involved.

I hope the school are doing everything they can to nip this in the bud for your little lad though.

thebody Thu 13-Jun-13 14:59:16

I certainly don't think the school should have asked you to speak to the parents at all.

Bullying at school should be dealt with by the teachers and the teachers should have dealt with the children and informed their parents about it.

You shouldn't have been asked to text( bit rude) any if them or been involved other than to have been informed of the schools action plan to deal with this.

Poor decisions all round.

Your poor boy. Hope gets sorted soon.

crumblepie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:59:30

i kept rereading it thinking i got the age wrong ,i cant believe bullying starts as young as this , i think you did the right thing ,if you said anything to her face she might of got even more defensive ,if i got a txt i would of rung the parent back straight away and try to arrange a meet with the kids to sort it out ,really hope it gets sorted for your sons sake , it is an awful start to his schooling , poor thing .

Hullygully Thu 13-Jun-13 14:59:44

she is a right cunt

poor you and poor ds.

Hullygully Thu 13-Jun-13 15:00:05

school out of order too tho.

I don't think that it should of been dealt with via a txt.

Face to face communication, is always needed for such a serious matter, or at least a phone call.

I can see why she would get defensive,they are four years old and whilst the behaviour isn't acceptable, a txt shouldn't have been sent.

I would feel as though the teacher has made up her mind what is happening and told you what to do about it, rather than ask the children and inform the parents, which would of been the best way to handle it.

She just feels a bit attacked and her child gossiped about.

Primarily it should be dealt with by the teacher. I am not sure if the child minder should be talking to the child before the parent is fully informed what has happened.

Altinkum Thu 13-Jun-13 15:09:15

From what I know is going to happen from now on is, that teacher is going to keep a eye in him, and the others involved.

Friend has said, teacher has spoken to her child and teacher is happy with it all. Friends child has admitted it and said a few others were involved also.

Childminder emailed X mum, (child wasn't with childminder at this point) who spoke to the child, and that she was going to address similar with her mindee, as similar incidents have been happening when child in her care.

Basically I've been told by the school thy will keep a eye on things.

Sorry this is happening. It is so painful when you see your child being hurt.

Have you thought about a communication course? I work with facilitators who teach really simple methods of having a difficult conversation. Rule one is have difficult conversations directly (not by text or similar).

I think it is you who was having issues at work as well. Some simple communications/conflict management/assertiveness training might be great. I'm not saying this to be holier than thou. I used some of their techniques recently and was amazed how different the conversation went than I expected. I'm not in the UK but there will be courses near you.

Glad things are looking like the teacher is dealing with this a little.

SarahAndFuck Thu 13-Jun-13 15:29:26

I think you need to speak to the school again OP.

Because this - "and that as far as she's concerned the teacher is happy with her child and that's all she's concerned about." - is a worry.

Whatever they have said to her, all she has taken on board is that they are happy with her child. She's not going to do anything about the way her child is treating yours if this is what she thinks.

It might be best if the school speaks to all of you, one to one and then together, to get this issue sorted out once and for all.

That way there is no misunderstanding or "well the school said this to me so I don't know why they said that to you..."

I think I might put everything down in writing to the school so it is documented.

You don't have to go into great detail, something as simple as reminding them of your DS's S&L issues and then a bullet point list with dates and names along the lines of:

X Date - DS started to show reluctance to come to school and behaved differently at school to at home, becoming withdrawn and unhappy in class.

X Date - We realised DS was becoming withdrawn at home and he started to cry because he didn't want to come to school. He has also had disturbed sleep and been very upset and unhappy.

X Date - DS finally told us these children <names> are bullying and teasing him on a daily basis by saying <examples of name calling etc>.

X Date - Spoke to DS's teacher, <name of teacher>, who advised me to speak to the other parents and that she would do the same.

X Date - received positive response from one parent but negative response from another, who claims the school are happy with her child and that is all she is concerned about.

Then state what you want to happen next and what you want the school to do to protect your child in future. And ask them to reply by a certain date.

She can stick her head in the sand all she likes, but your priority is your son and it's best to document anything like this. And if she won't deal with the issue, the school need to be aware of that. The teacher's solution to the problem, having you speak to her, hasn't worked so you need to take it further with the school so there's no ambiguity in the future and they can't claim that they thought the issue was dealt with satisfactorily now.

I hope you can get it sorted out.

Hullygully Thu 13-Jun-13 15:31:11

yy that ^^

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