To be unsure about wanting my own child?

(36 Posts)
Veryunsure Sun 26-May-13 12:01:17

I've name changed for this one, I am married to a a wonderful man, great relationship. He has a child from a previous relationship (not ExW)

We have a good life and can afford to do some nice things because of our combined income. Should we choose to have our own child I don't have the kind of job I could return to or get any extra pay. So I would need to give up work completely until such time baby is old enough for me to look for another job which I will need to if we are living only on dh income.

There are 2 main reasons for me being very hesitant, 1 my work and 2 because although I do greatly love my dsd and we share care so 50/50 I find being unable to do things with dh when dsd is with us quite difficult.

I must say here, I am not a wicked stepmother and the relationship my husband has with his child is paramount, I have never asked to change dates of access nor leave her out she is part of our family. We both work around the times we don't have her to do the things we like if possible.

If we had our own it would be 24/7 and I do believe that when you have a child it is your responsibility to give him/her the best start in life (not money oriented) I am sure every parent wants this for their children.

Why then do I feel so resistant to having our own? I am concerned about not having a life, at least the life I have been accustomed to. I am told over and over it's different when it's your own and you will enjoy the life change because of them.

DH is not desperate to have another and is very easy about having or not having our own.

I know a lot of mums on here will say how worth it it is and how it's hard work, maybe the hard work puts me off. Having known dsd since very young now preteen I am under no illusion of just how difficult it can be.

I just don't know if i'm ready, or if indeed I ever will be! AIBU or just plain selfish?!

barnet Sun 26-May-13 12:10:03

You are under no obligation to have a child!

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 12:12:27

Yeah, if your not ready and your DH, aint concerned either way, then dont feel you have too, after all, your the ones who will have to raise it and support it.

DoJo Sun 26-May-13 12:25:31

It is a lot of work, it will be all of those things you're concerned about and more, so if you are not sure about it don't do it. You already have a child to share your life with, and that can be a rewarding and special relationship, and you may change your mind at some point, but it's much better to change your mind in that direction than the other.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 26-May-13 15:46:01

I think the only reason to have a child is because you absolutely, desperately want to have one and are miserable not having one.

If you are perfectly happy and enjoy your life as it is, then you shouldn't feel that you have to have one or that you are missing out if you don't.

It is true, that once a person has a child they love them more than they could possibly have anticipated and don't resent the hard work and sacrifice. That's something nature builds in, generally, to make us have more than one. But that doesn't mean that parenting is better than a life of non parenting.

Honestly, if you don't feel the absolute desire to have a baby then enjoy your life as it is and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it or as if you are missing out.

Viviennemary Sun 26-May-13 15:51:05

If neither of you is very bothered about having a child I think this is the answer. Don't. Unless you think the decision is something you might regret in years to come. That would be the only thing for concern.

If neither of you is bothered either way, don't.

x-posted.

oldendaysending Sun 26-May-13 15:53:48

Yeah, you don't HAVE to have one! grin That said, I was told nothing but horror stories when I was having mine and I've got to say it hasn't been anything like as hard as I was led to believe. It's early days, admittedly, but I've got quite chilled out kids which helps.

Having children has not taken anything away from me other than money - and I'd rather spend it on them anyway. It's given me stuff I can't put into words, though. But then my life before kids wasn't anything to write home about!

don't unless you want one, my first wasn't exactly planned, but children can fit in with your life I don't think I gave up anything for my kids, maybe less nights out but we just had people round, babies are quite portable they just came with us, but I was never rigid about bedtimes ect, its easier with your own I think as you have them from the beginning and full time so not such a need to spend quality time with them, work is the only problem and that's quite hard unless you have good childcare sorted.

tiggytape Sun 26-May-13 16:00:39

Having a DSD has given you an insight into the full-on nature of parenting in a way a lot of people don't get before they have a child of thier own. But you've had an insight into the limitations and the restrictions perhaps more than you've had into the other side of it. It is true, when it is your own you don't see the restrictions the same way and don't always worry abotu what you've given up.
That's not to say you should have a baby though - if you are happy as you are then there's no reason not to stay as you are.

