DM and my inlaws - who is BU?

(36 Posts)

My DM has reduced me to tears yet again - nearly 30, and she still has that power hmm I know it's pathetic, but please don't hold it against me. smile

My DM does not like my inlaws. She can just about tolerate DMIL, thinks she's a lovely person (she is!), but hates DFIL. Tbf, he can be socially awkward - he doesn't really get some social niceties, but he is a lovely man who'd do anything for his family, and he doesn't mean to be an arsehole (which I am aware some of the stuff he inadvertently does can come across as).

Anyway, especially since having my two DC, my
DM has become extremely jealous of my inlaws, as they choose to use their holidays to come and stay with us (we stay three hours from where we both were brought up), rather than go abroad. They come at least once a month, they generally come for a week at least once or twice a year. I enjoy having them. They're good company, great with our DC, and a pleasure to have.

My parents also both work, and DM has her own business, which is quite reliant on her. As such, they can't come at weekends as often as it means her losing money. They also choose to have their holidays abroad.

We are going with them on Friday on holiday, but my inlaws came yesterday afternoon to see us until tomorrow. A last minute visit which I'm very grateful for, as both DC had a bad night, and they took 2 yo DS this morning at 6:30 so we could catch up on sleep.

DM has just told me she can't be bothered with me, can't believe I didn't tell her they came down, that I made her look like an arsehole because she saw a pic of us on Facebook together. hmm

This has been building for a while. She was pissed off DMIL came down for a week to help me after dd was born - she 'stole' my DM place (DM came back later - was here for birth and actually with DH and I as I had both DC!).

She thinks that when we go back up to our birth town we should spend more time with my family as my inlaws come down more often than my parents can. I don't believe I should do that, as both sets of parents use their holidays as they see fit, and it's not fair to push out the inlaws because they travel to see us more often.

There are other things she's said, but this post is already epic enough. The way I feel just now, I want to tell her I'm quite happy to lose the half of the money we spent on the joint holiday. I won't. But I am fucked off with constantly being made to feel like shit.

So, my fellow mn'ers - who is BU? My DM, or me for trying, and apparently failing, to keep everyone happy?

Justfornowitwilldo Mon 27-May-13 16:09:33

Glad you got your apology.

MisguidedAngel Mon 27-May-13 16:13:13

I've just seen this thread and have been thinking all the way through - that's my DM! I always felt about 10 years old in my interactions with her in spite of being completely different in all other areas of my life and it never changed (she died 5 years ago). Your update this morning means there is hope ... your DM has a level of self-awareness and you can build on that, but it's got to be two-sided. Good luck.

Thanks all. It's a breakthrough, I feel, and I'm proud of her for apologising.

keep doing what your doing op, live your life the way you want to
you are in the right

IKnowWhat Mon 27-May-13 17:14:01

That is great that she apologised. Perhaps you can now go on to have a friendly but honest chat with her about her behaviour.

mrsmillsfanclub Mon 27-May-13 17:43:58

I feel your pain Bunty. My dm is exactly the same as yours. Dear sister had to lie for 20 years about visiting/being visited by her in-laws. My mum was full of jealousy.
Now It's my turn. My in laws are not English & there is1000 miles between us but dm still gets arsey if I mention they rang. On my annual visit to see them dm will sulk for months before I go & when I'm there and call her she refuses to speak to me!
I am getting bolder though (only took 30 years) and have told her that I would be horrified if dh ignored my family, so why should I ignore mine. That went down like a lead balloon.

Dahlialover Mon 27-May-13 17:52:45

My mother was like that - only she only ever justified herself, no apologies. And it sounds like a good one, so there is hope smile I am happy for you.

I found out eventually that the favouritism for my sister was because I was 'perfect' and she always needed compensation (only in my mother's mind, not my sister's). It is difficult being perfect as you are doomed to disappoint sad.

She had her chance when MIL died and she was the only gm, but she did not really step up to the mark and died not long after, so that was that.

diddl Mon 27-May-13 18:13:27

Well, well done her for admitting it.

I'm fairly certain if I'm every a GM I'll be upset if I get less time than the other.

Hope to goodness I don't say/show it!!

Classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Dawndonna Mon 27-May-13 18:14:19

Thanks all. It is ridiculous, but I'm still desperate for her approval even now - I think because I've always been the disappointment as a DC, despite being the high achiever.
That way, madness lies.
She is narcissitic and your dad enables her behaviour by not calling her on it. Your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. She has trained you to seek her approval all your life, and you will never get it.
You are proud of her for apologising? Would you say that about a friend? Would you accept this behaviour from a friend?

MonstersDontCry Mon 27-May-13 18:47:43

YANBU!

Op are you me? Because this is exactly what my mum is like. She throws huge tantrums if I don't do what she wants. Especially if it involves my inlaws.

DontmindifIdo Mon 27-May-13 18:59:41

At least she's apologised. On holiday, take some time for the two of you to talk, say that she needs to accept that DH's parents are very different people and want to use all their free time to see the DGC, that you won't restrict that in order to ensure that she gets the same amount of time as that's not fair on your DH to say "no, your mum and dad aren't welcome in our home" when they want to come over and can just because your mum and dad can't visit the same amount.

Point out that she is your mum, but she needs to accept you are a grown woman and how you and DH arrange your lives is your business, you have been too old to need her permission to see someone for a long time. I think she probably has realised how stupid she sounds - it's hard to stop trying to win approval but you must. It doesn't matter anymore what she thinks. Keep telling yourself that.

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