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AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

(236 Posts)
JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:32:21

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

Jux Thu 30-May-13 10:20:06

I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life.

Re-read your op. Think hard.

...are supposed to be moving together some time in the near future.

Think hard again.

Read thetyhread that was linked to somewhere upthread. You are in danger of losing everything. Take time, lots of it.

I agree with quint - you really are sleepwalking into a disaster here.

If she were nervous about seeing your kids she would have said - I'm nervous about seeing your kids. Instead she wanted you to chose.

I'm sorry - normal, rational, sane grown up partners don't behave like this.

How can this work out?

Wowserz129 Thu 30-May-13 08:30:44

Even if she did generally feel worried about how she would be with them, I suspect that she doesn't want the hassle of them. It's so incredibly selfish. She had a rational conversation with you that she didnt want your children in your house. Doesn't sound like a sudden lapse of judgement to me. Sounds like a selfish and calculated decision she made and pitched it too you in the hope you would buy it. Her attitude stinks even when you include her sudden change of heart.

I think you are pretty selfish OP to consider putting your children who already sound like they have been through a lot in a situation where they live with you and your OH when your OH would obviously put her needs before you and yours DCS and will most likely show at some point or another she sees them as an inconvenience.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:10:51

And for what it's worth, I can't remember a thread where there's been such a consensus of opinion as this one. Her response was entirely disproportionate to the difficulty she felt she was in. They are your children ffs. What kind of a monster says such a thing - seriously?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:04:01

Put your children first.
They don't need to be around people who deal with their difficulties the way this woman did.
You have been through a lot to get access to your children and they need to be your focus now.
She says she made a mistake and is sorry but there's no room for someone so emotionally strange around your situation with your kids now.

I'd take this opportunity to end the relationship tbh. She sounds like very hard work. Anyone who could say what she originally did needs to be avoided - even more so as she is now saying it wasn't true!

digerd Thu 30-May-13 07:30:26

Thinking the same as AThing, word for wordsad.

pictish Thu 30-May-13 07:20:13

Very good point.

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

good point

AThingInYourLife Wed 29-May-13 18:29:18

How can you claim it was a momentary mistake when she made her position clear, made you feel unreasonable for disagreeing, you had time to canvass opinion on here, then had a conversation later that evening during which lots of tears were shed before her sudden realisation that she was wrong? That moment lasted for a whole day by my reckoning.

Pretty long moment hmm

She was wrong about you, that was the only mistake she made.

She thought she had more bargaining power than she did and she got a shock when she realised you would break up with her rather than have her banish your children from your home.

If she was really a good, caring woman who was nervous of getting to know your children, she would not have suggested marginalising them in the way she did. She would have suggested marginalising herself in your life.

Her current excuse for her monstrous demands are not remotely plausible.

She is jealous of your children and will compete with them for your attention.

And Quint is right - you obviously have terrible taste in women.

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

Are you just blind to the faults of whoever is giving you the sex?

candyandyoga Wed 29-May-13 15:36:34

Well said Qunitessential.

She did not panic. That came later, when she started backtracking.
She did not just fuck up. She showed you who she really is.

When somebody is showing you who they are, you ought to listen.

I guess it suited her perfectly to have a man "without kids".

There you are fighting to get your kids, only to realize that you are on your own, the woman you thought would be their stepmum suddenly turns around and says she wont have them in her home - the home you share, your home too, and she dont want to see them.

How convenient for her! "You go off and play dad, but I will have no part in it!"

As a woman, and a mother (like your OH also is) I cannot for one moment imagine what a cruel and callous bitch (sorry) can even say such a thing to the man she says she loves, when she knows how hard you fought to have a relationship with your children.

A normal person would be pleased for you, keen to meet them and get to know them. Not just categorically say "I dont want them in my life".
A normal decent good woman would say "I am a bit rusty with young children, I am worried they wont like me" and not stick her head in the sand and pretend they dont exist. angry

I dare say you are as bad judge of character now, as you were when you chose your ex....

Jux Wed 29-May-13 12:02:00

OK, she fucked up and she's sorry and she will slowly gain in confidence with your children. Face value.

And at some point your children will then have to meet her children and see how that goes.

Then you will probably do well to spend a week together - all of you - to see how that goes.

Your children will need their own space in your home, as will hers. Each with their own things in there. They will have to learn to trust each other not to mess with each others' stuff when they are absent. And so on and so on.

This is a looooooooong slow process.

Good luck.