Trills Sun 26-May-13 16:02:14

I don't understand why you think you might be being selfish.

Veryunsure Sun 26-May-13 16:21:20

I keep getting the 'You're not getting any younger, I think a child would suit you' or 'tick tock' comments.

To be honest the thought of my own child terrifies me, pregnancy, giving birth the financial aspects. I have no fear of bringing up a child though!

I do wonder what a mini version of myself and dh would be like but that's not enough to say yes, I wonder how I'll cope when I'm older and I wonder if I'll regret it if I don't. Again absolutely none of these reasons are enough reason to procreate!

I don't feel the joy dh does when dsd does something he feels is amazing,I don't get that emotional tug and I guess that's because she's not mine.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 26-May-13 16:26:16

I think that if you don't want a child that is fine.

Your joint commitment to his child his really really important and shows you aren't selfish. It might be emotionally a lot easier on her not to have a step sibling

KC225 Sun 26-May-13 17:44:51

I think you are being honest not selfish. Selfish is having a child and not wanting your life to change, You are aware of the changes that would occur - you are giving it consideration.

My friend's DIL has spilt from her son and the little girl spends only one night/day a week with her Mother, the rest of the time is divided between the Dad and two sets of grandparents - the Mother has frequently said she finds 'all that kiddie stuff boring' so the Dad and the two sets of grandparents do all the school plays, homework, fairs, santa visits, days out, parents evenings etc., between them. The little girl is not left without but has made comments about wishing mummy would like the same things she does. I think that mum errs on the selfish side .........

Just to add that it is natural to be scared (or in awe) of pregnancy and childbirth. You need to have more of a discussion with your husband. The worst thing would be to have regrets later on but if you are both sure that you don't want children then enjoy your life and your DSD

specialsubject Sun 26-May-13 18:01:48

the selfish thing would be to have a child if you feel like this. It isn't compulsory.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 26-May-13 18:04:19

I don't think you sound ready. When you ARE ready, you don't really think about not being able to do certain things with your DH...you just want a child above other things.

Floggingmolly Sun 26-May-13 18:31:02

Having a child because someone said it would "suit you" would be criminally insane. Why all the angst? It's not compulsory...

StrangeGlue Sun 26-May-13 18:36:54

It's absolutely fine not to want a child. Absolutely! You sound like you have it sorted. In my opinion the only reason to have a kid is because you want one. If that isn't there then why would you?

thezebrawearspurple Sun 26-May-13 19:11:28

Motherhood isn't mandatory, do what you want, not what others think you should do.

Veryunsure Sun 26-May-13 19:15:42

I recently had a comment from a friend, "I don't understand why you don't want kids, you're life will never be complete without them and I you'll never know real love until you have them"

I was quite taken aback at how some women feel it is our duty! I think it would be far more selfish of me to have a baby just to have a baby and lets face it they aren't babies for long they are little people and while I think that parents have the hardest job and many do a wonderful job, I think selfishly or not I would prefer to not undertake such a mammoth task at this point in my apparently old age life.

Trills Sun 26-May-13 19:26:14

"I don't understand why you don't want kids, you're life will never be complete without them and I you'll never know real love until you have them"

Sounds like you need more open-minded friends, not necessarily that you need a child.

Different people like different things. Different people suit different lifestyles.

McNewPants2013 Sun 26-May-13 19:28:32

Sometimes I miss my life prechildren, but the love I feel for my children is different from any other type of love.

Having a child is such a personal choice and I respect your choice not to have children after all women are not just walking incubators.

I know many women who I work with who have never had children and they have had amazing lives with loads of travel and great social lives.

You sound like you have the best of both worlds as someone who dosnt want a child. You get to be part of dsd's life without the full on commitment.

fluckered Sun 26-May-13 19:35:30

firstly i want to say that you sound like a lovely wonderful woman and partner and step mum. it isnt a decision to be made lightly and i commend you for being honest with yourself. it is your life and your decision and it would be selfish if you are not ready. but to answer your fears ... its only 9 months pregnancy and i may be shot for saying this but when it comes to finances you just manage, regardless of what finances you currently have. but you are NOT selfish. and these are your feelings and very much valid. have you spoken with your partner about this?

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