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AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

(236 Posts)
JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:32:21

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

She did not panic. That came later, when she started backtracking.
She did not just fuck up. She showed you who she really is.

When somebody is showing you who they are, you ought to listen.

I guess it suited her perfectly to have a man "without kids".

There you are fighting to get your kids, only to realize that you are on your own, the woman you thought would be their stepmum suddenly turns around and says she wont have them in her home - the home you share, your home too, and she dont want to see them.

How convenient for her! "You go off and play dad, but I will have no part in it!"

As a woman, and a mother (like your OH also is) I cannot for one moment imagine what a cruel and callous bitch (sorry) can even say such a thing to the man she says she loves, when she knows how hard you fought to have a relationship with your children.

A normal person would be pleased for you, keen to meet them and get to know them. Not just categorically say "I dont want them in my life".
A normal decent good woman would say "I am a bit rusty with young children, I am worried they wont like me" and not stick her head in the sand and pretend they dont exist. angry

I dare say you are as bad judge of character now, as you were when you chose your ex....

candyandyoga Wed 29-May-13 15:36:34

Well said Qunitessential.

AThingInYourLife Wed 29-May-13 18:29:18

How can you claim it was a momentary mistake when she made her position clear, made you feel unreasonable for disagreeing, you had time to canvass opinion on here, then had a conversation later that evening during which lots of tears were shed before her sudden realisation that she was wrong? That moment lasted for a whole day by my reckoning.

Pretty long moment hmm

She was wrong about you, that was the only mistake she made.

She thought she had more bargaining power than she did and she got a shock when she realised you would break up with her rather than have her banish your children from your home.

If she was really a good, caring woman who was nervous of getting to know your children, she would not have suggested marginalising them in the way she did. She would have suggested marginalising herself in your life.

Her current excuse for her monstrous demands are not remotely plausible.

She is jealous of your children and will compete with them for your attention.

And Quint is right - you obviously have terrible taste in women.

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

Are you just blind to the faults of whoever is giving you the sex?

How can you be so angry with your ex for stopping you seeing your children while you are so ready to overlook your current squeeze attempting exactly the same thing?

good point

pictish Thu 30-May-13 07:20:13

Very good point.

digerd Thu 30-May-13 07:30:26

Thinking the same as AThing, word for wordsad.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:04:01

Put your children first.
They don't need to be around people who deal with their difficulties the way this woman did.
You have been through a lot to get access to your children and they need to be your focus now.
She says she made a mistake and is sorry but there's no room for someone so emotionally strange around your situation with your kids now.

I'd take this opportunity to end the relationship tbh. She sounds like very hard work. Anyone who could say what she originally did needs to be avoided - even more so as she is now saying it wasn't true!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 30-May-13 08:10:51

And for what it's worth, I can't remember a thread where there's been such a consensus of opinion as this one. Her response was entirely disproportionate to the difficulty she felt she was in. They are your children ffs. What kind of a monster says such a thing - seriously?

Wowserz129 Thu 30-May-13 08:30:44

Even if she did generally feel worried about how she would be with them, I suspect that she doesn't want the hassle of them. It's so incredibly selfish. She had a rational conversation with you that she didnt want your children in your house. Doesn't sound like a sudden lapse of judgement to me. Sounds like a selfish and calculated decision she made and pitched it too you in the hope you would buy it. Her attitude stinks even when you include her sudden change of heart.

I think you are pretty selfish OP to consider putting your children who already sound like they have been through a lot in a situation where they live with you and your OH when your OH would obviously put her needs before you and yours DCS and will most likely show at some point or another she sees them as an inconvenience.

I agree with quint - you really are sleepwalking into a disaster here.

If she were nervous about seeing your kids she would have said - I'm nervous about seeing your kids. Instead she wanted you to chose.

I'm sorry - normal, rational, sane grown up partners don't behave like this.

How can this work out?

Jux Thu 30-May-13 10:20:06

I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life.

Re-read your op. Think hard.

...are supposed to be moving together some time in the near future.

Think hard again.

Read thetyhread that was linked to somewhere upthread. You are in danger of losing everything. Take time, lots of it.

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