to think that I/we are being pushed out?

(383 Posts)
HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 17:35:15

Sounds very childish I know but I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive.

I have a group of friends who I see regularly and sometimes our partners also get together. Sometimes we go out as couples too. Another woman who I have known for a while but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year so we started inviting her and her husband out with us, I have always got on really well with her. Recently they (the woman in particular) seem to have really taken to a particular couple in the group (my close friend) and ask them out a lot - I have absolutely NO problem with this, they can go out with whomever they want obviously, but it seems to be a little secretive on her part, though my other friend tells me. I found out at the weekend that this couple are hosting a drinks party on Friday night and have invited other members of our friendship group apart from us. I feel stupidly hurt by this and although I will off course not say anything, as its entirely up to them who they invite to their house, I feel like we're being pushed put. I probably sound jealous and childish so accept im probably being ridiculous! Am I being oversentitive?

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 10-Jun-13 18:03:25

No, you are not being oversensitive. It's natural to feel hurt when you are not invited to something that the rest of "the gang" are doing. It does sound like you are being squeezed out. Maybe it's for a specific reason, or maybe it's just for no particular reason, but it still sucks. I'm sorry.

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 18:28:00

Yep, that's what I thought! I know my other friend and I will be fine and I've no concerns about anyone else, though its embarrassing as they have all just assumed that we'll be there. I've felt for a few weeks that this woman was quite deliberately trying to build a wedge between my friend and I. I reckon these things kind of sort themselves out in the end so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

GenuineBrunetteRoots Mon 10-Jun-13 18:30:50

This is exactly the reason why I never introduce friends to each other anymore. Every time I've done so in the past, similar things have happened to me.

I think they're really out of order leaving you out, and I'm afraid it is inevitable that you will get pushed out of the friendship group as the woman sounds as though she is a bit of a social engineer. I'm thinking perhaps she is jealous of you?

phantomnamechanger Mon 10-Jun-13 18:38:21

swingers, perhaps?

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 18:39:18

She is definitely a social engineer for sure. I suppose I'm disappointed because I thought we were quite good friends but obviously not. I'm pretty sure she's not jealous of me but perhaps if my friendship with some of the others. I'm pissed off with myself for being so hurt too, I shouldn't let these things bother me I suppose.

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 18:40:34

Def not swingers phantom.

GenuineBrunetteRoots Mon 10-Jun-13 18:42:09

Well, things like that are very hurtful so it's inevitable it would get to you. It's not nice to be excluded and also not nice to have the feeling that someone is trying to push you out and take your place.

Have you considered organising something and inviting 'all the old gang' and excluding this woman? I would be tempted to do it

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 18:52:43

I did think about it Genuine but I would feel awful about leaving someone out. We've already invited them to a BBQ we're having next month (they accepted) so that makes me feel even worse.

kerala Mon 10-Jun-13 18:52:46

Yes do that fight back. She sounds like a Wendy...

GenuineBrunetteRoots Mon 10-Jun-13 18:56:23

I seriously wouldn't feel bad about it, Harry. She doesn't feel bad about excluding you....

I think if you don't put up a bit of a fight now and stand your ground and make it clear it's not acceptable then chances are she will take your friends away from you. If she is excluding you then chances are too she is slagging you off to them and trying to make them all see faults in you. That's how women like that work; they pick up on little flaws in other women, exaggerate them, and work at poisoning others against that person using those 'flaws'.

Alternatively, you could give queen bitch a call and ask if you've upset her in any way and ask why she has excluded you?

CelticPixie Mon 10-Jun-13 18:56:26

Can't you just turn up at their home on Friday anyway? I'd be so tempted to that, they are hardly likely to turn you away are they? Just make it look like you assumed you were invited as well.

