to think that I/we are being pushed out?

(383 Posts)
HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 17:35:15

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 19:26:44

*it is tricky to complain about it without seeming whiney, possessive, jealous, petty etc, when you just know that shit is going down.
People don't like to get involved either, because on the surface of it, the Wendy is not doing anything wrong...which is what they bank on*

This is exactly it Pictish. I will sound like such a nob if I start bleating on about not being invited because she can absolutely invite who she likes, she doesn't need to invite me to anything at all! And from about the first couple of weeks I just knew that this woman was going to do this kind of thing. I don't know why, I just had a feeling about it.

CelticPixie Mon 10-Jun-13 19:35:09

Harry, is there a chance that you are invited and they haven't bothered to let you know? Or maybe it's just an open invite for the whole gang?

SplitHeadGirl Mon 10-Jun-13 19:39:02

This happened to me years ago. I didn't fight back (it was at a very vulnerable, low point in my life) and just hoped that the other girl would grow to like me the way she liked the other girls in the group. She didn't - she got worse and worse and made me not want to hang out with the group at all. No one seemed to notice, and I never mentioned it, and as a result I drifted away from the group. Now I never see them. In one sense I am sad, and definitely annoyed I let her treat me like that - but more I am sad that not one of my friends even noticed.

Crowler Mon 10-Jun-13 19:39:53

What's a Wendy?

OP, I feel for you. You're not being whiny. If this friendship meant a lot to me, I would probably ask the hostess why I wasn't invited.

Good luck.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 19:40:49

A Wendy is a woman who you are friends with, that you introduce to your social circle with good intentions, and who then becomes great pals with everyone , to the exclusion of the very person who was the common factor in the first place...ie you!
Once they have charmed the pants off their chosen subjects and got their claws under the table, they begin systematically making sure that they replace you in the affections of your favourite friends. They use subtle and seemingly innocent exclusions here, tiny concerned-sounding digs there, flattery and guile, while becoming the best friend your own friends have ever had. She laughs at their jokes, offers favours, conmpliments their taste and agrees with their views.
She is so skilled your friends don't notice the shift in balance, until eventually you find you are being slowly frozen out. Wendy behaves as if she's known them forever and you are the interloper.
Then when you can take it no longer and you voice your concern, somehow it is you with the problem.

The term Wendy came from a thread on here where a poster had one of these scenarios going down...and she used the name Wendy for the cuckoo in her nest.

A good few of us knew of what she spoke, and Wendy was born.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 20:00:17

And to add...it's not a jealousy thing from your own pov either, because you are more than happy to widen your social circle...the more the merrier. That's how I am. You introduce them pleased to share.

It is Wendy who cannot play nicely.
It's her in, you out.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 20:02:17

I'm not saying that is definitely the case here for the OP (don't have enough details, but I would say trust your instincts OP)...I'm just trying to define the complexities of opening the door to Wendy.

Crowler Mon 10-Jun-13 20:05:18

thank you Pictish!

What a fiendish woman.

pictish This hasn't happened to me, but I became friends with a person who was clearly being targetted by a person you call a Wendy. I saw the devastation it caused for this person. They have moved elsewhere now, and I only have intermittent contact but I know it was a hard time for them. The one you'd call a Wendy is still in thick with this person's original group of friends.

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 20:08:24

Pictish from your description it's very obvious that you've been right where I am just now. I thought that if I just banked on my friends really being my friends then they would see through her but I'm beginning to doubt that now. That saying, if they don't perhaps they are not such good friends to me after all. She is considered to be a bit of an 'airhead' by some but I actually think she is very smart at manipulating a situation just how she wants it. This whole situation is making me doubt friendships I've had for years. sad

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 20:10:21

God I'm pathetic, I'm actually tearing up now. I just feel like taking a step back as it's knocking my confidence with my own friends.

minouminou Mon 10-Jun-13 20:12:24

Is there any way you can infiltrate your Wendy's old group of chums? Find out what happened? Learn her MO?

minouminou Mon 10-Jun-13 20:14:16

Don't take a step back. Just be as blithe and breezy.....and PRESENT...as possible.

minouminou Mon 10-Jun-13 20:15:42

Also, is there one - and it only needs to be one - pivotal, trustworthy person in your group that you can tip off?
Don't do this just yet, get more evidence, then talk to that trustworthy person about it.

SplitHeadGirl Mon 10-Jun-13 20:20:55

If you take a step back, you might lose them. You could drift away from them and she could really do a number in your absence. It is a horrible situation to be in...I used to wonder what was wrong with me, that she targetted ME in that way. Nearly twenty years later, I still think about it and how she affected my confidence.

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 20:22:31

The person I trust most in the group is the one she's targeted the most. And to be honest she seems to be taken in by her at the moment because this woman has done her utmost to make sure she stays in her favour.

minouminou Mon 10-Jun-13 20:23:32

Ok, how about the most pragmatic and/or devious person, then?

"I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will of course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put."

Why the 'of course' about not saying anything? Seriously, I think you should say something, along the lines of carlywurly's suggestion - "I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster. I think you've got the chance to nip it in the bud if you start NOW. If you let it go on and on, saying nothing, she will get her way. IMO Wendys use other people's politeness as a weapon against them. She's counting on you saying nothing!

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 20:26:14

There isn't really a devious one tbh and out of everyone I'm usually the pragmatic one! grin I think that's why I'm annoyed with myself, because this situation seems to have me stumped.

minouminou Mon 10-Jun-13 20:27:59

The thing is, Wendy is, like a PP said, banking on your friends not noticing and on you sidling off. She needs these two things to happen. Your friends, right now, aren't thinking about your feelings, they're just caught up with a seemingly charming new person.
Wait for the novelty of her to wear off, and during this time, mount your own charm offensive.

aldiwhore Mon 10-Jun-13 20:30:40

Wendys thrive on the fact you're nice, too nice to ever say anything that may make waves.

She's playing a game. You have little choice to play too.

It's a horrible situation. Been there, got the 'you're fired' t-shirt.

I didn't have the back up of other friends, even some good ones (though that's arguable) and I walked away for my family's wellbeing when it became aparrant that I'd played right into her hands and BLURTED my upset whilst pissed... bad move on my part.

Whatever you don't, don't let it fester. xxx

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 20:32:06

D'you know what, fuck her. She's NOT removing me from my own network of friends. I think you're right, if I do take a step back and do nothing then my friends will think that's my choice and that's what I want. It's not.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 20:32:43

The person I trust most in the group is the one she's targeted the most. And to be honest she seems to be taken in by her at the moment because this woman has done her utmost to make sure she stays in her favour.

It's like a script they follow. My Wendy went straight for my two closest friends and did the same.

Crowler Mon 10-Jun-13 20:33:23

Yes! I like the idea of (with humor) asking her how you've offended. Like you've found the omission amusing.

Send her a text!!!

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 20:34:21

Me too Splitheadgirl.

And trust me too...I'm not one of life's moaners or dwellers...I very much live for the good stuff...but nearly 20 yrs on I still have not made my peace with what she did to me. That fire still burns.

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