He has just told me its over......

[lisakelly1970]

After quite an upsetting day, my partner has just announced he has had enough of me, he cant take it anymore, i make him so unhappy.

Im so confused...the day started like this...

i got up about 8oc and turned the tv on for my little one, then went back to bed, me partner was still asleep, he got up about 9oc...around 10oc he came upstairs, this was when i asked him for a cuddle, again he dismissed me, which happens quite a lot. I dont always let it bother me but today i just wanted to feel loved, maybe felt a bit low. About an hour later he came back upstairs while i was busy in the bathroom (still upset) ,,gis a cuddle then he said as though he was doing me a favour. I looked at him and said dont worry, then began to tell him how not having a very intimate relationship is hurting me and that i cant go on forever like this, things need to change, our sex life disappeared when i fell pregnant with my third child...he is now 3. since then we are intimate once every 2/3 months, he never kisses me, well he does but its the same as when my boys kiss me goodnight. His response was "Oh stop moaning, you get on my nerves...he then went out on his bike with his friend and his girlfriend, they were gone all day, i had tried to phone him during this time but he ignored my calls. Well to cut a long story short...he came home after going out for something to eat/drink with his mate again and thats when he told me its over....he cant put up with me anymore, ive ruined his life, he was happier before he met me. im so miserable and gave the morning events, as an example. I tried to tell him how i felt and that i just wanted him to cuddle me but he wouldnt listen and said he cant take my moaning anymore. Should i have got upset over him not wanting to cuddle me..im so confused as to his response..Him leaving me will shatter my world but should i just let him go???

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Well, to put it bluntly, you can't exactly stop him.
You sound pretty depressed- not just because of the obvious, but also the lying in bed all day.
You might actually feel better when he's gone. Sorry though. You must feel utterly shit.

[squoosh]

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like he mentally checked out of the relationship years ago. He is a shit not to discuss this with you at any stage and to just land this on you after a day out with his pals.

As for 'you've ruined his life', well that is an absolutely cruel thing to say. He's an adult with freewill, he made his own choices. Does he feel the kids have ruined his life too?

It's such a cliché and I don't want to sound glib but you're life will be better in the long term without him.

I hope you have friends and family near you.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

You know if you forceably stop him its a crime don't you?

If he wants to go and feels that's that then you have no relationship anymore, is it likely he will bugger off for a few days and then change his mind?

And it won't shatter your world,you will feel crap for a while but then wonder why you were upset a crap relationship is really not better than no relationship.

[AgentZigzag]

You've said yourself he's not able to give you the things you value, I'd let him keep on walking.

Even if you patched things up, would you really want to spend time with someone where you'd be forever wondering whether you were annoying them to fuck?

You're worth more than that.

You're understandably going to panic a bit at what the future holds for you now, but your future, from where I'm standing, is looking up and is at last on its way to a place where you can feel cared for and secure

[iamadoozermum]

I'm sorry to hear that your partner has done this and I guess you are second guessing so much right now. I would agree with squoosh that he probably made this decision ages ago and I think he was probably "waiting for the right time". Do you think he might have been discussing it with his friends today? I know of someone whose husband decided when their DS was a few months old that he didn't want to be with the mother anymore but that he would hold out until DS went to school and he didn't tell her anything of his plans. First she knew of it was when he told her he'd been planning on leaving for years and that now was the time for him to go. It didn't have any effect on him because he'd mentally checked out so long before. Do you think this could be the case for you? I presumed when you asked whether you should let him go that you are wondering whether to fight for your relationship or just walk away? It might be worth just letting him go for now but try to keep the communication going, especially as you've got children and see what happens.

[SolidGoldBrass]

The only thing to do is take him at his word: the relationship is over. So when he wakes up in the morning, offer to help him pack. Then go and see a solicitor/CAB to sort out your finances. Even though you are not married, he will be obliged to pay towards the DCs' upkeep;you will get tax credits/benefits etc.

If he doesn't actually want to leave but wants you to scurry round doing your best to please him and 'keep' him then the best possible reaction is still taking him at his word and calmly helping him pack. If he's been treating you with indifference and contempt for a couple of years you will actually be happier and better off without him anyway.

[zipzap]

Horrible but think of yourself and your dc first...

Look at your joint accounts and pull out any money you need/feel is your share/whole lot if he has laid this shock on you. You don't want to be panicking about money because you can't pay bills and are going to get cut off when he has emptied the joint account and appropriated all the savings.

Find all the important paperwork - passports, house deeds, bank statements etc and put them somewhere safe. Copy his wage slips if possible while they are still in the house and you have access to them. Make sure that you speak to the bank and check that he can't change passwords on things you should both have access to.

Do you think he has got involved with someone else? Don't know if it is a good idea to snoop for clues or evidence in case/when it goes to sorting out divorce.

I'm sure there will be plenty of others who will be able to offer more practical advice.

[yaimee]

If someone wants to walk out of your life then let them keep on walking.
Hold your head high, keep your chin up and look forward to better things.
There are plenty of cuddles and love out there for you, if that's what you want, go get them!

[ApocalypseThen]

I assume he's leaving the kids with you? Wouldn't it be great to have the freedom to walk away from the family home knowing that your responsiblities will automatically be picked up?