RaspberrySchnapps Mon 10-Jun-13 18:57:42

a cuckoo in your nest. It's not inevitable that you are going to be pushed out of your own circle of friends though. If they love you the chances are they may suss this woman is excluding you and bin her fairly soon.

that said, TBH given the circumstances I would outright ask this woman about Friday, tell her YOUR friends have assumed you are going and are confused, ask if you have done something to upset her (head tilt concerned face). At the same time, arrange a get together with your usual gang in a few weeks time minimum but leave her out (don't slag her off, if she asks feign surprise you forgot her), arrange random meet ups/shopping/theatre/drinks with individuals whatever you usually do. if you value your friends a bit of legwork to keep them won't hurt, at worst you go down fighting for them.

consolation, if you lose these friends because some random can elbow you out, they were never worth keeping around you.

my aunt always said some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some are for life.

This makes me wonder what the falling out with her original group of friends was about.

MajorB Mon 10-Jun-13 19:02:38

Could it just be a space issue? Or wanting to invite people who have previously been the host?

Round our way there are lots of lovely couples/families we like to socialise with, but sometimes (particularly if it's a whole family event) we just don't have the space to invite everyone.

I do tend to prioritise my invitations to people who have hosted before as I like to reciprocate, and because of this I guess there is a group of us that see each other more, but it would seem wrong to me if I was inviting 5 couples for example to prioritise one whose house I'd never been invited to over another who had us round for drinks last week.

I'm not saying this is you OP, but I do know a woman who is particularly vocal about being "left out" but NEVER hosts herself!

MajorB Mon 10-Jun-13 19:03:30

Sorry, Ive just seen they've accepted an invitation to yours.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Jun-13 19:03:33

The key phrase you used was, "...but had a different friendship group had a falling out with her friends at the start of the year." This has happened to this woman before, I bet.

If she has deliberately left you out then you shouldn't invite her to your BBQ. Send her a text the night of her do and say, "Sorry, I won't be having the BBQ on X night." Then rearrange it to a different day and invite all the old crowd round.

RaspberrySchnapps Mon 10-Jun-13 19:06:31

sorry Harry, didn't see your post about barbecue in months time.

If she does have a problem with you and has deliberately excluded you, she needs to keep her issues away from your BBQ so it would be perfectly reasonable to uninvite her anyway.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 19:11:53

I too immediately wonder what her own fall out was about.

She sounds a right Wendy! Beware the Wendy!!

carlywurly Mon 10-Jun-13 19:13:22

I'd be very open with your other friends about this. If she is trying to push you out, she'll want to be as secretive as possible.

Or simply say," I heard about your party on Friday, have we done something to offend?" In the lightest tone you can muster.

I'm always suspicious of people who've had fall outs with others en masse. Do you know why she fell out with the original group?

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 19:14:14

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like a bit of an idiot actually. I feel that I've really tried to include this woman (and her family) and now she is trying to 'oust' me. The thing is, among my friends there is no Queen Bee or anything, we all just get on and have a laugh together but she appears to be trying to ingratiate herself with the ones with the flash cars and big houses (that's not us). On the one hand I want to ask her what the problem is and on the other I feel that my true friends will see her for what she is. I'm not a confrontational person at all but neither am I a pushover.

HarrySnotter Mon 10-Jun-13 19:15:50

Believe it or not, she told me that the original fallout was because she felt that her other friends were starting to leave her out of things. grin

CelticPixie Mon 10-Jun-13 19:17:15

What is a Wendy?

I think if these people are really your friends then they will see what she is up to ignore her. Why did she fall out with her other friends? I bet she tried to do the same thing to them and they closed ranks on her.

Don't let the bitch push you out. Stand your ground and let her know you won't let it happen.

GenuineBrunetteRoots Mon 10-Jun-13 19:17:19

More likely that they cottoned on to her gameplan grin

I think I would organise things and just not invite her. Do your best to exclude her from the group as much as possible.

pictish Mon 10-Jun-13 19:22:33

This type of situation is just awful. I have been there, and yes she was a Wendy and caused all kinds of trouble for me. It was a long time ago though...before kids and all that jazz.

It's very difficult because it is tricky to complain about it without seeming whiney, possessive, jealous, petty etc, when you just know that shit is going down.
People don't like to get involved either, because on the surface of it, the Wendy is not doing anything wrong...which is what they bank on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now