To just ignore DM until she shuts up?

(36 Posts)
Idrinksquash Wed 12-Jun-13 22:31:33

An a regular but have name changed because I post way too much about my personal life on here. Pombears and squash are the work of the devil and such.

Bit of background, DM is very opinionated, always right and shouts until you cave in or run off crying. She has always had an 'I'm the parent and you're the child' mentality and has never really appreciated that I am an adult now. I have always felt incredibly responsible for her emotions, wanting to keep her happy etc, she had a very traumatic childhood and I feel sorry for her.

She has an uncontrollable temper in which all rationality goes out of the window, usually along with the possessions of whomever she is angry with. She kicked me out when I was 16, I'm now 23 with a professional career as a nurse.

Anyways, thanks if you're still reading! PFB is 10 weeks old. All throughout my pregnancy DM told me there was no point me trying to BF because she couldn't. No milk apparently. Well, with a lot of help from the HCP's DD is EBF. DM now admitted that she never tried, which is fine. I fully support anyone having a right to choose what they do with their own bodies.

However DM is constantly saying I should just get her on a bottle and get my life back, that my boobs are 'udders' and seeking reassurance that I won't be BF at 8 months etc (with any luck I will be).

She is also pressuring me to wean already giving loads of unwanted tips on purees etc and laughing at my plans of BLW. As well as insisting DD will choke and die.

I would smile and nod but it's just not enough for her. She always dismisses my plans and says 'you were FF and weaned at 2 months and you were fine'. I wasn't, I was a very sickly baby, child and adult. That may not have been due to anything she did but yesterday I ran out of patience and told her that. I reassured her that she just did what she thought was best at the time but that I didn't want to hear any more criticism because I was confident in my abilities to raise DD.

I didn't even go to antenatal classes because I didn't want any advice as to how to raise my child. DM knows this.

Anyways today she sends me a barrage of abuse on Facebook as to how I'm a terrible daughter, she spent all last night in tears because I think I'm so much better than her as a parent and I humiliate her etc.

I apologised that she felt offended but reiterated that I would not be discussing the upbringing of my child anymore. That wasn't acceptable and now I'm the worlds worst person and I'm gonna kill DD by co-sleeping. We don't cosleep confused

I ignored her messages and just kept saying I will talk to her when she has calmed down. But I can't shake te guilty feeling that she's upset and it's my fault. She won't talk to me for ages now, will tell DF it's all my fault and DD will miss out on seeing her GP's for ages.

AIBU to leave her this upset? This is the second time I've really stood my ground and it's awfully shaky.

Idrinksquash Wed 12-Jun-13 22:32:12

Jesus Christ that's long. So sorry if you've wasted your life reading all of that!

Oldraver Wed 12-Jun-13 22:35:12

Your DD will not miss out being around this woman.

DorisIsWaiting Wed 12-Jun-13 22:46:59

Your dd will not know who she sees (apart from you and poss your dp).

Use this time wisely, if she chooses to tantrum treat her like a toddler (view it as practice for the future grin) ignore ignore ignore. She needs to learn that this is your child and her way is NOT best, this may be an easy (or more likely) a difficult lesson for her.

If your DF can not see past her manipulation then he is as bad.

Why do you need to feel guilty?

DorisIsWaiting Wed 12-Jun-13 22:48:17

Have you thought of looking at the stately homes threads... if this is the first time you've stood up to her you might get more support from others who have 'difficult' relationships with their parents.

deleted203 Wed 12-Jun-13 22:52:52

Ignore. Doris gives wise advice, I think. Your DM sounds a complete nightmare and I cannot see why you should feel guilty in any way. This is not a normal way to deal with people (I mean the way your DM carries on). Personally I think she is very lucky that you are prepared to accept her in your life in any way, shape or form.

But she does need to accept that this is your child, and will be brought up in the way you think is best. I would de-friend her from Facebook if she is going to send a barrage of abuse.

cjel Wed 12-Jun-13 22:55:38

I think it could be the start of a long slog for you, now you have PFB to put 1st and dm won't like it, you will have strength to do it though. DON'T DON'Tfeel guilty, she is wrong. DON'T DON'T contact or engage in any conversations. you have said all you need to say. try not to worry about dd missing them, she won't know that they aren't there. Be kind to yourself, this is a very manipulative woman who can only manipulate it you let her.xx

Idrinksquash Wed 12-Jun-13 22:59:45

I think my guilt stems from my responsibility for her emotions. My biological father was abusive and she left him when I was a few days old, when her motherly instinct to protect me kicked in. She spent a long time in women's refuges, Bedsits etc and I guess I just feel like I should be eternally grateful for the sacrifices she has made. To this day she reminds me how she has given up everything for me.

