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to expect db and ds to share a room?

(40 Posts)
HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 23-May-13 21:01:25

Genuine question as I really don't know.

Db is 20 and officially lives with us. He spends 3 nights a week here on average and 4 nights at his girlfriends. He has his own room.

Ds is 8 and shares a room with Dd 5 and dsd 5 who cones 2 nights a week.

Would I be unreasonable to ask Db to share with ds and then Dd and dsd would have a room to share?

Yonihadtoask Fri 24-May-13 08:22:51

Well, I had to share a room with my dsis. I was 10 when she was born. I had my own room until then. I left home at 18. It was difficult having to clamber into my bunk bed at 2am after lots of lager..

Soon your younger dc won't be of the age for room sharing. So something will have to change.

Agree that you need to have a word with DB, that you will need to move DS into his room and what are his intentions.

It could spur on his savings plan.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 24-May-13 08:24:08

It sounds like you really need a bigger place, to be honest, and in the meantime ask your brother to move out. The house must be absolutely crammed. You should prioritise your children - you do not have room for DB.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 24-May-13 09:27:30

Why are they destined to share?

One needs to live with you because he's your child the other just fancys doing so to save money.

diddl Fri 24-May-13 09:32:44

Move your brother out-think of your kids!

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Fri 24-May-13 09:42:32

Could you not sit your brother down and present the options? Explain you love him dearly and don't want to force him out but it isn't fair on the three young children*. So either he has your DS in his room or moves elsewhere? I don't think adults and children sharing rooms is ideal, but if it isn't every night and he is feeling self conscious sharing with two girls it may well be preferable.

*caveat, if their room is enormous, and you could eg put a screen up for some privacy and seperate space, maybe do that instead?

FWIW, I never saved properly until I moved out of my parents and started paying a proper rent (even though it was much much harder to do so). Because that was the point when I realised,"oh this is WHY adults have jobs! Because they need food and shelter! Its worth going without some fun stuff to make sure I'm more secure for the longer term."

By the way, his desire (and the girls') for seperate space will only increase as they get older, so even if you decide not to do this now, you must think, when? When DS is 11? 14? (6 years away yes, but DB will only be 26 and lots of adults nowadays live at home at that age).

HalfBakedCleverCookie Fri 24-May-13 09:45:58

I think because he has lived with us from being 15 so still a child I still think of him as such. Telling him to move out hadn't even occured to me as an option.

Branleuse Fri 24-May-13 09:48:04

yes i would

Cloverer Fri 24-May-13 09:51:11

A man of 20 or 21 is more than old enough to move out of the family home imo!

Living at home so you can have cheap rent/save up is a luxury really, and shouldn't be at the expense of younger siblings.

chesticles Fri 24-May-13 09:52:24

I think you should speak to your brother and discuss with him the pressures on space in the house, and what might need to happen now, or in the very near future. Realistically it's going to take years to save for a deposit to buy a house.

The other alternative is does dsd stay on different nights to your brother? Could she sleep in his room? Still not ideal but if the room is empty when she is there, the the other room with ds and dd is overcrowded it's a possibility

Myinboxisfull Fri 24-May-13 09:58:58

I can understand that you don't want to ask your db to move out. It's lovely that you are all living together and that you want to help him.

Since he moved in your family has grown and he's now an adult. I don't think that your ds should have to share a room with him, different ages, needs and interests etc. Your db is paying a token rent only and I'd suggest that you sit down with your db and talk to him about it. It might be worth finding a larger place for you all to rent with him starting to pay a more appropriate amount for his board and lodging ie pay the extra expense that it is costing you to provide this. He may decide that he wants to get a place with his gf.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Fri 24-May-13 10:00:47

You don't have to tell him to move out. You can treat him as the adult he is by giving him the alternatives, stressing that you don't want to force his hand, and let him reach a sensible decision as an adult.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Fri 24-May-13 12:47:02

Thanks for some very good advice.

A brief update - db's girlfriends parents have offered for him to move in with them while they save up. He's not made his decision yet.

Is room big enough divide ? I have wardrobes splitting room ds3 age 7 one side . Ds1 age 19 on the other

loopyluna Fri 24-May-13 13:41:14

Another possible compromise -sort out the room for the two of them, including lockable storage for DB. DS has this as his room when DB is not there but bunks with the girls when DB is home.
Not ideal but it would allow DB to move out gradually and DS to gradually get his own space...?

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 24-May-13 20:48:15

I think there are a lot of 20 yos in this position - not being consciously selfish but not fully aware of the real costs to their family of them staying in the family home, with all its advantages, and paying a token amount to do so. It's not unreasonable to have a talk with your DB and make him aware of this - at 20 with a long-term gf he should be able to cope with the idea that there are choices to be made in life, and that potentially in return for the sweet deal he gets money-wise he has to be prepared to share some of his space, so that others in the house get a fair amount of space too.

I was also sort of thinking like loopyluna but the other way around - DS stays in his room when only DD is there but if DB is at his gf's at the weekends, when DSD comes(?) then DS could move to the 'big boy room' for that time? In fact, could you ask DB to co-ordinate his time at his gf's to make that kind of sharing possible?

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