[FarBetterNow]

Lisa: he's a man child.
Off with his mates on bikes, escaping from the kids.

You are Well Rid.

Best wishes to you.

[theoriginalmrstiredandconfused]

solidgoldbrass has hit the nail on the head - you're so obviously unhappy, it sounds like you're having to tip toe around him even at the best of times - trust me, YOU COULD BE SO MUCH HAPPIER.

Without wishing to sound harsh, something has to happen - either you split up or you stay together and he starts treating you better. Either way, you can't go on as you are. The only way the latter will happen is if you go along with it - don't beg him, just pack his stuff up and tell him he has to move out. He'll soon realise what he's lost

[Ledkr]

apocolypse I always think that!!

[frustratedashell]

The general opinion here seems to be let him go, you deserve better. I totally agree. He doesn't sound like he's much of a father or partner. If you practically have to beg for affection its just wrong! You will be better off without him, hard to accept maybe just at the moment I know. But you deserve to be happy and he's not making you happy is he? Be strong, let him go. Focus on your children.you will get through this. X

[scaevola]

Don't divert your thinking into confusion about what happened yesterday. It's nothing to do with the events of that day.

He wants to leave - so he needs to go. Either it's over, in which case you need to get on with it. Or it's a genuine wobble, in which case he needs to see what he stands to lose, and you need the time/space to work through it properly. Though it's wildly self-indulgent for someone to do this, and is in itself a sign that he's game playing and you're better off without.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Solidgold is spot on. everybody is really.
It IS nothing to do with yesterday. He has NOT only just decided this.
I think you ought to brace yourself for the fact that, ime, men almost never leave to go be on their own. They usually wait until they have another woman lined up. I hope for your sake I am wrong. I dont think I am though.i can remember being in a relationship that was abusive ( not saying yours was) and being so broken down emotionally that I had to beg for affection.
I can't believe that was even me now. I am alone at the moment, but its so much better.

What Apocolyspe said about how nice to just leave knowing everything at home will be taken care of reminds me of that joke where a man sits his wife down after 20 years
of marriage and explains that he has met someone else, and, while he will always think fondly of his wife, the mother of his 3 teenage children, he must go and be with his new love.
The wife nods sympathetically with a tear in her eye and says " i understand. I can't stop you. I'll just go and pack the kid's things."
Stay strong Op. Cuddle the kids-they love you. Find your inner diva, whack on the Gloria gaynor and get yourself to the solicitor.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Hah! Can't seem to master commas on my phone!

[maddening]

Nothing you did that morning caused this - he sounds like he detached from the relationship a while ago (I would wonder about any possibility of an OW)

He has been making you miserable - you will grieve for this relationship but after that you will feel better - definitely get counselling to facilitate this process.

Put on a strong front in front of him (put "keep on walking" on the cd player as he leaves). Then let anger carry you on - much more positive than wallowing. Don't beg him.

Think now about a support system - friends and family - get mobilised.

[IneedAyoniNickname]

Oh sweetheart :(
This is so similar to what happened with me and the ex. I thought my world was over. But now I couldn't be happier, I've realised what a waste of space he was/is and how much he dragged me down.

Yes it will be hard to start with, but it sounds like you'll be much better off in the long run!

and ((hugs))

[maddening]

Ps maybe get this moved to relationships - I think you will get some fab support

[WafflyVersatile]

Doesn't sound like either of you have been happy for a while and if it's his choice that it's over then you have to accept that.

I'm sorry that your marriage has come to this but in a while your future will look brighter than it does today or yesterday when you thought you would still be together in the years to come.

[zipzap]

He's decided what he wanted a long time ago but doesn't want to be the one at fault so he's waited, laid his plans until he is ready and then waited for a moment until he can turn it all around onto you and say 'it's all your fault'.

It's not.

He's probably hoping that you beg him to stay - which will give him nice feelings of power, control and so on over you. Because then if he does happen to stay or come back and when he wants out again, he'll again be able to blame it all on you by saying that he only stayed because you asked him to. Even if he doesn't want to stay, he'll still want you to beg because he still gets the nice ego stroke from you wanting him to stay and the power trip from being able to say NO.

So don't beg him or give him that power - just tell him fine, go. And then see how he struggles when he suddenly realises he has to find accommodation and start sorting out his own life and looking after himself.

I know it's horrible and will shatter your world - but it sounds like he has already shattered it by saying this, do you think you will ever have the good back with him that you once had? Or take a deep breath and give yourself a couple of years to find a better life without him to make it miserable.

I would also be tempted, if he starts saying nasty things, to make sure you counter them in some way, just so he can't turn around and think that you agree with him because you haven't said anything. So if he says you are moaning at him, say that you were trying to talk as he never listens and he's the one moaning now. Or if he says that you've ruined his life, tell him that he doesn't seem to be worrying about ruining your life now.

Take care of yourself and the dc - that's the important thing now

[lisakelly1970]

OMG...i am overwhelmed with all your responses...Thank you all...your comments have made me realise that "Yes" there is a life for me after this relationship and i will get through this, as hard as it seems now. When im feeling low, i will come back and read your comments time and time again...so thank you again and again Kind Regards Lisa xxx

[LilyAmaryllis]

How has it gone today? Are you OK?