Idrinksquash Wed 12-Jun-13 23:02:38

Posted too soon!

Obviously I know that it is wrong to make your kids feel responsible for your emotions, but it's so deeply etched in to the way we interact with each other I feel like I've unleashed a whole load of crazy I'm not quite prepared for.

cjel Wed 12-Jun-13 23:03:52

oh dear,I'd say that you have more than paid back your saintly mother and would like to give you permission to let that go and start to be a great mum who will not repeat this problem with her ddsmile

bolshieoldcow Wed 12-Jun-13 23:05:35

I don't think you should feel responsible for her emotions. Leaving an abusive relationship was the best thing she could do for you and herself. Now you're the one making choices for yourself and your new DD (and congratulations btw flowers)

Stay strong and take care of yourself. These early days are hard enough without aggro from the very people supposed to love and support you.

TheUnstoppableWindmill Wed 12-Jun-13 23:09:30

The choices she made back then, even if they were made with the aim of protecting you, were her choices, not yours; you are not responsible for her.
I think that The important thing is for you to enjoy this time with your baby, trust your instincts and do what you think is right with regards to your own child. Congratulations on your little one.

LeGavrOrf Wed 12-Jun-13 23:13:46

Oh bless you. You are so you and seem to feel so obligated about your mum. This is when she should be nurturing you and supporting you, not criticising all you are doing.

I think you should carry on being strong. You are makng your choices, sh has made hers, you don't have to do what she tells you. If she weeps and wails then that is her lookout (I know this is easiest said than done)

CruCru Wed 12-Jun-13 23:15:45

Defriend her on FB - that sort of thing should be for fun. It isn't if you are getting abused on it.

Yes, carry on ignoring her. Do you have siblings?

wharrgarbl Wed 12-Jun-13 23:23:27

Time to separate a bit, I think. As previous posters have said, her earlier decisions were just that, hers, and she didn't leave an abusive partner just for you.
You don't have to put up with any of this.

runningonwillpower Wed 12-Jun-13 23:27:28

You are being unreasonable - in your mother's eyes.

Look at it from her point of view. Up until now she has pulled the emotional strings and you have responded as programmed. Of course she's angry if you go against the programme.

To some extent it doesn't really matter why your mum needs to control you (although it helps you to deal with it if you are sympathetic). The real issue is that you have a controlling mother and you need to break the cycle now.

You can't change your mother's behaviour. You can only change how you respond to it.

And believe me, your mum has programmed you to respond to feelings of guilt. Don't let that control you.

Good luck

She should be grateful to you for getting her out of the situation she was in. Not great logic, but certainly as good as hers is.

Now is the time you can change things. You are now a parent and you call the shots with your child (and your baby's DF of course). You can turn things around. My DM gave me lots of 'helpful' pieces of 'advice' until I cracked, called DH and burst into tears on the phone. blush She then told me that I was a better mother than her. All the advice was guilt and pain and worry. Just like your DM although yours will never admit it.

MrsVJDay Thu 13-Jun-13 03:42:15

I feel for you feeling bad for her. But you know, don't you, that you haven't done anything wrong by her. And it's really sad that you felt you couldn't even go to antenatal classes cos you couldn't handle being 'told' what's helpful for you wee baby.

We had a similar situation with dh's family and dealt with it by continuing to engage and contact them as if they were behaving normally and simply ignoring any aggressive/inappropriate responses - my dh was all for ignoring them full stop when they went 'off the reservation' but I have continued to send the normal updates and photos etc and things have (kind of) settled down. Good luck, I know how hurtful it is

MammaTJ Thu 13-Jun-13 05:27:13

My DM is not quite this bad, but can be a bit PA with sulking. A few months ago, she had a sulk over nothing very much. I just calmly said 'Mum, sulk if you need to, that is fine, but please remember, it didn't work as a way of communicating when I was a teen, it certainly will not work now I am in my 40s'. She took a few minutes out, then returned with a much better attitude.

