To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

(302 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 15:13:00

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

lechatnoir Sun 16-Jun-13 11:01:28

What happened on Mother's Day op? Did you have a whole day doing nothing? You don't even need to answer because we all know that would never happen so regardless if it being Father's Day I'd be trotting out the door ALONE right about now & wishing DH a lovely day with his children...

Please book yourself in overnight after your op otherwise you know without any doubt that you'll be left doing everything hmm

HumphreyCobbler Sun 16-Jun-13 11:07:14

hold on to that righteous anger ariane5

travellingwilbury Sun 16-Jun-13 11:24:20

He is testing you , he is waiting for you to fall back to your normal pattern of things . But you aren't going to and I think this is freaking him out slightly .

Just continue doing what you are doing , he can do this stuff when he wants to , he just generally doesn't want to . He would rather watch you make yourself ill than make more effort himself .

Sorry but he sounds like a brat , and him telling you all the things his mum did for him is just him making more excuses for his shite behaviour .

Nothing is his fault , he is blaming his mum and you are blaming yourself . Meanwhile he gets to cop out .

travellingwilbury Sun 16-Jun-13 11:27:53

And I would make sure you explained to the hospital exactly what you will have to deal with when you are discharged and ask if you can stay in overnight .

The man needs a sodding wake up call !

diddl Sun 16-Jun-13 11:33:17

Oh bloody hell.

Well, I supposed it wasn't going to happen overnight.

But he does have to manage today as you want a break.

ariane5
I like your new found attitude; you don't get to pick and choose how much or how little you do so why should he. He also chose to have 4 children so he has to deal with it.

I would consider an overnight stay if he thinks you are going to step in after a GA.

MammaTJ Sun 16-Jun-13 11:46:55

Oh my!! My ExH was a man who had been spoiled by his mother. I remember my own DM visiting and being shocked when I asked him, when he was stood right by the bag of potatoes, to pass them to me and he told me to get them myself. I just got on with it, because the agrument was not worth the hassle. However, long term, it would have been better to argue and sort things out.

One further thought. I wouldn't be surprised given what you say about his mum if he thinks the housework and children are your job and that when he helps out he is doing you "a favour". He needs to understand its as much his you as yours.
Look out for phrases like
- I helped you with the hoovering
- I put the washing on for you
i.e. it's really your job

SplitHeadGirl Sun 16-Jun-13 11:52:49

Oh my gosh...just read this thread. I am so angry on your behalf OP!! WHAT an entitled man!!! He sounds like such a prince (not blaming anyone other than himself but his mother did not help in shaping this man to be the prize idiot he is). I think you have an uphill battle with this one, and at the same time it should not be YOUR responsibility to get him to change. It is obvious you work so hard out of love for your family and esp. your children, and it is difficult to not take over and do so much when you love them so much.

But honestly, your OH needs to just get on with it and stop making excuses. He is so entitled....and entitled men really can be a scourge, on their partners, their children and on society. Really - would you be worse off alone??

manticlimactic Sun 16-Jun-13 12:19:19

He want to do nothing on Fathers day? He isn't a father in any way other than a biological one.

Ledkr Sun 16-Jun-13 13:52:01

He's a massive bellend op.
He can't manage all the dc on a normal day but you have to after surgery.
I'm having minor surgery soon and haven't even considered what ill do about the children.
Dh will simply take over because he's their dad and he loves and cares about me.
That is sadly what I think your dh is lacking, actual care, love and concern for you.
You wouldn't expect your worst enemy to care for four kids after surgery never mind your own wife.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 16-Jun-13 16:00:18

Ariane good luck with your strike. He sounds like an utter bellend.

I had a hysteroscopy without a biopsy not long ago and I was wiped out for days. That's without a household to run, or 4 DC to look after.

Be kind to yourself xxx

ariane5 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:15:01

What a day.

I've done NO housework and pretty much left dh to it just to prove my point. To be fair he has done everything (and managed fine) but seems a bit sulky. He will get over it though.

It was our wedding anniversary today (1st) dh got me and card, as did my dm and dsis. Everybody else forgot, not one member of dh family remembered although I didn't expect them too as they are not keen on me.
I feel like I've had a slightly easier day today at least with less to do !