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 07:05:06

You don't need to rule anything out- you just need to go very slowly and see any getting together as a very long term project.
Firstly you need to get to know your children after all the non contact. It sounds as if OH was quite happy with the non contact, she could sympathise knowing she was safe from having to see them regularly. She sounds rather horrified to find that the DCs are now going to be a physical presence, but has had to back track, realising that she has upset you.
Don't even think of moving in for at least a year when she has had to spend time with them on a wet Sunday in February when everyone is bored and crabby- it is no good just taking sunny days with everyone on best behaviour. You want to be sure that she can do things individually with them when you are not around.
You can't rush things with children.

garlicgrump Wed 29-May-13 02:14:15

I've only read the first page and this one. Seems I've missed some argy-bargy, and cut straight to the chase smile

Don't do this to your children. A sudden addition of a new family member - who rejects them, sight unseen - will be incomprehensible to them (even if they're young adults now, let alone small ones) and, coming on top of the emotional maelstrom they've been through, will leave them very uncertain of what they're worth to the adults in their lives. Also remember that you would be living with some other children, which would highlight even more painfully that yours seem to come a poor second.

Don't do this to yourself. You seem to have braved some hell & high water to regain your relationship with your DC. This must mean a tremendous amount to all of you. Your partner's announcement at the beginning of this thread was unbelievably callous, not only in relation to your children, but towards you. I gather she's backtracking now but this can only be from fear, not real remorse. That kind of devastating statement comes from the heart and strong feeling. We say in Relationships: When a man tells you who he is, listen! It works with the genders reversed, too. I'm sorry for all the care you must have put into your partnership, but now you have been shown the truth within it. Pay heed.

runningforme Wed 29-May-13 01:52:52

sounds like you've already decided OP. I feel sorry for the children who will absolutely know how she feels about them, however she tries to dress it up to please you. I should know, I've been there.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 01:33:02

Little is bang on, no child should be treated as a inconvenience and i fear she will treat them as such, most first time parents dont freak out and refuse to parent their children, you dont just forget how to be around children.

LittleFeileFooFoo Wed 29-May-13 01:25:08

OP, please don't move in with her until after she is completely at ease with your children. YANBU to think this is a deal breaker, and even after your talk, it's still a deal breaker.

You are sounding just like an enabler, making excuses for her and not believing anyone who tells you that OH is going to keep her attitude to your kids.

She didn't "fuck up" she told you the truth, she doesn't want another woman's kids in her home. Which is fine, that's her position, it's legitimate to feel that way. She's not a cunt for having that position, and I'm guessing that when you all met, your likelihood of having the kids in your life was slim, so she was safe.

But what isn't fine, and where the real fucking up is going on is you not listening to her. Stop being so selfish, you're deluding yourself if you think this is going to be easy, or that she won't push back to her original position. She may well change her mind, but she's telling you what you want to hear because what she said before didn't get her what she really wanted.

My god, so many men fall for this tact by women. Look, you want to think you can change her mind in a loving and persuasive way, you can't. She can change how she tells you, or how she shows you, but only she can change her mind, and believe me, it will take more than a tearful session of you giving her the talk.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 01:24:07

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1748204-SIL-hates-my-niece-WWYD

Read this thread, for idea about how unreasonable you were not being, its sad reading.

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 01:21:49

Yes Loulybelle. She panicked and bailed when it became a reality.
She was wrong.

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 01:06:11

I suppose, it all boils down to the initial question..
Was I being unreasonable to think she (OH) was out of line, over reacting?

The thread has gone off course..
I didn't want her judged.
I wanted to get a feel for if I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
It's obvious that I wasn't.

But please.. The OH.. she is a good woman.
She's not uncaring or cold.. Or any of those... other things.
She fucked up. She knows it. She really is gutted that a momentary lapse of judgement has caused me, and her so much pain..

And, perhaps most important.. I truly believe she will be great with my DC's, even if she's scared and lacking in self confidence. That's a sin many of us are guilty of.
I wouldn't be with her if I didn't think that I could trust her with them.
And.. I will be there, at her side till she is as completely at ease with them, as they are with her.

Loulybelle Wed 29-May-13 00:57:46

So she essentially bailed at the last minute?

JustABitShocked Wed 29-May-13 00:51:13

No. OH hasn't seen them yet.
Slowly, slowly.. For the kids sake..
To get used to seeing me, then their granny.. My brother..

It takes time, for their sake..
But I wanted to now introduce OH, and that's where this all began.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 29-May-13 00:47:46

OP I think that you are right to spend your time with your DCs alone. If what you say is true, you all need to spend time getting to know eachother and re-establishing the child/parent relationship without any distractions.smile

Please take things slow with your new DP. Re-establish and enjoy your relationship with your DCs. Then, see what happens when you introduce them. Then, see how they (and you) get on over a period of time.

AND THEN have the Moving In Together conversation.

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 29-May-13 00:44:50

I'm afraid it sounds as though she liked things just fine when you didn't have contact with your children, Just. sad

I'm sorry, but I don't think that she's being honest with you now - she's back-tracking because she thinks she risks losing you by what she said. But she's made her true feelings clear, hasn't she - she's not willing to welcome another woman's children into her home. Is she quite possessive or jealous in other respects?

LineRunner Wed 29-May-13 00:18:13

Wow.

So you got a court order after a long time. You have been having your DCs overnight, and are planning a holiday with them.

But OH still hasn't met them.

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