Hopefully, you standing up to your DM will make this happen to her too.

She has made her choices, you make yours. Do not let her dictate to you or change your mind on things. If you do, she will continue through until your child is a teen and undermine you with serious decisions. She will also affect their life in the same way as yours. In the same way she protected you from your Dad, you need to protect your child from her.

Oscalito Thu 13-Jun-13 05:58:33

From what I've read on here and experienced myself some of the more controlling mothers really, really struggle when their daughters have babies of their own. It's as if they see the baby as their possession and cannot tolerate being told by their formerly obedient daughter that, actually, she is the mother now and will be doing things her way. And for the daughter it seems to be a wakeup call - you realise that your mother isn't right about everything and shouldn't automatically be obeyed and it turns into quite a struggle.

I may be projecting a fair bit here...! But this all sounds familiar to me, particularly the undermining and the weirdness around breastfeeding - my mother didn't BF and didn't really understand the need for a BF baby and its mother to be pretty much inseparable for the first few months. It sounds like she is suffering from the green-eyed monster, too, which is weird when it's your own mother but also quite common.

anyway would second what other posters have said about coming over to the Stately Homes thread. If your mother is causing you problems you'll find plenty of empathy and advice over there.

Layl77 Thu 13-Jun-13 06:14:10

I think if tell her what you think. Everything though!
And then see how she reacts, if she's still th same give her a wide birth. Then she's had an opportunity to change but hasn't taken you up on it. It's all you can do.
Times have changed, you're trying to do best for your baby. She would make a good MIL!!

Squishsquash Thu 13-Jun-13 06:42:09

YADNBU leaving her upset because she's made herself upset by expecting you to pander to her insecurities and demands rather than putting your dd first. If she insists on pushing against you and getting upset when you put your foot down then you've got no option but to leave her to it.

FWIW I was in a very similar situation to your DM, left an abusive marriage with a young dd, had a very hard time for a few years trying to get my life back together and dd will probably be starting her own adult life by the time I really finish, and I feel very sad that I've probably missed out on what I really wanted from life (not that I'd swap dd for anything). BUT none of that is dd's fault or for her to pay back in any way. I really hope that she never feels she has to pay me back, or if she does that she lives her life exactly how she wants to make up for the fact I didn't. If anything, I owe her because she gave me the push to make my life better. I hope I'd never be selfish enough to put my wants above her and her dc's needs then complain because she objected.

ZillionChocolate Thu 13-Jun-13 06:52:37

I don't see much evidence of her giving up everything for you. She gave up an abusive relationship? Big deal! I don't want to get into victim blaming, but as between you and her, it was her poor choice of partner that was the problem. You had no choices and no control. You would give up anything now for DD (I presume) because you are her mother and that's your role.

By trying to ram her incorrect, unsolicited and unwanted advice down your throat, she has made you chose to reject it. She has brought this on herself. Your only alternative was to accept that her way is best when it's plainly not. She should be embarrassed and guilty about this situation but it is entirely of her own making. Do not engage.

YANBU!

exoticfruits Thu 13-Jun-13 06:55:53

You have done the right thing by standing your ground. Of course she is upset, but she will get over it and you will have broken the pattern. If you cave in, which is what she expects and is angling for, you will be stuck with the same pattern for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter if the baby doesn't see her for a while- she isn't of an age to notice and I have no doubt she will have come round by the time she is old enough. It isn't healthy for your DD to witness the present relationship and you need to get it onto an adult level.
If you have a mother like that there comes a time where you need to stand up to them and stop looking for excuses for their behaviour. She didn't 'give up everything for you'- she was the parent and it was her job to protect you- she put you in the position in the first place!

I know that 'she would make a good MIL' was a joke but I do rather resent the implication that mothers of DDs are wonderful, natural mothers and yet mothers of DSs are dreadful, manipulative women! Mothers of DDs are generally MIL too!

IceNoSlice Thu 13-Jun-13 07:07:15

flowers OP

FWIW you're doing a great job with your DD and make sure you remember that. Perhaps your DP can provide the reassurance you should be getting from your DM, rather than the criticism she dishes out.

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