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 16-Jun-13 20:50:00

If he says one word then pull him to one side and say this;

You have 4 children. I have to manage them all by myself when you are at work. I'll have to manage them all by myself day and night when you swan off to France for 10 days. Pull yourself together and grow up. I do not have the time or the inclination to parent a fifth child. If you don't care or respect me to want to be an EQUAL parent, then you know where the door is.

Well now you know he can manage and he knows you know. No excuses for him now when you go into hospital.
Another step forward.

ariane5 Sun 16-Jun-13 22:00:43

I am feeling a little guilty (but not showing it to dh) as he is in agony (he also has eds) after a day looking after dcs taking ds2 for a walk earlier and bathing him in our teeny bathroom has caused him severe knee and back pain.

He seems to be in agony, I've tried to play it down-suggested nurofen and a bath but he's just looking sorry for himself. The thing is I'm permanently exhausted so although I care that he's not well I feel if I show too much sympathy he will use it as an excuse.

HowlerMonkey Sun 16-Jun-13 22:28:55

Hi Ariane, just read this all the way through and I'm so glad you are taking a firm stand. It needs to be done, for the sake of your sanity.

When my DH struggles with the DC, I have started to follow a simple rule: I ask myself "What would DH do in this situation if our positions were reversed?" If the answer is "He'd leave me to struggle" then that's what I do to him. It makes me feel like a right bitch but otherwise I'd end up doing 90% of the parenting. You have to look after yourself too - running yourself completely into the ground will not do your or your family any good in the long run.

Please continue in this strong vein, it is heartening to see! grin

TheSecondComing Sun 16-Jun-13 23:29:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chillinwithmyyonis Mon 17-Jun-13 00:37:53

Keep your mind focused on your upcoming surgery, you cannot let anything stand in the way, remember you've been advised its urgent so if not now, when. When you go, leave dh with a idiot-proof list of things that need doing or reminders so he has no excuse of not knowing what to do. If you have no guarantee that he'll help once you're home, it'll be safer all round if you stay in hospital.

MammaTJ Mon 17-Jun-13 04:14:17

Don't cave in. You have all of us cheering you on!!

SugarPasteGreyhound Mon 17-Jun-13 08:42:43

He wasn't too bothered when you were exhausted and at the end of your tether though, was he?

It's so hard, but you have to be tough. Ignore the sighing and the puppy dog eyes and let him get on with it. If he moans, then ask him why it's alright for you to be knackered and in pain, but not him?

You have to be rock solid on this; it's not about being unkind, it's about being fair. Which is why it is important that you challenge any complaints from him. Why is it OK for him to sit back and watch you struggle.

Oh, and I would seriously sort yourself out with time away. If he is buggering off for 10 days then make sure you get an equal break. He is their - he is just as responsible for parenting them as you.

I do feel for you, but I can't help thinking that you would be less tired and stressed if your H was stepping up and doing his bit.

SugarPasteGreyhound Mon 17-Jun-13 08:44:25

Bloody tablet, that should say that he is their father.

Ledkr Mon 17-Jun-13 13:10:34

Tell him it's practice for when you are RESTING AFTER SURGERY
What is eds? Btw.
Lots of parents look after kids with less than perfect health themselves as you know only too well.
Another idea is to maybe demonstrate some kindness to show him what it looks like.

ariane5 Mon 17-Jun-13 14:15:39

EDS-Ehlers danlos syndrome (hypermobility type) is a genetic condituon affecting all connective tissue. Symptoms include pain,fatigue and frequent dislocations (dh suffers with daily knee dislocations).
Dcs also have it (severely as I do too and they have got it from us both) also they have other associated conditions (pectus excavatum-dh,dd1 and ds2 have this-a misshapen ribcage and dd1 has pots causing faints/dizziness).

I do recognise that dh has pain issues which obviously I don't want to make worse but all of us have the same problems so the situation is different to how it would be if only 1 of us had health issues. We all have pain but we all have to do things to help.
Don't get me wrong I do love dh but things need to be more equal.

Ledkr Mon 17-Jun-13 18:11:17

Absolutely! That is the key factor,fairness.
As a sufferer he should surely have more empathy. X understanding if your need for help as well.
Hope it's all going ok.

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